Friday, July 22, 2011

Deathbed Secrets

I dont know if I have ever mentioned this fact to you all before or not? But in case I haven't....... You see I am going to die........... someday! Now I dont know when... I dont know how... Im fairly certain it has to do with being eaten by bears or maybe catching something in a third world prison...or maybe the ever rare spontaneous human combustion.....but whatever.

When its your time.... its your time... Anyways... what I hope for more than anything is that before I pass on to cloud city....  I get a chance to speak with my dearest friends and my loving family members too.... you know while they sit bedside in my hospital room. Cause you know why?..... I've got some things to say to everybody. O.K. Here it is everybody. Ready for it? Today's post is ....

The Top 10 Secrets Im Gonna Reveal On My Deathbed.

10. How much I loved everybody..... no really how much... by ranking them. "Sorry Aunt Doris... I loved you 28th most.... its cause your political Christmas gifts always sucked!"

9. What really happened to the family dog when they all went away for vacation..... Heres a hint. "I swear the car was in park"

8. How much debt they are all about to inherit from my countless creditors...... Don't worry! There's enough for everyone!

7. How many illegitamite children their about to inherit.... and when they can expect little Billy Joe and little Bobby Ray to start coming around "askin fer sum moneys! !

6. The real reason the babysitter stopped wanting to babysit for us. I really miss her. Rumor has it she is doing really well now... going to cosmetics school while raising her twin sons Billy Joe and Bobby Ray also. Im so proud of her.

5. Just what happened to the family cat Fluffy when they all went away for vacation.... and why the chili I brought over for the 4th of July tasted "different".

4. The truth about "The Fire that burned down grandmas house" And what her last words really were.....

3. What to do when Paulie and Guido or Vinnie the Knife come asking about me.... and how to "settle" the situation

2. That I'm not really a doctor... but thanks for paying for seven years of tuition at that fake Hawaiian medical school I got into!!

1. and finally... whats killing me is extremely airborne, deadly and crazy infectious... cough... love ya guys... cough!

That's it. I probably should have included on this list... where I hid the bodies.....but whatever... I will save that for another post...
I gotta get back to the beach... er... Doctoring 301. 
blog ya'll later.... 


  1. I think your relatives are going to adopt the bear that eats you as a pet.

  2. @Gorilla Bananas.... haha!!! I bet they will!

  3. I love the candid photo of your kin. It's priceless. It looks like they were standing in front of Shawshank prison from which I'm assuming they were just released.

  4. How the chili tasted different... Thanks, I'm about to have dinner. Good thing it's a cat, for as I've told you, One of my cats bit off my other cat's tail. Ouch still, yes. Ever since, the biting bastard has refused to eat her food. She wants fresh tails is what she wants. So I've got no choice but to turn her into 'different tasting' chili. Thanks for the tip, Steve. We can always count on you making us not so hungry anymore...

    P.S. Ever heard of the Art of Sucking Up? You would never do that either, would you?

  5. @Bodacious Bonner... my kin were wrongly accused and falsely imprisoned. It's so good to see them out. They are little toothless angels.

    @RCB... your cat would love my cooking!And as for making you all not hungry... I always thought of this as a diet blog anyways! Cheers buddy!