Monday, June 27, 2011

Top 10 Worst Things To Hear After Surgery

So someone close to me had some elective surgery lately and yes...all went well. Thanks for asking.  Obviously going under the knife can be a trying and stressful time... most drinking surgeons will tell you.... 

Hows it going to look? How long is the recovery time? How are they gonna settle? All perfectly good questions! But it's like every drug lord getting a new face will tell you, the success of every surgery, is in the end result. It doesn't matter if you got your work done in the back of a van in some third world country as long as it turns out the way you had hoped...... 

As for me..... I personally haven't had any work done .....since the calf implants... and yes they are still looking cyclist good! Thanks for asking.

Anyways all this surgery talk has gotten me curious people. When you finally wake up post-surgery... in the recovery room... in that most vulnerable of states.What would you least like the first words you hear to be?  Ready for it... here it is.

The top 10 worst things to hear when you wake up from a surgery!

10. Almost any form of screaming..... for example "Oh dear god!!! She's hideous!"

9. or.... hearing the doctor ask.... "Where did the scissors go?".... equally bad with any number of potentially missing surgical gear.

8. or you wake up... and your nice "quiet" neighbor now has you strapped to his basement table and he's saying..... "Don't worry the neighborhood watch will never find you.... I warned you to take down your damn Christmas Lights!!"

7. or... that same crazy doctor saying....."Congratulations you are now the middle of the human centipede. (sorry bout this one... kinda?)

6. or if wake up to hear "Your sex change was a success!"...... but you only went in for light dental work?

Alright! Half way there... are we learning anything? ... what other things do we not want to hear? For me.... definitely this next one!

5. "Was it good for you".... and the doctors smoking a cigarette.... Did I fail to mention you aren't  wearing your hospital gown anymore?!

 4. or... and this ones for the soccer moms out there. "I'm sorry but your husband slipped me a 20 to do your boobs too!"

Side note this lady actually holds some boob record. My guess Most Regrettable!

3. "Clear!" .... this one is more of an out of body experience.... my born again Christian friends tell me. 

2. or... "Thank you for becoming an organ donor". 
This is my nightmare! 

Bonus fact - Green eyes net you the most cash these days... according to 

1. and lastly "It didn't go so well. Everybody get in here and check this dude's tapeworm out!"

There it is everybody... I hope none of you hear any of these any time soon.... May all your surgeries be huge successes..... and all your scars heal fast..... and... remember its not always just what you hear after surgery. Sometimes it's what you first see too! Here's to hoping you never see this. Blog ya'll later. 


  1. The organ donor is my fear, that's why I refuse to sign up.

  2. I've always felt worse after surgery because I was fine when I went in. Once for a hernia which didn't hurt all that much. And once for an anal fistula which the doctor said was, "A problem." No, the problem is a huge, draining gash in your anus that they can't stitch. Not making that up.

  3. @ Blaq Mind... my brother is terrified of someone getting his eyes after death...dont know why? They're crosseyed but whatever... thats why apparently you can specify which organs you can donate.. who knew?
    @ Fred Miller... I was positive you were making up anal fistula.... so I looked it up and.... my condolences. I hope you feel better!! Seriously!!

  4. Well, my greatest fear is to not hear a damn thing after surgery...

  5. Honestly , thtz what happened to me in Australia, the lab tech took my blds at Ingle Farm Medical Centre and neva sent it....she tuk it 3 times and it's lost now ...MAYB THEY SELLING IT