All right so here we go....New format....Monday.....Weekend update
So Friday night I hung out with some friends at my bar tasting a few of my favorite McMenamin ales. Both of the brewers down here at the Crystal Ballroom are some of the best in the company. ( just dont tell them that.....I swear they stir the beer with their huge egos already!)...but I kid...they always have something different and tasty pouring so often times thats how the weekend starts.
Saturday.......I golfed with my brothers at a small little course in a retirement community. Enjoyed it even if the course was pretty narrow. My brother, when he wasnt knocking roof tiles off of peoples homes, needed to find a restroom for more than a few holes......There werent any out there? In a retirement community? Wouldnt you think their would be one at every hole? There werent... Sucked for him...Anyways it was good to get out there and swing after a couple months off.
Lounged on the couch....Inception (great movie)...
Then dinner with friends at Kens Artisan pizza....delicious!. But be warned apparently there is always a 1 hour wait to get in...which there was. It was good but only 43 minutes worth of a wait good. Just sayin
We did however decide to try somewhere new to eat every Saturday...be it food cart....burger joint....prison cafeteria....somewhere. And we will rotate who chooses each week. Just wait for my choice!!!!! BBQ squirell anybody?
Saturday evening I met up with some old friends. A friend was smoking some meats. Delicious.....and no there was no squirrel........
Sunday I had to work. It was the anniversary party over here at the Ballroom. Music going on ...on all floors... all day. We were very busy....I do however recommend this next year to any of you out there who have kids that enjoy spilling drinks or rubbing greasy hands on windows....screw crayons and coloring books...you want to entertain a todler....a plate of ketchup and a window .....apparently mesmorizing!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Post #146 This blog is back....With new rules!!!
So starting Monday I will be back full time on this blog. I had a nice vacation....aside from a couple random posts........but it was nice. Now the format is going to change a bit. Just like my guidance counselor always said. "You need some structure in your life. Now get over here and rub my feet".......so structure it will be.....
Mondays...... Weekend wrap up and a kinda potpourri of topics.... or as many of you may come to know it. "A celebration of stupid"....moving on
Tuesdays........Top 10 Tuesdays.....varied lists.. Hey save your " I'm just waiting for the list..."Top 10 days this blog will finally be over" comment from Richard!!!.....thats just not happening
Wednesday......Well speaking of Richard Wad...................he gets a day (dear god!!!).......He told me any douchebag can blog....so I immediately offered him Wednesdays with Wad.....I have no idea what to expect.
Thursday.........Picture Thursdays. My brother Patrick is responsible for the pictures on here. So we are going to do some funny things photo style each week. (Maybe then he will finally take off some of those embarrassing photos where I look like Im naked. I had boxers on people....and I just had a big lunch!! Damn you Patrick!!!)
Fridays........Review day......During the week Im going to see a show or eat at a restaurant or hang out with carnies or something and write a review of it........ My therapist things this is a good way to get me out of the house anyways.......
Saturday........recycled Saturdays....We are going to put up some old photo or......and I use this term loosely...... "Classic Post" and then go out on the town probably.........
Sunday.....going to wake up late and shake off Saturday night.... then move to the couch.....order some Chinese food and watch a movie or two.....Oh wait.... ya this has nothing to do with the blog....theres nothing going on here on Sundays........I might golf if its nice.....maybe I will go play some music?
And thats it.....The structure...the order....the horror....It all starts Monday! Blog ya then!!!!!!!!!
Mondays...... Weekend wrap up and a kinda potpourri of topics.... or as many of you may come to know it. "A celebration of stupid"....moving on
Tuesdays........Top 10 Tuesdays.....varied lists.. Hey save your " I'm just waiting for the list..."Top 10 days this blog will finally be over" comment from Richard!!!.....thats just not happening
Wednesday......Well speaking of Richard Wad...................he gets a day (dear god!!!).......He told me any douchebag can blog....so I immediately offered him Wednesdays with Wad.....I have no idea what to expect.
Thursday.........Picture Thursdays. My brother Patrick is responsible for the pictures on here. So we are going to do some funny things photo style each week. (Maybe then he will finally take off some of those embarrassing photos where I look like Im naked. I had boxers on people....and I just had a big lunch!! Damn you Patrick!!!)
Fridays........Review day......During the week Im going to see a show or eat at a restaurant or hang out with carnies or something and write a review of it........ My therapist things this is a good way to get me out of the house anyways.......
Saturday........recycled Saturdays....We are going to put up some old photo or......and I use this term loosely...... "Classic Post" and then go out on the town probably.........
Sunday.....going to wake up late and shake off Saturday night.... then move to the couch.....order some Chinese food and watch a movie or two.....Oh wait.... ya this has nothing to do with the blog....theres nothing going on here on Sundays........I might golf if its nice.....maybe I will go play some music?
And thats it.....The structure...the order....the horror....It all starts Monday! Blog ya then!!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Richard Wad Post
So I recently, along with alot of other people I know, have become friends with Richard Wad on facebook. His schtick is that he is an ass and totaly rude.....its funny.....its annonymous. Who is it? I actually do know.....and no people its not me. More on that later... He posts things about how he likes traffic and crying, resetting peoples alarm clocks or how he likes mowing lawns early in the morning, causing road rage, or peeing in friends shampoo bottles ( horrible right?)........My favorite though is often when he accepts a friend request he insults them by comparing it to getting an STD or getting a root canal in a truck on a bumpy road or something......all this said......Richard....... you insufferable ass.....you arent the only one who gets to have fun. Heres todays post....... The true story of Richard Wad
Richard grew up in Riverside, Ca (actually the dumbest city in America...I googled it)
Once his parents let him off the leash none of the kids liked him...so he spent his days playing with his pet rock and his little homemade goldfish "Floater"
As a young man he worked at the family sweatshop....er....business. Embroidering man puses he would later in life carry around .....
Interesting fact.... he still holds the California record for longest amount of consecutive years wearing headgear..9
also interesting fact.....first man born with only one nipple......and its on his leg...... weird??
Richard spent most of his childhood sick which has led to his countless adult phobias today........At the age of 12 he contracted mono the first time during his boy scout troop campout....
Later contacted mono the second time during altar boy rehearsals.....
Richard (first 17 year old with a comb-over) enlisted in the army after high school.
Richard was dishonorably discharged during the don't ask don't tell times when he "asked", "told", and "photoed".....
Contacted mono for the third time
After the military, Richard a frequent man cameltoe offender, stumbled onto what would become his profession....becoming a lab rat for major drug companies
Currently testing a hair regrowing drug with mixed results. It could be said that Richard now has the worlds fullest back hair combover.....nasty!
When Richard isn't at work or controlling the dungeons of Warcraft he spends his days crying...it sucks to still be a virgin in reality.....quite a "playa" online though!!!
Did however recently meet someone (Anita).... at the DMV....when the workers invited him to the holiday party cause "You are just like one of us Richard!!! "
Had to many drinks at the party and woke up with a lower back tattoo..... those Cosmos pack a punch!!
Big hit with the ladies at the party though. Side note.. Richard is a hilarious knock knock joke teller...
Anita knew Richard was the one after she saw what can only be called.... the worlds bushiest mono brow....a side effect of the drug he is testing..... They also both shockingly have matching ringtones "Temptation Island theme song"......what are the odds?
and so now he and Anita...... and his mom all live together in a van down by the river. He is still a virgin. She says she is saving herself..........well.........for someone sexier.....but whatever......they are happyish...
In truth its a kinda sad story.....but when you are as big an ass as he is.... not surprising.....
He can spend his time stalking facebook..... being an jerk....and hanging out at John Barleycorns.....er....... never mind that........ being a Richard.... and I will read his filth.....and laugh ......cause it is funny......but its much funnier now knowing how sad the true life story of Richard Wad is..........................Ass!!!!!
Richard grew up in Riverside, Ca (actually the dumbest city in America...I googled it)
Once his parents let him off the leash none of the kids liked him...so he spent his days playing with his pet rock and his little homemade goldfish "Floater"
As a young man he worked at the family sweatshop....er....business. Embroidering man puses he would later in life carry around .....
Interesting fact.... he still holds the California record for longest amount of consecutive years wearing headgear..9
also interesting fact.....first man born with only one nipple......and its on his leg...... weird??
Richard spent most of his childhood sick which has led to his countless adult phobias today........At the age of 12 he contracted mono the first time during his boy scout troop campout....
Later contacted mono the second time during altar boy rehearsals.....
Richard (first 17 year old with a comb-over) enlisted in the army after high school.
Richard was dishonorably discharged during the don't ask don't tell times when he "asked", "told", and "photoed".....
Contacted mono for the third time
After the military, Richard a frequent man cameltoe offender, stumbled onto what would become his profession....becoming a lab rat for major drug companies
Currently testing a hair regrowing drug with mixed results. It could be said that Richard now has the worlds fullest back hair combover.....nasty!
When Richard isn't at work or controlling the dungeons of Warcraft he spends his days crying...it sucks to still be a virgin in reality.....quite a "playa" online though!!!
Did however recently meet someone (Anita).... at the DMV....when the workers invited him to the holiday party cause "You are just like one of us Richard!!! "
Had to many drinks at the party and woke up with a lower back tattoo..... those Cosmos pack a punch!!
Big hit with the ladies at the party though. Side note.. Richard is a hilarious knock knock joke teller...
Anita knew Richard was the one after she saw what can only be called.... the worlds bushiest mono brow....a side effect of the drug he is testing..... They also both shockingly have matching ringtones "Temptation Island theme song"......what are the odds?
and so now he and Anita...... and his mom all live together in a van down by the river. He is still a virgin. She says she is saving herself..........well.........for someone sexier.....but whatever......they are happyish...
In truth its a kinda sad story.....but when you are as big an ass as he is.... not surprising.....
He can spend his time stalking facebook..... being an jerk....and hanging out at John Barleycorns.....er....... never mind that........ being a Richard.... and I will read his filth.....and laugh ......cause it is funny......but its much funnier now knowing how sad the true life story of Richard Wad is..........................Ass!!!!!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My Blog Vacation Update
So kicking back here in my lounge chair, sipping on my Zima mimosa, and soaking in some Portland rays while swimming the Willamette.......I felt compelled to weigh in on my blog vacation. I have been relaxing and taking in some Oregon "culture"....you know strip clubs, yeti hunts, and ironic t-shirts... Speaking of those damn yetis....Im getting close.....I have tracked one back to a nice secluded Oregon vacation home......
He goes by Mr Williams....clearly an alias.......I better catch him before a certain Ex-Vice President does...... he definately doesn't catch & release like I would.....moving on....
what else have I been doing? Hmmm
Ive been catching up with laundry and household chores....about 150 posts worth....
also been catching up on my new favorite show... Seventeen And Pregnant AGAIN.... riveting!
Pickin up trash on I-5....not so much by choice.....
I also had breakfast with a friend at a strip club...long story......gotta say it kinda looses the magic watching them pressure wash the pole and mop up last night's daddy issues.....just sayin!!!!
what else........oh ya Ive been researching what ever happened to the ellusive B battery...seriously? Rumor has it it runs the shakeweight....looking into it.....
Ive been stalking an ex or two....love the new hairstyle ladies!!!....alot....really really alot......call me
Been doing some intense hard core research on why some celebrities grow such enormous heads....
and thinking about a career switch to become Hollywoods first face trainer....."Smile, frown, wink, smile, snort, diet pill, fake laugh, fake laugh.... repeat!" "Smile, frown, wink..........
My first two clients...........
But anyways Ive got to run......Im working on writing this comedy about Portland and how its like we are stuck in the 90's....were such a funny backwards people..... except not funny enough for a real cable channel to air....IFC Channel really?? I mean first we only have one pro sports team and then we cant even get a regular channel to air our...........er.....I meant..........Its gonna be funny......I hope the networks pick it up........blog ya later Im going back in for another swim.....
He goes by Mr Williams....clearly an alias.......I better catch him before a certain Ex-Vice President does...... he definately doesn't catch & release like I would.....moving on....
what else have I been doing? Hmmm
Ive been catching up with laundry and household chores....about 150 posts worth....
also been catching up on my new favorite show... Seventeen And Pregnant AGAIN.... riveting!
Pickin up trash on I-5....not so much by choice.....
I also had breakfast with a friend at a strip club...long story......gotta say it kinda looses the magic watching them pressure wash the pole and mop up last night's daddy issues.....just sayin!!!!
what else........oh ya Ive been researching what ever happened to the ellusive B battery...seriously? Rumor has it it runs the shakeweight....looking into it.....
Ive been stalking an ex or two....love the new hairstyle ladies!!!....alot....really really alot......call me
Been doing some intense hard core research on why some celebrities grow such enormous heads....
and thinking about a career switch to become Hollywoods first face trainer....."Smile, frown, wink, smile, snort, diet pill, fake laugh, fake laugh.... repeat!" "Smile, frown, wink..........
But anyways Ive got to run......Im working on writing this comedy about Portland and how its like we are stuck in the 90's....were such a funny backwards people..... except not funny enough for a real cable channel to air....IFC Channel really?? I mean first we only have one pro sports team and then we cant even get a regular channel to air our...........er.....I meant..........Its gonna be funny......I hope the networks pick it up........blog ya later Im going back in for another swim.....
Monday, January 17, 2011
Post #142 My blog is taking a vacation
So I am taking a break from writing posts for a short while. Why? Is the F.C.C. shuttin me down or am I under investigation from the government......maybe they have ramped up my shock therapy...In truth probably all........however for me personally after my 100 facebook posts and then another 50 days or so of blogging Im a bit tired....o ya and I finally came up with a really funny idea thats going to take some time to create....but for a while I am going to throw my feet up on the coffee table or dog (whatevers closer) and relax....crack open a zima and allow the internet to get back to doing what it was designed for....porn and facebook stalking! Cheers.....blog ya soon
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The apocalypse in 10 easy steps.......
As promised...how the apocalypse is going to happen in 10 easy steps....
1. Random birds and fish deaths globally (already happening)....soon to follow by house cats (who off themselves not having anything to hunt....the horror)......
2. Crazy catlady's devastated, without their cats, turn to the streets..... zombielike
3. Streetpeople and actual zombies notice 1000s of empty houses... then totally move in..... ask themselves "How do you get rid of that nasty cat funk?"
4.Streetpeople and actual zombies then throw huge parties in aerated cat lady houses.....keeping up the neighbors...but they don't care cause they are streetpeople and zombies.....
5.One said neighbor is extremely tired one morning and is late to work.. Running late he starts to speed and he gets a ticket.. Doesn't really matter to the whole apocalypse thing but its a bummer for him....
6. Tired guy works at NASA in the "asteroid hitting the earth division"...... also came one pin away from bowling a 300 game once.....
7. Guy notices super mega asteroid....code named "catlady" ...and yes its headed our way
8. Tired guy shoots space missile breaking apart asteroid "almost completely" Not a perfect shot as his bowlers thumb was hurting him and he didn't have a good grip on the missile firing controls
9. Asteroid breaks into lots of smaller roids (can you call them that?) crashing through atmosphere hitting .......
10. random birds and fish....... and we start again......soon to follow by house cats.....
Consider yourself warned
Friday, January 14, 2011
Post #140 Mass fish and bird deaths....Apocalypse or these reasons?
So I have been reading about the mass die off of birds and fish in random parts of the world......even here in Arkansas on New Years 5,000 blackbirds died.....Sweden up to 1000 jackclkaws.....Louisiana 500 blackbirds....750 turtledoves in Italy.....all recently (and theres lots more examples). As for the fish well its 100's of thousands of fish globally...lots of places...google it. Check out this website... www.planetsave.com .....anyway......yesterday they did a bird autopsy on some of the birds. They expected to find some sort of disease in them that was forcing them to all die in groups..... like maybe Crow syphilis or Heron lactose intolerance but (and this is true)...they actually died of some blunt force trauma.....mid air.......Now many have pointed out that this may be the first sign of the apocalypse....and maybe it is....or.....I have a couple ideas on other options....
1.The obvious answer....the birds flew into an invisible spaceship......I know...I know....what you are thinking....spaceships aren't invisible...well the birds wouldn't have flown into them if they could have seen them now would they!
2. The government has been testing a new weapon....probably a super sound wave gun....My bet is they are using a super low voice cranked up super powerful but super low...like Barry White or maybe Crash Test Dummys.....
3. Dick Cheneys hunting rabbits....and we all know his bullets could end up anywhere....
4. The birds arent dead... its all a coverup plotted by vegans....the birds are actually living in harmony with said vegans in a big birdcage.... all pecking at birdseed together or something dumb like that......
5. They all drank the Koolaid and are now traveling on the comet.......
6. Its the start of an M. Night Shaymalan film....probably gonna disappoint again.....
7. We actually are all living in the Truman Show and the poor birds just flew into the painted skyline
8. or they got so excited Verizon was coming out with the IPhone they flew around all crazy and ran into each other....
as for the fish die off
1. Poseidons pissed off
2. The mermaids gave them stds
3. The aliens have invisible underwater sea vehicles....or they ran into Atlantis
4. They were swimming in the Willamette River
5. Supersonic whale mating calls
6. The fish drank the Kool Aid also.....wait do fish drink?
7. In a dumb Shymalan twist the fish and the birds are actually dead already..... and we are dead..... but we now realize were dead..... and now we can see each other being dead...... or some crap like that
8. Or maybe the hunters have been grenade fishing again......
but probably all this really is....is the Hollywood hype machine ramping up for
Pet Cemetery 3 or Hitchcock's The Birds 2
Or maybe it is the apocalypse?...but thats for tomorrow....... oh no.......I just read that the magnetic poles are shifting....for real.........I will have all the proof of this tomorrow......
1.The obvious answer....the birds flew into an invisible spaceship......I know...I know....what you are thinking....spaceships aren't invisible...well the birds wouldn't have flown into them if they could have seen them now would they!
2. The government has been testing a new weapon....probably a super sound wave gun....My bet is they are using a super low voice cranked up super powerful but super low...like Barry White or maybe Crash Test Dummys.....
3. Dick Cheneys hunting rabbits....and we all know his bullets could end up anywhere....
4. The birds arent dead... its all a coverup plotted by vegans....the birds are actually living in harmony with said vegans in a big birdcage.... all pecking at birdseed together or something dumb like that......
5. They all drank the Koolaid and are now traveling on the comet.......
6. Its the start of an M. Night Shaymalan film....probably gonna disappoint again.....
7. We actually are all living in the Truman Show and the poor birds just flew into the painted skyline
8. or they got so excited Verizon was coming out with the IPhone they flew around all crazy and ran into each other....
as for the fish die off
1. Poseidons pissed off
2. The mermaids gave them stds
3. The aliens have invisible underwater sea vehicles....or they ran into Atlantis
4. They were swimming in the Willamette River
5. Supersonic whale mating calls
6. The fish drank the Kool Aid also.....wait do fish drink?
7. In a dumb Shymalan twist the fish and the birds are actually dead already..... and we are dead..... but we now realize were dead..... and now we can see each other being dead...... or some crap like that
8. Or maybe the hunters have been grenade fishing again......
but probably all this really is....is the Hollywood hype machine ramping up for
Pet Cemetery 3 or Hitchcock's The Birds 2
Or maybe it is the apocalypse?...but thats for tomorrow....... oh no.......I just read that the magnetic poles are shifting....for real.........I will have all the proof of this tomorrow......
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Post #139 More Governmental Secrets....Baileyleaks Part 3
So after the other days religion post.......whew!!...and then my sports curses post....Draining.........I thought we would once again lighten it up......and what better way to do that than to make fun of government ....so todays post brings....another installment of secret government files just released to us here at this blog.......Baileyleaks part 3
Baskin Robbbins thinking of expanding to a 32nd flavor.........Early secret test flavors include Cookies Carnies and Cream, Cellulite Sorbet, and some double secret flavor called Prailines and Rage...its huge in Baskin Robbins Iran........
The Iphone 5's secret new technology......pocket dial recognition.....it will not call someone if any buttons are being pressed with any fabric touching the keypad....I need this!!!..but sorry Iranian women...this may not be the phone for you....
The moon landing was real.....the audio was faked.....actual first words were....."Man this sucks... there's nothing up here"
A study finds nine out of 10 mallcops actually can not run as fast as their segway goes..... in a related study 9 out of 10 segways cannot go as fast as most (non-mallcop)people can run.........It's basically a mallcops are outta shape joke....whatever... Moving on..
A governmental phone sex and sexting investigation has found..... Hold on I gotta take this call.... Hey it's Cinnamon who's this?... And what are you wearing? I've been a really bad senator!!!! Wait am I still on this blogsite?.... Man!!!!
This sent to us from Feng Shui wikileaks.....Starting a brand new year by "Dropping the Ball" sends a bad message
A new Nostradamus quatrain recently found.....predicts that in 2011 human kind will come to realize that he was really just making up crap...
January 13th...today...in history......the accordion, the frisbee, and the rubber duckie were invented...Baileyleaks has learned the government is testing all bad music loving hippie sport playing and bathing regressed people to see if their brains are more active today...sources say Chong is testing through the roof....
A previously unreleased medical survey finds fat people who have never broken a bone....must actually be big boned.........this sent to us by ReasonsImHuskyWikiLeaks
A study finds a genetic link between hoarders and polygamists
An anonymous source reports two muppets walked off set due to "uncomfortable working conditions"... During the filming of The Great Chilean Muppet Mining Movie... Rumors are all over town that Animal was impossible to work within the tight confines of the movie cave...
An expensive government survey finds chainsaw juggling just as dangerous for the blind as the fingerless
and finally
Palin family soon to be vindicated after actually discovering land bridge to Russia....
as always more Baileyleaks to come as they are sent to us.........
Baskin Robbbins thinking of expanding to a 32nd flavor.........Early secret test flavors include Cookies Carnies and Cream, Cellulite Sorbet, and some double secret flavor called Prailines and Rage...its huge in Baskin Robbins Iran........
The Iphone 5's secret new technology......pocket dial recognition.....it will not call someone if any buttons are being pressed with any fabric touching the keypad....I need this!!!..but sorry Iranian women...this may not be the phone for you....
The moon landing was real.....the audio was faked.....actual first words were....."Man this sucks... there's nothing up here"
A study finds nine out of 10 mallcops actually can not run as fast as their segway goes..... in a related study 9 out of 10 segways cannot go as fast as most (non-mallcop)people can run.........It's basically a mallcops are outta shape joke....whatever... Moving on..
A governmental phone sex and sexting investigation has found..... Hold on I gotta take this call.... Hey it's Cinnamon who's this?... And what are you wearing? I've been a really bad senator!!!! Wait am I still on this blogsite?.... Man!!!!
This sent to us from Feng Shui wikileaks.....Starting a brand new year by "Dropping the Ball" sends a bad message
A new Nostradamus quatrain recently found.....predicts that in 2011 human kind will come to realize that he was really just making up crap...
January 13th...today...in history......the accordion, the frisbee, and the rubber duckie were invented...Baileyleaks has learned the government is testing all bad music loving hippie sport playing and bathing regressed people to see if their brains are more active today...sources say Chong is testing through the roof....
A previously unreleased medical survey finds fat people who have never broken a bone....must actually be big boned.........this sent to us by ReasonsImHuskyWikiLeaks
A study finds a genetic link between hoarders and polygamists
An anonymous source reports two muppets walked off set due to "uncomfortable working conditions"... During the filming of The Great Chilean Muppet Mining Movie... Rumors are all over town that Animal was impossible to work within the tight confines of the movie cave...
An expensive government survey finds chainsaw juggling just as dangerous for the blind as the fingerless
and finally
Palin family soon to be vindicated after actually discovering land bridge to Russia....
as always more Baileyleaks to come as they are sent to us.........
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Post #138 Sports....curses....and games to avoid....
So the ducks lost in the title game last night in crushing fashion...Man!!!... with some crazy running back rolling over a linebacker...in some weird is he down or is he not play for the ages... where then he runs for 50 yards basically setting up an Auburn game winning field goal.....Really sports??? and this is coming off yesterdays Blazers tough colapse against the Heat and also my beloved Chiefs getting beaten badly in the playoffs......That's it......That is it....I give up.... I believe officially I am sports cursed.... and what did I do?....did I accidently run over some magic squirrel or take a bite of some forbidden mystical late night value meal.... It doesnt really matter....for me its real now....Come to think of it even over Christmas my pictionary team took a massive beating...Come on family that was clearly a picture of Thomas Edison!!!! The real question now is what to do....... and I have decided, for you all, to list the teams and games I like so you can avoid them like the plague in the future....Believe me you will thank me..... Here we go.... they will only bring you pain.....
K.C. Chiefs... breaking my heart since 95
San Diego Padres...I mean did you see their legendary colapse at the end of the last year..again heartbreaking..
Portland Trailblazers... We finally get two potential hall of famers.. oh wait...they are made of glass!!!
Twister...you will break a hip ( sorry grandma)
Cribbage.....don't play or you may see the ever rare triple skunk....
Monopoly......don't play....or you end up in some never ending 5 hour game .....wait I think that's every
game...see also Risk
Wii fishing...you will only catch non keepers...so get ready to throw em back
Beer Pong..... actually good at this...however frequently people, after these games, you will realize...that their really wasn't any true winners...Advil anyone....
Murder Mystery parties....get ready to always end up the person killed
Survivor...haven't picked who can outwit outplay or outlast like ever...so prepare yourself to have your favorite make some terrible alliance and then listen to Jeff say the tribe has spoken..snuff their torch...then watch the nice person win...boring!!
Solitaire....I know what you are thinking...how can you lose when you are playing by yourself.... well get ready for a few playing card paper cuts...
Dance Dance Revolution.... you wont lose...but the minute you play someones gonna see you and take a photo of you and then you are gonna be startled by the flash and twist an ankle and collapse onto the ground where they will inevitably take more photos and then post them on Facebook and everyone will laugh and laugh and....I......er......imagine...
Chess....Checkmate
Super Mario....You wont ever win....In fact you may discover an alternate ending...where the Princess ends up into Bowser these days...I mean come on your a plumber
Golf....how I love you...but get ready for a round that goes like this... tree..tree...water...tree...water...tree...oh no not the parking lot...Yep!!! through your windshield....Man!!!!
Water skiing....he's up...he's down...he's still down...let go of the rope...LET GO OF THE ROPE STUPID........fade to black...then...awake with some guy named Bernard giving you mouth to mouth..............
"Naughty" adult dice....don't play...you will just end up rolling that one thing you don't want to do over and over "Foot rub again?...Really!!".....and in related dicing avoid "relationship dice"....I played once....rolled talking, sharing, listening, sharing, holding, crying together...then I threw them out the window.....
and finally competitive eating...... That 48th hot dog is gonna hurt.... cause you just developed a brand new food allergy...or maybe it was just that many hot dogs...either way really
Well hopefully that helps......Trust me these things will only lead to sad outcomes.... Move on......There are plenty other games to play and teams to root for....... and if you ever see a glowing magical squirrel in the road......Swerve like hell or the next time you are in one of your synchronized swimming matches......... uh...........I guess............you wont be that synchronized or something????
K.C. Chiefs... breaking my heart since 95
San Diego Padres...I mean did you see their legendary colapse at the end of the last year..again heartbreaking..
Portland Trailblazers... We finally get two potential hall of famers.. oh wait...they are made of glass!!!
Twister...you will break a hip ( sorry grandma)
Cribbage.....don't play or you may see the ever rare triple skunk....
Monopoly......don't play....or you end up in some never ending 5 hour game .....wait I think that's every
game...see also Risk
Wii fishing...you will only catch non keepers...so get ready to throw em back
Beer Pong..... actually good at this...however frequently people, after these games, you will realize...that their really wasn't any true winners...Advil anyone....
Murder Mystery parties....get ready to always end up the person killed
Survivor...haven't picked who can outwit outplay or outlast like ever...so prepare yourself to have your favorite make some terrible alliance and then listen to Jeff say the tribe has spoken..snuff their torch...then watch the nice person win...boring!!
Solitaire....I know what you are thinking...how can you lose when you are playing by yourself.... well get ready for a few playing card paper cuts...
Dance Dance Revolution.... you wont lose...but the minute you play someones gonna see you and take a photo of you and then you are gonna be startled by the flash and twist an ankle and collapse onto the ground where they will inevitably take more photos and then post them on Facebook and everyone will laugh and laugh and....I......er......imagine...
Chess....Checkmate
Super Mario....You wont ever win....In fact you may discover an alternate ending...where the Princess ends up into Bowser these days...I mean come on your a plumber
Golf....how I love you...but get ready for a round that goes like this... tree..tree...water...tree...water...tree...oh no not the parking lot...Yep!!! through your windshield....Man!!!!
Water skiing....he's up...he's down...he's still down...let go of the rope...LET GO OF THE ROPE STUPID........fade to black...then...awake with some guy named Bernard giving you mouth to mouth..............
"Naughty" adult dice....don't play...you will just end up rolling that one thing you don't want to do over and over "Foot rub again?...Really!!".....and in related dicing avoid "relationship dice"....I played once....rolled talking, sharing, listening, sharing, holding, crying together...then I threw them out the window.....
and finally competitive eating...... That 48th hot dog is gonna hurt.... cause you just developed a brand new food allergy...or maybe it was just that many hot dogs...either way really
Well hopefully that helps......Trust me these things will only lead to sad outcomes.... Move on......There are plenty other games to play and teams to root for....... and if you ever see a glowing magical squirrel in the road......Swerve like hell or the next time you are in one of your synchronized swimming matches......... uh...........I guess............you wont be that synchronized or something????
Monday, January 10, 2011
Post #137 The Religion Post
Lets talk religion today...Yikes!...I have been thinking about this for a long time...Can you do a funny religious post????? I considered it a challenge and last night I prayed that God would help my readers accept this post and find it funny...That said...here we go...and forgive me...
Now I personally am not a very religious person... That doesn't mean I am not at all religious...it just means like most things in my life (women, the existence of yetis, why the book is always better than the movie, how to stop hair from graying,etc.) I accept I just won't ever know some things. And its in this place of ignorance I reside...fairly happily.
Sure I have had my share of discussions through the years on the topic...and I want to believe..I really do...but before we go there I have a couple grievances I need to air...
First off.... religion ...people war over you, and blog about you (forgive me remember), knock on my door to talk about you...I mean you are better than that...I sometimes play in a band...always trying to get better...but I would never go door to door trying to recruit better guitarists...that's a mangers job... or its something that unsavory people do.. sex offenders, people in pyramid schemes, or people that crash their Volvo wagon into your lawn do. You can do better than that...(Girl scouts selling cookies, totally OK)...
Heres what I do know...religion heralds great people...obviously (Martin Luther King, Ghandi, My Grandparents, the Knights that say Ni...but also some of the worst (Bin Laden, any number of horrible dictators, or the writers of that 4th Indiana Jones movie...I guess the real punishment for drinking from the Holy Grail is a terrible next movie)...Good and bad like most things in life. For me...way more good than bad. Some of the nicest, truest people I know are spiritual. Me...I am just a person who needs to see things to believe them...I've been tricked before (see my Tooth Fairy/Santa post)...And come to think of it, the Easter Bunny, which in the name of religion, purposely fools young children into believing something exists that doesn't...isn't that counterproductive to faith???? Love the candy though....
And don't get me started on Hell...Really??? Some burning underworld of fire, chains, and torture down below the ground...where evil people go...after someone eats your soul and you just suffer down there for eternity?? Seems like a bad script that needs Nicholas Cage to be involved with. I mean how far down is it? Come to think of it...maybe that's where the Chilean minors were...Scratch this thought...Hell is in Chili...it certainly was for me after I ate at that Chilean food from that food cart...
But I am not a total doubter. For me, one of the best arguments for God is nature, and how life survives sometimes against all odds (it's true, I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel)...I mean I see a creature like an eagle or photos of the Galapagos islands or the magic Hollywood plastic surgeons can do and I think something or someone created this...they had to. In what way? I have no idea...I think for me the afterlife could just as easily be some sort of reincarnation...I may not believe in Hell but you better believe I imagine the Bin Ladens of the world coming back as tapeworms or dung beetles after they die (or that squirrel we hit yesterday...I really hope that was you Stalin....or the inventor of telemarketing...I would have stopped and then backed over you again and again and again)...um...next...
The truth is I really hope for a Heaven...that when I die I end up in my own version (and not one of those terrorist ones where they get like 50 virgins...Who would want that?...Nightmare!...Can you only imagine the 50 different arguments about how "You don't ever really listen to my needs!!"...and forget about ever hanging with the guys...good luck getting 50 girls to sign off on a guys night out). Moving on...Just a heaven with my closest friends and family where you can play cloud golf and have the best Chinese food ever and my sports teams actually win...Sounds great to me...I can buy into that...To sum it up and before some of you stick pins in your voodoo dolls of me (I respect your religious choice Voodooers, BTW...just sayin!) If God is in the details well then the details for me look exactly like my close friends and family... in those funny (sometimes inappropriate) dinner conversations where nobody would rather be anywhere else or when at 18 you and some of your closest friends play music together for the first time...thats it for me...( and no I am not typing this wearing tyedye!!) ..... well....hopefully when we die, god forbid, we will all be there waiting for each other to move on together....oh no...I think my religious beliefs are the same as the ones at the end of Lost...Man!!!...does that make me Charlie or Hurley or Ben Linus?...I guess time will tell...(I think I watch too much TV) Cue the music and...
Now I personally am not a very religious person... That doesn't mean I am not at all religious...it just means like most things in my life (women, the existence of yetis, why the book is always better than the movie, how to stop hair from graying,etc.) I accept I just won't ever know some things. And its in this place of ignorance I reside...fairly happily.
Sure I have had my share of discussions through the years on the topic...and I want to believe..I really do...but before we go there I have a couple grievances I need to air...
First off.... religion ...people war over you, and blog about you (forgive me remember), knock on my door to talk about you...I mean you are better than that...I sometimes play in a band...always trying to get better...but I would never go door to door trying to recruit better guitarists...that's a mangers job... or its something that unsavory people do.. sex offenders, people in pyramid schemes, or people that crash their Volvo wagon into your lawn do. You can do better than that...(Girl scouts selling cookies, totally OK)...
Heres what I do know...religion heralds great people...obviously (Martin Luther King, Ghandi, My Grandparents, the Knights that say Ni...but also some of the worst (Bin Laden, any number of horrible dictators, or the writers of that 4th Indiana Jones movie...I guess the real punishment for drinking from the Holy Grail is a terrible next movie)...Good and bad like most things in life. For me...way more good than bad. Some of the nicest, truest people I know are spiritual. Me...I am just a person who needs to see things to believe them...I've been tricked before (see my Tooth Fairy/Santa post)...And come to think of it, the Easter Bunny, which in the name of religion, purposely fools young children into believing something exists that doesn't...isn't that counterproductive to faith???? Love the candy though....
And don't get me started on Hell...Really??? Some burning underworld of fire, chains, and torture down below the ground...where evil people go...after someone eats your soul and you just suffer down there for eternity?? Seems like a bad script that needs Nicholas Cage to be involved with. I mean how far down is it? Come to think of it...maybe that's where the Chilean minors were...Scratch this thought...Hell is in Chili...it certainly was for me after I ate at that Chilean food from that food cart...
But I am not a total doubter. For me, one of the best arguments for God is nature, and how life survives sometimes against all odds (it's true, I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel)...I mean I see a creature like an eagle or photos of the Galapagos islands or the magic Hollywood plastic surgeons can do and I think something or someone created this...they had to. In what way? I have no idea...I think for me the afterlife could just as easily be some sort of reincarnation...I may not believe in Hell but you better believe I imagine the Bin Ladens of the world coming back as tapeworms or dung beetles after they die (or that squirrel we hit yesterday...I really hope that was you Stalin....or the inventor of telemarketing...I would have stopped and then backed over you again and again and again)...um...next...
The truth is I really hope for a Heaven...that when I die I end up in my own version (and not one of those terrorist ones where they get like 50 virgins...Who would want that?...Nightmare!...Can you only imagine the 50 different arguments about how "You don't ever really listen to my needs!!"...and forget about ever hanging with the guys...good luck getting 50 girls to sign off on a guys night out). Moving on...Just a heaven with my closest friends and family where you can play cloud golf and have the best Chinese food ever and my sports teams actually win...Sounds great to me...I can buy into that...To sum it up and before some of you stick pins in your voodoo dolls of me (I respect your religious choice Voodooers, BTW...just sayin!) If God is in the details well then the details for me look exactly like my close friends and family... in those funny (sometimes inappropriate) dinner conversations where nobody would rather be anywhere else or when at 18 you and some of your closest friends play music together for the first time...thats it for me...( and no I am not typing this wearing tyedye!!) ..... well....hopefully when we die, god forbid, we will all be there waiting for each other to move on together....oh no...I think my religious beliefs are the same as the ones at the end of Lost...Man!!!...does that make me Charlie or Hurley or Ben Linus?...I guess time will tell...(I think I watch too much TV) Cue the music and...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Post #136 Lederhosen, Plutonium, and camels?
So the tickets are purchased....the time has been approved off at work.....my creepy European mustache is coming in nicely...so this trip is happening....and it got me thinking about taking this blog in a more global direction (save your that makes sense...Ive always thought you had a North Korean sense of humor comments)......so not true...... anyways..........
Now check this and this is totally true.... this blog already has some international readership. Readers from Germany, France, Canada, Brazil (thanks Michael), The United Kingdom, a very frequent reader in Malaysia......Selamat pag to you Malaysians, Russia, Singapore, Croatia.......wait.....Croatia!!!!! We are headed there on our travels......to.....Dubrovnik.
So just throwing this out there......Dubrovnikians.......what should we do in your town while we are there...Euro vino kegger?......Monster truck rally/bullfight (you gotta see it to believe it)?....public stoning?.....haunted castle? (true fact.....they have better ghosts in Europe in general....cause they are much older ghosts.....depending where you are in Europe you can see.....I dont know.... the ghost of Merlin or Spartacus or one of the wise men...or maybe the ghost of NATO's effectiveness....... scary.......anyways let me know please.....we will be there the second week in February....or in an Austrian prison....coin flip really......
Actually and this goes out to anyone out there. Is there anywhere in Germany, Austria, Croatia, and Greece we have to see. Let me know. Things my brother and I might be interested in might include.......seeing some old Catacombs or going on a European witch or yeti hunt......the Austrian beer and pretzel and then more beer festival, or the museum that explains why Europeans like the Hasselhoff (seriously why?).....pretty much anything with lederhosen or anywhere Anthony Bourdain has been.....
O ya and when we end up in Egypt.....any recommendations would help....Safe place to stay, How to avoid getting rabies from biting camels (did I mention we are taking a camel ride?)....then maybe check out the cameltoe museum.....alright.... really no way to back away from that joke gracefully....so I move on......basically the goal is to see some wild things.... so much so....that my blog finally interest the Iranians and North Koreans....but in truth to get them to read my post I would probably have to start writing posts like Post #136 Where I Hid the Plutonium!........wait did that just put me on a watch list?....Man!!!!
Now check this and this is totally true.... this blog already has some international readership. Readers from Germany, France, Canada, Brazil (thanks Michael), The United Kingdom, a very frequent reader in Malaysia......Selamat pag to you Malaysians, Russia, Singapore, Croatia.......wait.....Croatia!!!!! We are headed there on our travels......to.....Dubrovnik.
So just throwing this out there......Dubrovnikians.......what should we do in your town while we are there...Euro vino kegger?......Monster truck rally/bullfight (you gotta see it to believe it)?....public stoning?.....haunted castle? (true fact.....they have better ghosts in Europe in general....cause they are much older ghosts.....depending where you are in Europe you can see.....I dont know.... the ghost of Merlin or Spartacus or one of the wise men...or maybe the ghost of NATO's effectiveness....... scary.......anyways let me know please.....we will be there the second week in February....or in an Austrian prison....coin flip really......
Actually and this goes out to anyone out there. Is there anywhere in Germany, Austria, Croatia, and Greece we have to see. Let me know. Things my brother and I might be interested in might include.......seeing some old Catacombs or going on a European witch or yeti hunt......the Austrian beer and pretzel and then more beer festival, or the museum that explains why Europeans like the Hasselhoff (seriously why?).....pretty much anything with lederhosen or anywhere Anthony Bourdain has been.....
O ya and when we end up in Egypt.....any recommendations would help....Safe place to stay, How to avoid getting rabies from biting camels (did I mention we are taking a camel ride?)....then maybe check out the cameltoe museum.....alright.... really no way to back away from that joke gracefully....so I move on......basically the goal is to see some wild things.... so much so....that my blog finally interest the Iranians and North Koreans....but in truth to get them to read my post I would probably have to start writing posts like Post #136 Where I Hid the Plutonium!........wait did that just put me on a watch list?....Man!!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Post #135 Europe
So the rumors are true ......my brother and I are headed to Europe. When and where?.........Middle of next month and we are going to hit Austria and Germany and Greece........and probably Cairo. Im very freekin excited!!! It has been about three years since us Grizwalds...er.....Baileys were over there. So I have about a month to do my planning. Things like which fanny pack to buy and phone numbers of different European organ donors...you know for when we wake up in a European bathtub full of ice. And don't even get me started on the human centipede.....that was in Germany if I remember correctly.....the horror.......moving on.......Its going to be ......postworthy....and yes I will be bringing my computer with me......so expect posts like.....
Why I hate weird Norwegian dudes that snore all night in bunks above me in hostels
How I barely survived Cairo.....hopefully
How getting typhoid is a kind of a dietary blessing
How my American bandana was the wrong fashion choice in Egypt
or the ...I think I lost my brother post.........
so many more......
Basically here's the plan........we are spending the first week skiing in a kind of Aspen in Austria with friends. Then....who know. Early plans have us headed south. Hitting up Croatia and Greece before we see one of the wonders of the world..the Great Pyramids. But if I know us......er .....me especially we could end up anywhere....and truly I wouldnt have it any other way........anyways Im off to do a little research......let the month of travel posts start now...............................
Why I hate weird Norwegian dudes that snore all night in bunks above me in hostels
How I barely survived Cairo.....hopefully
How getting typhoid is a kind of a dietary blessing
How my American bandana was the wrong fashion choice in Egypt
or the ...I think I lost my brother post.........
so many more......
Basically here's the plan........we are spending the first week skiing in a kind of Aspen in Austria with friends. Then....who know. Early plans have us headed south. Hitting up Croatia and Greece before we see one of the wonders of the world..the Great Pyramids. But if I know us......er .....me especially we could end up anywhere....and truly I wouldnt have it any other way........anyways Im off to do a little research......let the month of travel posts start now...............................
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Post #134 Cooking Show Post
rehab!!!! I don't think?.......... moving on..... I love how often times when the contestants are asked what their cooking style is ....they say "I like to cook with lots of flavor" or " My culinary point of view is bold flavors" Flavor!!!!! That's not a freakin' style. That's like asking a comedian "What style of comedy do you do?" um the funny kind! ........ or Mrs. Pornstar "What kind of porn do you make?"
....... um the daddy issues kind! come on people, let's think about our answers. Don't just point out the obvious. For example, if someone asked me what kind of cooking style I have, I would respond with......"Thanks for asking Padma... I think we both know whats really cooking here... and it's not the food (pause for effect.... wink).... then Id say
"my style of cooking is the breakfast in bed kind! You like?" You see - not hard. and don't even get me started on Iron Chef America.
Some genius decided to make a cooking show but in a kitchen STADIUM with a play by play announcer. Sports and cooking together.... Does it get any better? The only better combo might be Sportscenter hosted by Victoria's Secret models....... makes me wonder what
their catchphrases might be....."Drops back... throws it and Touchdown!!! Boy I haven't seen anyone score that easy since the last time I auditioned for that movie"......or "he jams it!!!...boy he really got up there... I haven't seen that kinda lift since the invention of the Wonderbra!" or my personal favorite model sportscaster saying "When the red light is on does that mean we are on the air? and I should talk or something?"...... Be honest with yourselves....You would watch!
P.S. this photo is here just because....uh....I dont get it?....what school must you attend that gets you prepared for this career choice? also....must suck cause bathroom breaks are out of the question and you better not need to sneeze or have had chili for lunch....or what if it wasn't what you ordered...how do you send this back? "Um....we ordered the Siamese twin platter sir! Not the stripper with daddy issues second job platter!!!"
Blog ya'll later.....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Post #133 Writing styles part 2..........
So here's a couple more writing styles I have been working on.... just trying to expand my writing resume.....and hopefully catch the eye of a writing scout. That said here's a few more.............
Yearbook writer.............Its been a fun year. Hope you enjoy whatever college you end up going to. We didn't really get to know each other very well this year.....but thats because I am popular and....well....you aren't...If fact I need to go right now before someone sees me signing your book.........
Computer Code...........11101010001011001001001100010110100111010110011010100001101100110111000110010100111100101000110111010001100011100100001101000111000101001010010001000
Advice Column...........Dear Looking for Love, I suggest that maybe you turn off those romance movies and maybe mix in a salad or hit the gym. Then when you are out and you meet a fella may I suggest being nice and fun and not all complainy and bitchy. Try that and remember love is a privilege and not a rite...oh yeah, not being prude helps sometimes too. Thanks and feel free to hit me up for more advice.
Horoscope/Fortune Cookie............(Pisces)..All signs point to love in the nearest of futures. Be on the lookout. Someone will approach you soon. This special someone will share your sense of humor and be fun. Probably wont be prude either. It may be the start of a beautiful romance. Oh yeah, and steer clear of bears.
Greeting Card....here's an example of a birthday card for a grandparent....and this is one of the cards that plays music when you open it up...This is set to the Happy Birthday song music............
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
You wont see many more birthdays...sad but true
Cause your cats will eat you
Obituary..............Here lies Old Granny McDowell. Died at 93. Enjoyed Jeopardy, needlepoint, and having blue hair. Survived by her 8 very fat cats...
Dear John letter..............Baby, if you are reading this I am already gone.....and I wont be returning. Its not you its me........I just feel suffocated here so I am leaving and starting over. Take care....P.S. I left pretty much everything except for a few pairs of swim suits.....
Travel magazine............ This new island paradise is set in the Carribean Sea. Give it a 5 star rating....... People spend their days snorkeling and playing in the ocean. There are ziplines and countless bars............and the whole island is full of beautiful single local women. Its almost as if you should leave a Dear John letter fellas and get down here. But I joke......
So here's to hoping I get the new job...........................
Yearbook writer.............Its been a fun year. Hope you enjoy whatever college you end up going to. We didn't really get to know each other very well this year.....but thats because I am popular and....well....you aren't...If fact I need to go right now before someone sees me signing your book.........
Computer Code...........11101010001011001001001100010110100111010110011010100001101100110111000110010100111100101000110111010001100011100100001101000111000101001010010001000
Advice Column...........Dear Looking for Love, I suggest that maybe you turn off those romance movies and maybe mix in a salad or hit the gym. Then when you are out and you meet a fella may I suggest being nice and fun and not all complainy and bitchy. Try that and remember love is a privilege and not a rite...oh yeah, not being prude helps sometimes too. Thanks and feel free to hit me up for more advice.
Horoscope/Fortune Cookie............(Pisces)..All signs point to love in the nearest of futures. Be on the lookout. Someone will approach you soon. This special someone will share your sense of humor and be fun. Probably wont be prude either. It may be the start of a beautiful romance. Oh yeah, and steer clear of bears.
Greeting Card....here's an example of a birthday card for a grandparent....and this is one of the cards that plays music when you open it up...This is set to the Happy Birthday song music............
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
You wont see many more birthdays...sad but true
Cause your cats will eat you
Obituary..............Here lies Old Granny McDowell. Died at 93. Enjoyed Jeopardy, needlepoint, and having blue hair. Survived by her 8 very fat cats...
Dear John letter..............Baby, if you are reading this I am already gone.....and I wont be returning. Its not you its me........I just feel suffocated here so I am leaving and starting over. Take care....P.S. I left pretty much everything except for a few pairs of swim suits.....
Travel magazine............ This new island paradise is set in the Carribean Sea. Give it a 5 star rating....... People spend their days snorkeling and playing in the ocean. There are ziplines and countless bars............and the whole island is full of beautiful single local women. Its almost as if you should leave a Dear John letter fellas and get down here. But I joke......
So here's to hoping I get the new job...........................
Post #132....random stuff and things...and Im applying for a new job
Well I have finished my 10 resolutions and the holidays are over so no more talking about that..... cant really talk about exes cause I haven't created any lately.... and even the celbrities and aliens have been relatively well behaved.........so.....what to talk about?...... Well I have applied to become an online writer........we shall see if they are ready for my humor........ not sure if the associated press is interested in using my material? You know my posts on reality shows, aliens, exes, wikileaks, and things I learn sleeping with the Tv on but....you never know.......so todays post.........How I can write in different ways.........for you writing scouts........
Romantic......He was so so strapping......I almost couldnt control these urges....I hadn't felt this way in a long while.....probably since Carlos and that bear fought to the death for my hand......Even though Carlos didn't win my hand (the bear won ....obviously) I would never again be as arroused as I was that day... with him.....
For a math magazine......If one train leaves from Boston going 75mph and another leaves from Hawaii going 83mph where do they meet?.....I dont know.... a math joke?....Is that even possible?
For a womans periodical................Top 10 ways to get him to stop noticing that young hussy and start appreciating what a full figured and mature cougar has to offer....... Riveting!
Poetry..............They battled, they punched
They scratched, and they lunged
They bit and they hit
But in the end he just lunched......on Carlos
I call it "The Ballad of the Bear"
For a pro-animal pertiodocal........ So the poor bear had sustained some scratches and some bruises during the scuffle......the bastards!!! Sure Carlos was dead but how dare he...... harm in any way... one little furry hair on one of natures magestic miracles........I cry for your scratches bear.......
Sports.............. articles like ......How many steroids is too many? or How to hide your knee injury just long enough to get that max contract......
and lastly one of those conspiracy magazines................. An inside source has provided me with specific test results on.......wait for it.........genetically enhanced bears.....the government is training them in hand to hand combat and computer hacking (not sure how they work the keyboard....) but anyways.... they are getting them trained for an impending Mexican invasion.......This sent to us from one of our readers......Carlos
I better brush up on some more styles......maybe for tomorrow.......
Romantic......He was so so strapping......I almost couldnt control these urges....I hadn't felt this way in a long while.....probably since Carlos and that bear fought to the death for my hand......Even though Carlos didn't win my hand (the bear won ....obviously) I would never again be as arroused as I was that day... with him.....
For a math magazine......If one train leaves from Boston going 75mph and another leaves from Hawaii going 83mph where do they meet?.....I dont know.... a math joke?....Is that even possible?
For a womans periodical................Top 10 ways to get him to stop noticing that young hussy and start appreciating what a full figured and mature cougar has to offer....... Riveting!
Poetry..............They battled, they punched
They scratched, and they lunged
They bit and they hit
But in the end he just lunched......on Carlos
I call it "The Ballad of the Bear"
For a pro-animal pertiodocal........ So the poor bear had sustained some scratches and some bruises during the scuffle......the bastards!!! Sure Carlos was dead but how dare he...... harm in any way... one little furry hair on one of natures magestic miracles........I cry for your scratches bear.......
Sports.............. articles like ......How many steroids is too many? or How to hide your knee injury just long enough to get that max contract......
and lastly one of those conspiracy magazines................. An inside source has provided me with specific test results on.......wait for it.........genetically enhanced bears.....the government is training them in hand to hand combat and computer hacking (not sure how they work the keyboard....) but anyways.... they are getting them trained for an impending Mexican invasion.......This sent to us from one of our readers......Carlos
I better brush up on some more styles......maybe for tomorrow.......
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Resolution 10 of 10 To have some classy resolutions next year
Resolution 10..... Basically to have a really really successful fun and productive year. So much so that next year my resolutions might just look high class.....cause half way through the year people I'm gonna enter the rich upper crust.....wow.....I kinda always figured that would happen.... but so soon?......Oh well.... Here's a sample few of my potential rich people resolutions for 2012...
To eat less caviar....and foie gras......and truffles.......and Top Ramen Platinum Series
To finally get a good offer on my beach house this year so I can upgrade to a villa...right near the Baldwins
To be knighted this year....cause.....I'm wealthy.....and that's what happens to really wealthy people
To increase the size of my entourage....but with significantly less attractive people so I kinda "pop"
To diet....probably by cutting out the fourth course of each meal
To buy Americans....er ....I meant American
To complain a little less about not getting even more rich people tax cuts....I use that money to create jobs people.....anybody wanna go yacht shopping?
To have my bronze sculpture made less anatomically correct and more fitting of a man of my status
To star in a tv show about hiring someone to learn under me...gonna call it "The Subordinate"
To stay more connected with friends and family....mental note..... hire someone to handle that for me
To finally get my polar bear fur jacket made
To give back to my hometown......Baileyville.....so I bought the town so what....
To finally find a way to spend the rest of this government bailout money.... maybe another island....or another private plane or...... maybe I will give some to our lobbyists to use.......
To finally make it in to every room in my house this year
To finally get my keys to the secret rich people club where they....er.... we drink fine wine and eat baby bald eagle wings and discuss things like future pyramid schemes while watching our young ones play polo on Shetland ponies............
But overall to stay grounded....not to let my wealth go to my head........ better make sure the painter captures that humbleness in me....in my large oil painting self portrait.....should I be in the study by the fireplace or with the hounds and the hunting rifle?.......
To eat less caviar....and foie gras......and truffles.......and Top Ramen Platinum Series
To finally get a good offer on my beach house this year so I can upgrade to a villa...right near the Baldwins
To be knighted this year....cause.....I'm wealthy.....and that's what happens to really wealthy people
To increase the size of my entourage....but with significantly less attractive people so I kinda "pop"
To diet....probably by cutting out the fourth course of each meal
To buy Americans....er ....I meant American
To complain a little less about not getting even more rich people tax cuts....I use that money to create jobs people.....anybody wanna go yacht shopping?
To have my bronze sculpture made less anatomically correct and more fitting of a man of my status
To star in a tv show about hiring someone to learn under me...gonna call it "The Subordinate"
To stay more connected with friends and family....mental note..... hire someone to handle that for me
To finally get my polar bear fur jacket made
To give back to my hometown......Baileyville.....so I bought the town so what....
To finally find a way to spend the rest of this government bailout money.... maybe another island....or another private plane or...... maybe I will give some to our lobbyists to use.......
To finally make it in to every room in my house this year
To finally get my keys to the secret rich people club where they....er.... we drink fine wine and eat baby bald eagle wings and discuss things like future pyramid schemes while watching our young ones play polo on Shetland ponies............
But overall to stay grounded....not to let my wealth go to my head........ better make sure the painter captures that humbleness in me....in my large oil painting self portrait.....should I be in the study by the fireplace or with the hounds and the hunting rifle?.......
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Resolution #9 of 10 to be more openminded
So starting this year I am going to become more open minded. Toss all my preconceived notions out the window........try things I normally think kinda suck all over again.... Who knows maybe I will discover some things are better than I remember. So below is a list of some things Im gonna try again......and then .....if it turns out ..... I do like these things.....what I might say.
Eating vegan...... You know I might think Wow delicious! Flavor is overrated anyways...... and its great for my friends and family too... when eating dinner over at their house..... I can tell they like having to cook a whole bunch of extra things just to accomodate my dietary choice......
Watching lifetime....... Actually great channel.......Hating men and crying does make for fun programming
Country music....... I Love it (said all twangy)....Some of those songs take me away to a land of broken pickups, lost dogs, cheatin women, and other peoples trucks in my driveway...
The 2 party system....... In 2011 I think this totaly works....all the backstabbing, gridlock, lobbying, earmarks, corruption.... so entertaining....kinda makes democrats and republicans feel like the Hatfields and Mccoys of today!!!!
Hangovers...........still suck in 2011
Myspace........Now to be honest I don't hate.... I just don't ever check....but in 2011 Im giving it another go and early results are in.....and.....so much better than Facebook cause I can say anything or post anything crazy and nobody ever will know.....wait I do that on Facebook anyways...huh........mental note.....gonna tweat this.....
The Dentist..........man to be honest.......it would take really hot dental assistants whispering a promise of free golf for a year in my ear to make me enjoy this..... and to those of you who "Dont mind the dentist"....um....you have a persons hands in your mouth and they are scraping and drilling and.....ah!!!!! Just a random thought but I bet if you interviewed serial killers 9 out of 10 of them "didn't mind the dentist"
Attending someones graduation.......man was I wrong when I thought this was the most boring thing ever....now I soak in all sorts of life knowledge from pre-college teenagers giving their "what life is really all about" speeches and then I have like 3 hours to sit with my thoughts....when do you get that anymore!!!
Eating undercooked or spoiled meats.........Delicious!!!! This gets such a bad wrap....Nothing kills taste like cooking the juices out of something....plus you count the built in upcoming weight loss. If you are a big fan of this may I suggest the Chinese food cart Downtown on 5th...tell em Steve sent ya!
6 day work weeks....Thanks boss.... keeping me out of trouble!!!!
And finally (although I swear there are probably 100 more things to retry) I think I have given certain dangerous animals a bad rap....This year instead of avoiding or swatting certain animals I am going to embrace the critters..Try to pick up and pet spiders and snakes......cover myself in chum and hope to swim with the sharks....give a bear hug to a grizzly.......live in harmony with rats in my house.......be one of those freaky dudes that covers himself in bees cause.....uh....I dont know Why would you do that? Seems dumb.....anyways I'm off to go for a swim with some barracuda. They used to scare me but I bet they just tickle when they are all around you. blog ya later!!!
Eating vegan...... You know I might think Wow delicious! Flavor is overrated anyways...... and its great for my friends and family too... when eating dinner over at their house..... I can tell they like having to cook a whole bunch of extra things just to accomodate my dietary choice......
Watching lifetime....... Actually great channel.......Hating men and crying does make for fun programming
Country music....... I Love it (said all twangy)....Some of those songs take me away to a land of broken pickups, lost dogs, cheatin women, and other peoples trucks in my driveway...
The 2 party system....... In 2011 I think this totaly works....all the backstabbing, gridlock, lobbying, earmarks, corruption.... so entertaining....kinda makes democrats and republicans feel like the Hatfields and Mccoys of today!!!!
Hangovers...........still suck in 2011
Myspace........Now to be honest I don't hate.... I just don't ever check....but in 2011 Im giving it another go and early results are in.....and.....so much better than Facebook cause I can say anything or post anything crazy and nobody ever will know.....wait I do that on Facebook anyways...huh........mental note.....gonna tweat this.....
The Dentist..........man to be honest.......it would take really hot dental assistants whispering a promise of free golf for a year in my ear to make me enjoy this..... and to those of you who "Dont mind the dentist"....um....you have a persons hands in your mouth and they are scraping and drilling and.....ah!!!!! Just a random thought but I bet if you interviewed serial killers 9 out of 10 of them "didn't mind the dentist"
Attending someones graduation.......man was I wrong when I thought this was the most boring thing ever....now I soak in all sorts of life knowledge from pre-college teenagers giving their "what life is really all about" speeches and then I have like 3 hours to sit with my thoughts....when do you get that anymore!!!
Eating undercooked or spoiled meats.........Delicious!!!! This gets such a bad wrap....Nothing kills taste like cooking the juices out of something....plus you count the built in upcoming weight loss. If you are a big fan of this may I suggest the Chinese food cart Downtown on 5th...tell em Steve sent ya!
6 day work weeks....Thanks boss.... keeping me out of trouble!!!!
And finally (although I swear there are probably 100 more things to retry) I think I have given certain dangerous animals a bad rap....This year instead of avoiding or swatting certain animals I am going to embrace the critters..Try to pick up and pet spiders and snakes......cover myself in chum and hope to swim with the sharks....give a bear hug to a grizzly.......live in harmony with rats in my house.......be one of those freaky dudes that covers himself in bees cause.....uh....I dont know Why would you do that? Seems dumb.....anyways I'm off to go for a swim with some barracuda. They used to scare me but I bet they just tickle when they are all around you. blog ya later!!!