Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Angry Mailbag

Now I receive some mail here at this blog. Comments and questions. I really try to answer all of them with class and dignity. I believe feedback is so important....I try to be extremely polite & thoughtful. However ...Sometimes my emotions get the better of me.... and I way. I felt it only fare to share them. Here you go...

Angry Mailbag

Q: Hey Steve I read your blog and I have this one question I have been dying to ask you? When are you just going to go away? suck!!  Or if you are gonna keep doing this how bout you talk about something of importance.... for a change! Enclosed is a list that would hugely class up this piece of trash blog!


A: Thanks so much Peoplethathateyou. I will definitely take a look at your suggestions!

Q: Hey Madman.... I really enjoy the pictures on here..... I think about them all the time....alot alot!!!  in my cell! When I get out of here I plan on finding you and giving you something big to blog about... princess!
Dr Meat

A: THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM YAHOO MAIL..... Your mail could not be delivered. This email address no longer exists.

Q:Writers of Mind of a Madman. We insist you stop with your making fun of women with cats and cats in general.... they are precious creatures!

Becca Florence
PETA spokesperson and proud momma to 12 cats

A: Thanks for the feedback Becca. We here at this blog love all cats big and small. Actually we love them so much we prefer to keep them very close to us at all times. Thanks again!

Q: Hey Steve. I took a look at your blog and I enjoyed it. I feel like you have a true talent. Your writing is amazing. One that is perfectly suited for bathroom stalls or maybe the articles even Hustler wouldn't print. Thanks for actually finding a way to dumb down the internet jerk!


A: BobbaFetforever27. Clearly being an uber Star Wars fan you are a fan of good writing.... and lonely Friday nights. Thanks for taking the time out of your evening to write in... now you can get back to whatever it was you were doing. Thanks!

That's it for today. Feel free to write in anytime. I love responding!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Top 10 Worst Things To Hear After Surgery

So someone close to me had some elective surgery lately and yes...all went well. Thanks for asking.  Obviously going under the knife can be a trying and stressful time... most drinking surgeons will tell you.... 

Hows it going to look? How long is the recovery time? How are they gonna settle? All perfectly good questions! But it's like every drug lord getting a new face will tell you, the success of every surgery, is in the end result. It doesn't matter if you got your work done in the back of a van in some third world country as long as it turns out the way you had hoped...... 

As for me..... I personally haven't had any work done .....since the calf implants... and yes they are still looking cyclist good! Thanks for asking.

Anyways all this surgery talk has gotten me curious people. When you finally wake up post-surgery... in the recovery room... in that most vulnerable of states.What would you least like the first words you hear to be?  Ready for it... here it is.

The top 10 worst things to hear when you wake up from a surgery!

10. Almost any form of screaming..... for example "Oh dear god!!! She's hideous!"

9. or.... hearing the doctor ask.... "Where did the scissors go?".... equally bad with any number of potentially missing surgical gear.

8. or you wake up... and your nice "quiet" neighbor now has you strapped to his basement table and he's saying..... "Don't worry the neighborhood watch will never find you.... I warned you to take down your damn Christmas Lights!!"

7. or... that same crazy doctor saying....."Congratulations you are now the middle of the human centipede. (sorry bout this one... kinda?)

6. or if wake up to hear "Your sex change was a success!"...... but you only went in for light dental work?

Alright! Half way there... are we learning anything? ... what other things do we not want to hear? For me.... definitely this next one!

5. "Was it good for you".... and the doctors smoking a cigarette.... Did I fail to mention you aren't  wearing your hospital gown anymore?!

 4. or... and this ones for the soccer moms out there. "I'm sorry but your husband slipped me a 20 to do your boobs too!"

Side note this lady actually holds some boob record. My guess Most Regrettable!

3. "Clear!" .... this one is more of an out of body experience.... my born again Christian friends tell me. 

2. or... "Thank you for becoming an organ donor". 
This is my nightmare! 

Bonus fact - Green eyes net you the most cash these days... according to 

1. and lastly "It didn't go so well. Everybody get in here and check this dude's tapeworm out!"

There it is everybody... I hope none of you hear any of these any time soon.... May all your surgeries be huge successes..... and all your scars heal fast..... and... remember its not always just what you hear after surgery. Sometimes it's what you first see too! Here's to hoping you never see this. Blog ya'll later. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Jeans Post

Here we go... just the other day..... I was reading on the computer how a friend of mine decided it was time to toss out her old skinny jeans. She had outgrown them. .... so I made a "Are you trading them in for some mom jeans" joke ...  and.....Man! Apparently everyone....that is not a joke  most ladies appreciate.... Who knew? Even though... technically she was a lady.... and a mom... and they are made of denim. I guess that just doesn't matter. 

Well... It got me thinking.  In light of this new information... I should probably scrap my retirement plan of inventing Grandma Jeans.... You know for when everything sags even more and you want your jeans even higher.. Side note. Love ya Grandma! I'm so glad you're a frequent reader! Disregard this part.

And based on the reaction Mom Jeans got...I am gonna put them right up there with the word MOIST.... nearly equal in terms of female hatred. So what I have done....... after much reflection on the topic, and a snack that in truth was good but overly moist, is put together a worst jeans I could find on the internet post....... and ladies... there's gonna be some Mom Jeans.....bad ones...  but don't worry! They aren't close to how bad jeans can get. Enjoy!

But lets start with the mom jeans. SNL celebrated the denim choice of moms everywhere with a funny ad! Tina Fey pulled them off !

And "singer?" Jessica Simpson celebrated them also. ... wait I don't think she's a mom!
But this post is more than just mom jeans... There are plenty other bad jeans out there? For example....

Notice how the eyes always follow you. Like a poor mans Mona Lisa..... or someone sitting in a tree outside your bedroom window. These just aren't very attractive jeans... right?

And then these jeans never fail to get a reaction. Like the "Get the hell out of my house with these....ass".... my lady friend told me.... with tears.... when she opened them up on her birthday. 

Um... what else...The acid washed jeans thing... Don't lie.... If you wore jeans in the 80's.... you had some. Not particularly a good style.
This guy attempted to acid wash his own jeans...... poorly. Or ... maybe he's just a crotch sweater...You know if you take one thing away from this post.... Don't be a crotch sweater.... I'm sorry about this one... moving on

Stripper Jeans

Brian and the gang invented Danger Jeans!! And to me....  much worse than Mom Jeans ever were.


 Brian and the gang would all later regret sleeping with Stephanie.

Here's one of my favorites...... Thank you Walmart
Be honest... we have all been here.... on laundry day.... and you need to go out... and you borrow your 12 year old sisters jeans...

Now for those of you that know me......1.) I promise to replace the beer next time I come over... and 2.) You may know of my true hatred for mens jeans shorts..... Why you ask? Allow me to show you what your "cool" looking jeans shorts really make you look like.

This guy
I do however fully condone Jeanderpants.... these exist by the way. That's right jean underwear....My sources (who usually go commando) tried these and reviewed them as "chaffing"

Is anyone else feeling like this post is spinning wildly out of control..... down a very tasteless and tacky road. Ya me too...... so allow us to continue....

Ripped Jeans
Extremely unnecessarily tight jeans.....

Dog jeans....
Bad Genes

Worse genes
Jean shoes... hey I'm legally required to have one photo that isn't completely offensive. What to say?.. um. Crazy Aunts everywhere just started sewing these for Christmas gifts.
Jeans guy...
Jeans chaps... My favorite part of this photo is she is on an escalator... so clearly she's in public.   Very classy!!!

alright...... lets put this post out of its misery. Here ya go. The worst jeans I could find on the internet.....

The moist kind!

Blog ya'll later

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Inside The Mind Post

I have decided to do something totally different today.... something Ive never done before. We are going to literally step inside the Mind of a Madman.... Hear some of my thoughts (dear god).... I don't know it just might get a little weird.... And grab a flashlight... It gets dark in here........

Im hungry

Im really hungry

Cant wait for the burgers to be done

Why do I have to cook em?

This stupid vegan patty is falling apart

I hope Jenny doesnt show up

Oh man!!! She's here!

She looks good 

but why wont she return my calls

better turn the burgers

I shouldnt have any more beer... gettin saucy

this beers good

o here she comes


youre right I am within 50 feet

I will leave after the burgers

That was kinda mean

hold it together dont cry

shes walking away. whew

better flip the burgers

oh man I dropped one

the ground is filthy

nobody saw

pick it up

burgers ready everybody

oh here she comes again

uh....this special burgers for you Jenny

Time to go before shes tastes the rocks and the dog hair

I love BBQ's

This concludes our quick look into the mind of a madman. Was there a lesson there.... I think so everybody. Never mess with the cook.

In fact... this message was brought to you in part by pissed off cooks everywhere!

blog ya'll later

I wonder if people read this blog naked

Im hungry

Time to turn off the computer

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Father's Day Post...

Ah its Father's Day........ that special day across our great country to celebrate (or mourn) paternity test results everywhere. Even you carnie dad. 

It's beautiful... how on this day, ladies will reluctantly call off their child support bounty hunters... just long enough to spend the day with their baby daddy.  And it usually includes giving dad a few bad ties, maybe some "adult time" and for one day stop nagging him to "go get a freekin job". What a bizarre yet strangely American holiday?

 Now I don't know who created it originally... but we can clearly rule out a few people. Anyone working for the Lifetime channel, or one of Oprah's minions..... or anyone attending one of countless stripper support groups across the country...You know groups like "Strippers Tackling Daddy-issues" .... or STD's for short.... Helpful info alert..... for you recovering dancers .....Here's the first step to stripping freedom they will tell you at your very first meeting.... get out of the club.... Cinnamon here is well on her way to recovery..... uh... moving on.

Now I don't have any kids of my own... the courts won't allow it I celebrate each year with some golfing, a few beers, and often times some BBQ .... kind of a typical Saturday for me but with dad ..... And we have a great day.... It's true... I got lucky. My Dad is one of the good Dads out there.... at least that's what my therapist keeps telling me. So I thought since I did a post about the worst moms for mothers day... the worst reverends for church day..... and the worst doctors for colonoscopy day (voted worst holiday 2007) I thought it was only fitting to do one about the worst dads. Here we go.... and happy Fathers Day pops! 

Now lets start with this one. This Dad's got it figured out. He put his kids to work right away. Building work ethic..... and squishing soft head spots.

And then this Dad....he is building something totaly else. Death for his entire family. He just doesn't know it yet. Seriously look at the focus from this future serial killer.

And this Dad.... who e-harmony tells me is available ladies. His interests include dancing, dancing, dancing, collecting stamps, dancing, dancing....etc.

But being a Dad is about the relationship with your kids my inside sources say.... If not it would be Man's Day (patent pending).... so lets take a quick look see into the relationship between fathers and their kids. Enjoy.
They teach them to shop.

They make them their costumes.  

And then even more inappropriate costumes

They spend quality time with them

Even more quality time 

They "Red neck em" ..... er... teach em to shoot Arkansas style. Notice how the gun is pink. Perfect for a little-in.

and then punish them when necessary..... right the third world?
Alternate Punishment 

but being a good Dad is really about your family and always setting a good example.... totally unlike the Dads below!!! Let me leave you all with the three worst Dads on the internet.

Tranny Dad is kind of a bummer.... but totally helps teach his daughters about makeup.
Unfaithful dad.... had it coming. He is current not enjoying Father's Day. But this did get me thinking about sandwich boards and people wearing signs..... who is wearing the worst sign ever?
This guy...... but surprisingly informative....
anyways ..... here's the worst Dad hands down....
Happy Father's Day everybody..... Blog ya'll later