Friday, August 19, 2011

Tip #1 to spice up your sex life- Candles

So I recently received a reader email asking for some advice on ways to spice up her sex life. Well..... Dryspelldebbie....  I did a little research on this for ya. Basically ... I dug stupid deep! Searching the darkest corners of the internet. And as it turned out, and after many DELETE HISTORY"S...  I found out so much stuff (some helpful.... but more  disturbingly not). Anyways... I now feel forced to turn my response into a multi-post expose. So with that said and a quick apology to my family.... here we go. And as always everybody remember to stretch before reading this blog. .......

Top 10 ways to spice up your sex life #1    CANDLES

Awe ambiance...... such a key to setting a romantic mood. And what better way than with candles. The flickering.... the soft lighting.... the different scents. Sure they can be a little awkward and slightly dangerous in the backseat of your moms Dodge Neon but whatever.

It's like my sunday school teacher used to say.... the proper use of a candle or two might just be what it takes to tip the scale from some ordinary evening... 
 an evening that a romance novel (or other sunday schoolers) would be blushing about.

Now........  I know what you are all thinking!!! Do I have any specific candle suggestions?
Oh you bet I do. Enjoy!

Let's start here ..... fresh cut roses! So nice. That might help set the mood huh?

and then peace? That would smell so....... like....... well......  actually I have no idea. It's probably nice though?

and then chocolate.... o.k. That really would be nice! Might make me more hungry than anything else... but nice none-the-less!

and then bacon???? Seriously!! Now I don't know what this would do to a romantic evening.... but it would certainly smell so freekin good! 

And then whiskey!!! Alright now were really getting somewhere! What guy is this not gonna work on?
Warning note.... Too much of this candle scent can have "dissapointing" results! 

And then the beer candle. Perfect to wash back that whiskey aroma with!.....
  Fun fact 9 out of 10 American airline pilots called it "intoxicating.!!!" right before they yelled "Pull up.... were heading right into the mountain!!"

so now I'm just curious.....what else is out there?

Well the white castle burger candle is. Personally I like mine with no onions and no sauce .... but you know what... every damn time I get it home guess what.... onions and sauce!!! Screw you drive thru candle store!! Screw you.....
uh.... moving on.......

just a couple more...........

What!!! What could this possibly smell like...... dirty one dollar bills and penicillin? Maybe? Is it for you you ask? Well.... does the scent of the morally loose "excite" ya? Then this ones for you!

or maybe you are a bit more "inexperienced"....
Well you haven't ever really lived until you've taken a deep whiff of the scent of a virgin! "So fresh!"

Ah....  well..... hopefully this helps everybody. Especially you dryspelldebbie.  But remember... candles are just part of the solution. Coming soon are helpful tips on costumes, bedroom food, love tazers, etc... But we are gonna save those for the next post. 

So that concludes today's tip #1 to spice up your sex life. Candles. Oh by the way..... not every candle is a home run ....... For example.

Takes a special someone for this one..... blog ya'll later.


  1. Mmmmm sweaty man ass...that just *urp* sounds ho*urp*t...*yak*

    Those are some great candles, but I think I'd just stick with the smell of roses. Or chocolate.

  2. Those candles look rather large in girth to me - were you thinking of spicing up an elephant's sex life?

  3. these tips are great. Thank you.

    ...Does it seem pathetic if I write down "buy candles!!" in my "Things to do before I have sex" list?

  4. I'm afraid the Hershey's candle would get me so distracted I might slip off the path to Pleasureville. Then all his hard work up to that point would be for naught. So no chocolate candles for me.

  5. A really very interesting read! I hope you keep updating us with more info!

  6. Great, a candle that smells like White Castle burgers. Does the candle give you gut-wrenching diarrhea too?

  7. D-A-M-M-N Stevie! You've done it again! Sweaty man-what? Sweaty man-ass? Shit! There goes my appetite if you know what I mean.... and I'm sure it's not just me.

  8. Extra Virgin-Sweaty Man Ass and right next to each other... well played.

  9. @the accidental somebody.... I *urp*... *yak*.... *raaaaaaaaaalph*.. couldn't agree more!

    @gorilla bananas..... I didn't mean to literally USE the candles to spice up your sex life! But whatever works for you I guess?

    @lemons dont make lemonade..... glad to help with the list. I hope todays topic *food* makes the list also.....

    @Bodacious boomer.... fair enough. Its true...chocolate could be distracting... but you know what they say. "Once you go dark chocolate you never go back!"

    @Jason... thanks for the read.... I plan to horribly shock... er... continue informing you all for many posts to come...

    @ a beer for the shower... haha... I am positive the white castle burger candle leaves a "lasting" impression!!

    @RCB.... always glad to help. Losing your appetite happens frequently here on this blog. I have considered renaming this site "The nausea of a madman"

    @ angie... thanks. I looked hard to find the polygamists candle... you know to add to that line of thinking...but sadly came up empty. But glad you enjoyed!