The Worst of BBQing!!

So my girlfriend and I got a puppy this weekend.
This little future nightmare...

So I guess I should get ready to write the...
 "Expensive Things My Little Demon Dog Ate Post"


However... he is too young to pick up till next week...
So that post will have to wait....


Till then.... here's a BBQ related post... 
Cause here in Portland...
 The weather is extremely nice..
And well... I got my barbecue on this weekend!

Just NOT at all like how this guy did!!

Whatever....
You see...  up here in the Pacific Northwest....
We often have long winters....
And don't get a chance to BBQ as often as we should...
Well for me I hadn't "cued" in a while....
And I could tell that my barbecue had grown..... well...

Angry!!?

So I decided it was time to fire him up...
And so I did...
Now.... sure at first a neglected BBQ.....

Can make you freekin pay!!
Man I hate that!!

But I adapted....
I've just learned to grill from a.... 

Safer distance.

But this post isn't about me...
Its about all BBQ-ers .... everywhere....
Cause BBQ is huge... country wide..


Its nearly a religion in some parts of the country....
Parts of the country where they even set up.....

Meat Nativity's???
Just to commemorate the start of BBQ season???
Huh??

Anyways...
You see... for some...
 BBQ is a way of living..
You just "have to cue"....
In fact it doesn't even matter what you cook ON....

From chairs....

To bikes....

To way up on top of your car...
 in some strange "power-trip" kinda cooking?.....

Now wait...
 Before you start to say...
 "Those are just places that rednecks cook up their tasty vittles"...
I happen to know that.....

"Cocky Porche owners" do it too!!!

But enough of that...
BBQing is really about the FOOD!
And it shouldn't matter what you cook..
Cause a good BBQ chef... er... "meat flipper"...
 Can make anything taste good...

I strongly disagree... with the "anything"...
But that's just one man's opinion?
Come on Arkansas!! 

Lets move on...

Now... how does one "become a great BBQ chef"? 

Well...

"Just cook up what you like... but while drinking... dummy!" 

....one professional BBQ-er I interviewed told me....

So that's all I do..

Myself I enjoy grinding up my own burger patties..

But using my meat gun!!

This one!!
Also available in shotgun form...
which 9 out of 10  cooks reviewed as "Regrettably messy!!"

It doesn't matter..
 Its BBQ..
Its outdoors..
In nature....
Its hopefully with friends and the neighbors "you hate the least"!

Have fun with it!
Nerds included!!

And enjoy...
Now.... while on the subject...
And as I leave you today I do have a couple warnings...


First off... when BBQ-ing....

Don"t do this!!!
Pretty simple!

And...
Then when getting your drink on at "the cue"..

Hopefully using something like this...
Which I am totally gonna make next weekend...

Don't get too too DRUNK....
Cause if you do....
And sometimes we all do...
And your like me...
 And you like to "Amuse your friends!!"
Well you might end up being the guy that....

Puts fireworks in his mouth....

So.... DON'T be the guy that puts fireworks in his mouth!!!
O.K.??
Cause you'll regret it!!
And that's it...
 Enjoy your BBQ everybody!!!
Oh and by the way...

Blog ya'll later.

The Worst Hike Ever Post!

All right so its been almost a week since my last confession... er... post.
Anyways I have a story to share with you all.... a true story.


You see last weekend....
 While making yet another creative breakfast....

The old severed hand breakfast...
...which is bloody delicious!!

Well... I got to some thinking..
 I decided I needed to get out and get some fresh air...
I needed to enjoy me some nature...
So I talked my girlfriend into joining me... 
On a short little hike..


Now first off... like any good "hikey"... 
 We had to get prepared for our "voluntary walking torture"... er... hike....

So I put on my hiking clothes...

And she put on her hiking boots.........

Which..... she would so later regret...
but whatever...

(Bonus fact wilderness shoppers- they also make ladies hiking sandals these days!!)

Which 9 out of 10 women reviewed as...
 "Ankle Shattering!" 

But anyways.... thats not what I wanted to talk about. 
This story is about "the hike"....
And so... for us.. being the novice hikers we are...
We picked out a short little 5 mile loop to hike...
And we set out.... cranked up the tunes....

And car karaoked all the way to the forest.
Man we were feeling good!

But we would NEVER COMPLETE THAT LOOP!! 
More on that later.


Now at first the hike was fun....

We crossed streams... and hiked small hills...

And all was good...
We even met some very friendly fellow hikers who helped point us in the right direction....

But with the "pointer mother nature gave him?"

And so we hiked on.....
We.... even ran into a man stuck in some quicksand...

Who offered us booze... before he sank.
How nice was that!!
"Hiking rules!"... the couch potato in me said.

We were having so much fun....
I joked about coming back out here another weekend...

But in my bear costume...
I mean how great would that be!

We even talked about taking our hiking to the next level one day..

The over the edge level!

All was so good..
Hiking was stupid easy!!!


So we hiked on.....

And we crossed streams... and small hills...

And hiked on even more...

And we crossed streams... and small hills....

And it was less fun.


"Man shouldn't we be back by now" I thought to myself...
"Had I not seen this same stupid hill already" I thought?
And then it happened...
I realized we were lost.
You see I had been reading my girlfriends compass all day!

And it was dead wrong!!!

As it turns out we were now 8 miles in... 
And tired.... 
And lost...

Now... I knew what to do when lost in snow...
but not nicer weather???

My girlfriend now upset and tired... was done with this!
I needed a plan!
So I thought and I thought...
And then I had an extremely "tough" power bar...

This one?

And then I thought some more.....
And then it happened...
I came up with a plan....


You see we needed to turn around and....
 "Hike back some 8 miles" I told her.....

And explained to her with my fingers.

She responded to my plan .....

With hers....

So with nothing else to do... we turned around...
And walked...
And walked....
And walked....
And after seeing some rock formations that seemed to be only....

"Mocking us?"

We eventually made it back to the car.
Hallelujah!!!
We could finally go home...


However.... and sadly...

That was not to be.

You see it didn't start..
Apparently some car karaoke-er had left the radio on??

So we did what true hikers would do in this situation..

We walked home...
In what I now refer to as...
 "The long expletive hike home?"

Now I would like to tell you all a story of how we grew closer as we hiked home.... 
And that we now laugh about our adventure these few days later....


But I think that will have to wait....

Till her blisters subside?

Till then...
And from the dog house...
Blog ya'll later!