Resolution 7 of 10....to date a celebrity....

Resolution 7 of 10.....to date a celebrity.  I have thought about this long and hard and I believe this is totally attainable....I have compiled a list of ways to get a celebrity interested in coming home with you ....Now obviously not everyone can find romantic sparks at the African baby pickup window.....you may have to step your game up...... past your usual date night of Fudruckers and pinball...........all right...... . you ready.....cause in no time flat you could be eating caviar and yellin at the "normal people"...... Here's how you get em home.....


First you meet them. 


Look for them at red carpet events or boat christenings or... I have success at....... those weird rooms of like 100 mirrors at carnivals...I find them in bunches there....posing and whatever........ Anyways walk up to them and then invite them out. Here's how.......


1 promise them you have a full medicine cabinet


2.tell them you installed a Botox fountain- they will be so excited..... just not facially.


3. If they are scientologists you could ...you know...... never mind....just tell them to leave...they're weird


4. Tell them you run a support group for people who have unfortunately been photoed panty-less getting out of the car


5.Promise them you have this amazing script thats perfect for them.....and yes the nudity is important to the plot line


6.Tell a musician celeb you think they should act/ and an actor you think they should sing.....they will definitely be into  that.....this one is hard to say with sincerity ....cause we all know thats about the last thing the world needs


7. Tell em your a Scorsese


8. ask them to join you in trashing a hotel room....bonus points for hitting the pool with the TV


9. or my favorite introduce yourself as an Oscar voter....and "the job you did in that third Weekend at Bernie film was mesmerizing!!"


NOW the rest is up to you. When your out on your date.....couple hints.........punch someone with a camera and tell your date "Don't you hate the paparazzi"....... even though its not them...Sorry soccer mom!!!!....... Also speak about yourself in the third person "sheeeesh....Steve is so over it. The computer is so yesterday".....or....uh....borrow someones lapdog and at the restaurant make a scene about how they so overcooked Fluffy's steak. The bastards!!!!..... Basically be ridiculous and maybe just maybe.....if all goes well.....and love takes you over.....you may have yourself a little baby "Apple" or "River" or "Rain" or what you should really name your baby.......cute little baby "Paycheck"....