The Breakfast Post

So Im just gonna come out and say it...
I believe in alien mind control!!!
No wait.... 
Wait...
That's for a totally different post....
um...


Today's post was supposed to be....
 How I freekin love breakfast....
Yep breakfast!!
Man do I love it....
Don't we all?
Well the other day I woke up in my breakfast themed sheets...

These ones....

And realized I wanted to get stupid good at cooking breakfast!

Now...  sadly Ive never been a very good cook...

Sure I've perfected cooking the occasional frozen pizza...

When I didn't fall asleep cooking it?

But whatever...
It was time to move passed that.
I was time to become a breakfast CHEF!


So this is the story of how I unleashed that inner chef I always new I had in me.....

And to very clear.... it was nothing like this guys inner chef!!!

Moving on...
So.... the other morning I sprang outta bed... 
and took a quick morning shower....

That included just a "minor head injury" from a slip in the tub..

And I strapped on my Star Wars apron... and got after it...

Side note- Vader helmet only recommended for "advanced chefs"!

Now my first attempt was a failure I admit...

And after a "small-ish?" kitchen fire on my second attempt....

I realized I needed some help....

So I decided to get some cooking tips....
And as always I turned to the internet... 
and it was...well...  informative?

I learned of a thing called a donut bath?
Huh?
I guess that's breakfast related?

And I learned of a Cheerios facial????

Which I found more disturbing than helpful really???

So I then turned to the library...

And found this book....
Which was very helpful... for me..
but not the dog!

And everything began to make sense....
So.... armed with all this new information I began to cook!!!


And you know what?
It started to click.
And I started to cook really well!!!
And surprisingly...... creative even!!!

I made Star Wars pancakes...

And bacon roses...

I even cooked a European inspired breakfast.....

Which was actually pretty easy?

I cooked a Twilight themed breakfast ...

Which I deeply regret!
In fact I would have fed that to the dog...
But even if he was still with me...
I don't think he would have eaten it!!!

But whatever.....
I moved on...

I moved on to cook a delicious video game themed breakfast!!
Man it was so addictive!

There was nothing I couldn't do!!

I even learned how to take toast....

To the next level!!!

All was right in the world.... 
My dream was realized!!!

 I was a breakfast ARTIST!

I could simply crack an egg....

And I could make anything!

In fact.... I couldn't STOP cooking I loved it so much... 

So I bought a ton of eggs....

And made a quick egg couch outta them!!!
It was perfect!!
And I hadn't even cooked them yet!!!!

But then...
Well then it happened!!!!


I cooked the PERFECT BREAKFAST!!


And I knew...
 I was time to stop...


It could never get more perfect than this...

The Jesus pancake!!!

Which I proudly call my "miracle of breakfast."


And...


 maybe??


 What others might call....

Some jackass who hasn't learned how to clean the dishes properly!

But we will tackle proper "dish-washing"  some other day...
And until then...
Blog ya'll later!

The Spring-Time Picture Post!!!

Its time for the SPRING-time post everybody!!!

Oh ya in case you are new to this blog.....

I try to welcome each season my way...  with fun pictures...
I know I know.... how pre-prison Martha Stewart of me... right?

Post prison sources say "Shes gotten really dark?"

Anyways... Personally I just enjoy showing off the best things each season has to offer...

Like remember this photo from last WINTER....

Man... didn't we learn something...

I mean who would have known..... 
that under a zamboni machine....
 isn't a good place to "hide the body".
I know I didn't!

Or then last FALL..... when we discussed FALL stuff.


Like how much fun it is for the neighborhood kids....

......to jump into big piles of your freshly raked leaves!

Or more specifically..... 
how much more fun it is for you..... 

... to dig those holes underneath!!!

Well its time for the SPRING-time post everybody!!!
So lets get started shall we!!!!

Ah SPRING......

That time of year when the weather starts to change..
And the snow starts to melt .... 

Which is great cause you can finally find things you lost....

Like your car... that you haven't seen since that night of heavy drinking.... 

Or more importantly your "friend"..
that nobody has seen either....
You know since "the argument that night you went drinking!"

HELPFUL SPRING tip- As the snow melts....
Make sure you find the body first!!!! 
And move it!!! 

Yet ... Once again...
Not to under the zamboni machine stupid!!!

Uh... moving on..
Well.... as the snow melts each year we enter into a season full of SPRING showers.... yep rain!!
And I have a couple reminders for you all....on the rain....

Cause up here in Portland we sometimes get a lot of it!

First off make sure you dress..... and I guess "scooter accordingly??"

And always bring an umbrella with you...

You know for defense!!

And then go buy yourself some proper rain clothes...
Remember they don't have to be dull and boring...
They can often be very sexy and fashionable this time of year...
 So dress the part!!

Like these two...
Who friends told the blog "have an unhealthy relationship with rain!"....

Now eventually the SPRING rains will lessen too.... and we all get a chance to go outside and enjoy some nicer weather...


Some of us will take the dog to the park.... like maybe this one...

Which owners everywhere reviewed as
"unbelievably well-behaved?!?!"

And others will get a chance to get to some yardwork...

like this guy...

Who sadly forgot his coworker was also trimming the ledge...
 but from a ladder....

Whatever...
In truth their is just so many different things SPRING has to offer.... 
For example..... I almost forgot "spring break!" happens in spring!


The perfect time to vacation!!!

And the perfect time to cut loose...
 and have fun....
and jump....
and then cry yourself to sleep after what can only be called a "winter weight gain wake-up call!"

But don't let that get you down!!
Cause its spring... and its vacation!!!

And all the "all sorts of creepy" that goes along with it!!! 

Now remember if you didn't get a chance to go on spring break...

You can always bring spring break to you....
Right lonely future killer guy?"

Man aren't you starting to see how spring is just the best season... 
It's even a season designed for people to find love...

Like maybe at this really weird spring sex race???
Where Debbie from Dallas told the blog...
"Winners finish last!"

Huh!! Makes sense!!

And its the perfect season to garden!!!!

... which I love!

Cause it almost always leads to.....

"practical jokes on passing pedestrians"

Ah.... there's just too much to love.
Well... anyways I gotta go....
I should really start my spring cleaning....

Like Marge... a spring-cleaning super-fan!!!
Who just loved to clean!
And was so extremely thorough too....
But ironically in the end....
She fell to her death..... and....
 Left "some sidewalk cleaning" for others to do!
And will sadly be missed!!

But don't worry about Marge...
Her family found a way to honor her memory...
...each and every spring!! 

So clean safely everybody... 
And enjoy your spring....
I know I will....

And blog ya'll later!!

The European Post

Alright so I just got back from Europe.....
Cleared security and customs at the airport.....
And I'm back home in Portland Oregon....


Now..... I know some of you may dislike airport security...
Maybe it can feel "a bit violating" sometimes
Maybe it can seems rude...
Often times it feels a little "cold-handed"...
And to that.... I understand!




But for me........
I like to think of airport security as an opportunity!!
Really! Cause if you think about it....
Its the last real chance we all have left to... legally.....
And acceptably....

Proudly show off your newest undies...
AND in a crowd!!!

So obviously security has never really bothered me...
Now.....  I do agree it can feel "a bit overly thorough" sometimes.
But I for one am o.k. with that!!!


Cause as we all know....
It's worth it to catch the bad guys....


Cause my sources tell the blog....
....that the bad guys are getting craftier these days!!

Like this evil-doer who recently almost got through security!!!
The Bastard!!!!

Or even this next lady..... who sources confirm was CLEARLY......

... carrying more than 3 ounces of liquid!!!!

But lets move on... 
This is not what I planned to talk about today anyways.
You see I had planned to post travel posts and "fun" pictures from my trip to Europe ...
But sadly I had iPad issues....

And couldn't.....

(Damn you iPad crushing person sitting next to me !)

Anyways I feel I still need to get you all caught up to speed.... 
So I'm back now and working on a couple European posts...


And you know what.... We saw A LOT!!!
In fact I like to think that when my brother and I travel...
 we really "soak up" all that Europe has to offer....

From all the exquisite foods we tried....

And cafes too...

To all the latest weird Euro-fashions we learned about.....

Man they are just always on the cutting edge of fashion trends...

 For example..... 

this new euro-hairstyle we saw called "The Muzzle"....

....serves as a "kind of new fangled diet" also!
That's Euro-Brilliance!!!

So we just tried to see it all..... 

We would get up early each day..... 

And take photos of nearly everything we saw.....

But in our own way....

Often..... the photos we took would take us late into the night?
We were just that thorough!!!!


For us it was about trying to see as much as you can over there...
Like all of the biggest and best monuments!

And then some of the lesser known ones....
like this one...
 which 9 out of 10 ladies reviewed as "underwhelming!"

We couldn't soak it up fast enough. 
Some might even say we "ingested Europe" ...

But by cooking breakfast versions of the monuments we saw the next morning....
Like my favorite Twinkie-Bacon Stonehenge......
Freekin delicious!!!!

I mean if you aren't learning over there.... why even go?


But whatever... For us it was also about connecting with the local people...


I for one took to giving the local people ideas on how they could take their famous monuments......

....to the next level!!!!!

Which they somehow didn't appreciate ?
huh?
Your loss I guess?

Anyways....  we would just strap on our fanny packs.... and travel!

Bonus fact- Fanny packs also great for breast support?
Who knew.... right?
Thanks euro-fashion!!!

Anyway's it's great to be home.....
Europe was really fun.... 
But towards the end of the trip I started to get the sense that it was time to go...

I was beginning to feel they just didn't fully understand my kind of patriotism?

Oh well... till next time Europe.... till next time
and for all of you....
blog ya'll later!