Friday, August 26, 2011

Tip #2 To spice up your sex life.... Food

Alright so heres tip number 2 to spice up your sex life everybody.      Food.
MMMM food! We all love to eat. With the possible exception of supermodels and maybe Dick Cheney  ( evil robots overlords only eat souls... right?) Whatever ........ obviously depending on what you eat... food can be both an exciting and often sensual experience... I guess sometimes even terrifying (see my "The Scary Flavors of Vegan Cooking" post)... moving on.
 Now according to various pot-bellied love gurus I spoke with...... food in the bedroom might just be what you need to spice up that love life of yours. Allow me to explain.

First off.... clearly we have all seen pictures of someone feeding somebody strawberry's or grapes or maybe an entire watermelon in an erotic way. And that.... is where you food virgins wanna start..... Try it for yourself. See if it turns your loved ones on..... Im betting it will... Go ahead .....

Uh.... now obviously....  Results may vary.

But that's just the beginning of the magic... So many many people find food erotic. And really it can be any kind of food.

For me I am a big fan of sexy hot soup in the bedroom.... Which sadly.... I am not legally allowed to further comment on.....

But enough about me...... Lets dig deeper. Food isn't just for stuffing your face with... it can be stupid romantic. And it always has been. In fact Hollywood has been keyed into this forever.....
 for example lets take Disney.....

Ah Lady and the Tramp ... sharing some spaghetti...... so romantic... so much so that later that night, their kennel neighbors reported hearing noises that could only be described as...
"The work of two tramps!"

But its not just Hollywood showing how food can get romantic juices flowing. For example.... in a blog exclusive ....... 

It can also get political juices flowing too!!!
Side note- this ad paid for by the
 "People trying to improve Palins image" fund

moving on......

 Now.... apparently one of the newest super sexy (yet slightly unsanitary) food rages is....literally eating food off of naked people..

Huh? Interesting I guess.

So why not try taking that from the restaurant to your bedroom?
Dip anyone?

I'm guessing that you are all taking notes by now.... sooo???? What else is sexy about food...Oh...What about wearing some food in the bedroom that might be both filling and sexy?

Well there are bacon bras? Delicious yet hard to cook?
And sprinkles.... In a surprising coincidence its her name and her talent. Who knew?

or try coming home to your lover wearing one of these outfits

Um....The bread outfit?
Not recommended for your lover on the Atkins diet

or maybe try on some waffle pants? Might work?
Its rumored to have gotten Aunt Jamima downright freeky!

But really its all as sexy as you want it to be (my camp counselor used to tell me)...... and healthy can be sexy too.....

From fruits

To veggies

To kamasutra chocolate? Wait what? That's not healthy!

Maybe try eating all sexy in front of your lover? 
Start maybe with pasta....

and the move on to sexy (and extremely messy) burger eating?
Pam likes it!

Its all up to ..... good luck to you freeky food person. Nobody's judging. At least not at this blog. I'm actually typing this and eating ribs at the same time... And that's just downright messy! Whatever... let me leave you with one last suggestion.... break out the whip cream.
it works.... jusk ask Fred


P.S. In all my research .......I did learn of one fairly major downside to bringing food into the bedroom....... Blog ya'll later

Friday, August 19, 2011

Tip #1 to spice up your sex life- Candles

So I recently received a reader email asking for some advice on ways to spice up her sex life. Well..... Dryspelldebbie....  I did a little research on this for ya. Basically ... I dug stupid deep! Searching the darkest corners of the internet. And as it turned out, and after many DELETE HISTORY"S...  I found out so much stuff (some helpful.... but more  disturbingly not). Anyways... I now feel forced to turn my response into a multi-post expose. So with that said and a quick apology to my family.... here we go. And as always everybody remember to stretch before reading this blog. .......

Top 10 ways to spice up your sex life #1    CANDLES

Awe ambiance...... such a key to setting a romantic mood. And what better way than with candles. The flickering.... the soft lighting.... the different scents. Sure they can be a little awkward and slightly dangerous in the backseat of your moms Dodge Neon but whatever.

It's like my sunday school teacher used to say.... the proper use of a candle or two might just be what it takes to tip the scale from some ordinary evening... 
 an evening that a romance novel (or other sunday schoolers) would be blushing about.

Now........  I know what you are all thinking!!! Do I have any specific candle suggestions?
Oh you bet I do. Enjoy!

Let's start here ..... fresh cut roses! So nice. That might help set the mood huh?

and then peace? That would smell so....... like....... well......  actually I have no idea. It's probably nice though?

and then chocolate.... o.k. That really would be nice! Might make me more hungry than anything else... but nice none-the-less!

and then bacon???? Seriously!! Now I don't know what this would do to a romantic evening.... but it would certainly smell so freekin good! 

And then whiskey!!! Alright now were really getting somewhere! What guy is this not gonna work on?
Warning note.... Too much of this candle scent can have "dissapointing" results! 

And then the beer candle. Perfect to wash back that whiskey aroma with!.....
  Fun fact 9 out of 10 American airline pilots called it "intoxicating.!!!" right before they yelled "Pull up.... were heading right into the mountain!!"

so now I'm just curious.....what else is out there?

Well the white castle burger candle is. Personally I like mine with no onions and no sauce .... but you know what... every damn time I get it home guess what.... onions and sauce!!! Screw you drive thru candle store!! Screw you.....
uh.... moving on.......

just a couple more...........

What!!! What could this possibly smell like...... dirty one dollar bills and penicillin? Maybe? Is it for you you ask? Well.... does the scent of the morally loose "excite" ya? Then this ones for you!

or maybe you are a bit more "inexperienced"....
Well you haven't ever really lived until you've taken a deep whiff of the scent of a virgin! "So fresh!"

Ah....  well..... hopefully this helps everybody. Especially you dryspelldebbie.  But remember... candles are just part of the solution. Coming soon are helpful tips on costumes, bedroom food, love tazers, etc... But we are gonna save those for the next post. 

So that concludes today's tip #1 to spice up your sex life. Candles. Oh by the way..... not every candle is a home run ....... For example.

Takes a special someone for this one..... blog ya'll later.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So............ sadly the jailer hasn't let me out for work release this week. Which means I am behind on a new post. So I've decided to repost one. I thought it might be interesting to find out which post was the most popular post I've ever done. The one that people have Google searched clearly the most... so...which one is it you ask?
Is it..........

The Best Christmas gifts post?
The Cuddling Post?
The Unicorns Post?
The Heavy Petting Post (actually might do this one!)

Nope.......... My most popular post of all times is below..... and all I can really say is this!

Seriously America!!! First Dancing with the Stars and now this!!
Pull it together!! My most popular post ever is...........


 So with a heavy heart..... here's that post....

Well I realized recently I haven't done enough posts for the ladies. Sorry ladies. So I thought and I thought and...... then it hit me..... I could do a list of the worst douchebags I could find on the internet. Kind of a visual warning list of guys to avoid.... So I did. Basically thats it. Theres no other classy way to preface this..... Its just a funny picture list of  cheesy douchy guys......... Enjoy...... 

SIDE NOTE..... Ladies if this look works for you..... you need to set down your daddy issues, take down your big hair, step out of the spray tan booth and take a long look in the mirror. Cause these guys suck..... big time.... You should only want to take a cold shower after meeting them!!!  Not drop your panties..... that's all I'm sayin.    Anyways..... Here we go....... cue the douchebags!

First off..... We have the classic douchebag. 
But look at the intensity!

And then the gothic douchebag. Wearing fishnet? Very nice. 
Bonus fact about him... My sources say he is the fastest fry cook at the east side Wendy's. Fry's are delicious!

And this guy. Taking facial hair to a douchebag level...  
You should see what he's got going on down below!! 
And then this guy..... all dumb looking, and douchy, he makes me wanna shave his stupid head and then tie him up and throw him in my trunk and take him to that shallow grave I just dug...... 
whoa!.... sorry! My shrink (who edits this) says I got a little carried away! My apologies. He's just another douchebag. 

Moving on............
and just in case you forgot.... actual douche.

This guy. Check it out close..... The real life Batman douchebag

Man is this entertaining.... and sad...... and weird? Whatever....what about movie and celebrity douchebags you ask? Good question... lets see.....

The Roxbury guys were clearly d-bags.....but funny!

 Ben Stiller in Dodgeball was a douchebag.  Funny movie. Classic quote from the movie.."If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball" Though I wish they had stuck with the original script. "If you can dodge a grenade you can dodge a ball" Though it made for a shorter movie!

Back to the douchebags. Biff!! Was a classic douche.

Bill Paxon in True Lies..... sleazy douche.

Glenn Gulia from The Wedding Singer was classic 80's Miami Vice style douchebag!

                         all right.... just a few more....

This guy is clearly a douchebag.  My bet....  he has a tramp stamp.

And are their lady douchebags you ask? Yup! Kinda hot.... 
 in a going out before her shift at the "club" starts kind of way... 

Professional athlete douchebags

Cartoon douchebags. 
But who doesn't love Family Guy? 

And then the douchebag-mobile! 

                              and sadly but finally.... 

This guy. I mean who does this for a picture....... douchebags do.

That's it..... back to work on The top 10 ways to spice up your sex life post. Coming soon. Blog ya'll later.