Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Fear Number 1 Bears!

So we have talked about all sorts of things on here.... from the Worst Douchbags I Could Find on The Internet to The Top 10 Amish Pick-Up Lines to The Where I Hid The Bodies Post. (and for the last time officers ..."I freekin MADE that up!")

Anyways... after all these posts Something hit me ..... I have never talked about what scares me. And other than my fear of suffocating via spandex... and my fear of ending up on an FBI watch list for inappropriate Google searches ... I have 3 main fears. So... for my next 3 posts... we are going to learn all about them. Lets get started.

 Fear #1  Bears

I personally fear them.... Its true. Despite what you all may think... they are actually evil creatures! In fact I have it on good authority... they were behind the Casey Anthony not guilty verdict! The bastards! But whats to be afraid of you ask? They are so cute right! Try bloodthirsty cute!!!...

And they are hunting us! 

Chasing us!

Grabbing us!
And then grinding us.... that's so inappropriate!

So I fear them. I really do. And I just know one day, when I'm out in the great outdoors hunting yeti or maybe vegans, I am gonna come face to smirking bear face with one.... and oh ya we'll fight... and it probably wont be fair. I'm not as well trained. And yet once again... Damn you Chinese Fight Club!

 So for me.... I feel justified to fear them. With all of their studying of humans....we will really never stand a chance! Cause they havean advantage. They have been learning  and here on my blog I actually have some of the proof!

You see... they are been learning our ways....  for a while now.

And they have been tracking our movements. Scouting the easiest way to get to their delicious aged white meat! It's their favorite!

Sometimes even using subliminal messages... so we feel they are harmless and begin to trust them!
Meanwhile breeding dogs to look like them... or as they like to call them... "Mans Best Decoy"

Oh ya... I forgot to tell ya. They are even well financed now!. Having "fixed" horse racing!
and you know what...its all working!! People are buying into it... completely!  I constantly hear people saying.. 

"Aren't they adorable?"

or... "I wish I could take one home as a cuddly little pet"

or..."Bear tastes delicious!" Damn you Arkansas this is serious!

Whatever.... people have completely lost any and all sense of fear of these furry demons!

Now we're all swimming with them

 And even try to look like them! Damn you bears!!!

And then some...mostly cat ladies...  idolize them with ridiculous giant stuffed versions. Whatever!! Side note Steve... add this to the Where I Hid The Bodies Post... it would fit multiples!

Well you are not fooling me anymore. I'm on to you!!

And before you fool anyone else

and you eat their socially ADD or morally autistic children

I want everyone to see these pictures and know how little you can be trusted!
and that is why you are one of my three main fears... and now hopefully yours too!
 This just in...  sources report bears are  "testing the bridges!"

So thats it everyone . My fear number 1= Bears. I gotta go... Im a bit worked up... but heres a preview of Fear #2. Blog ya'll later

Sleep tight everybody!


  1. You're right to be scared of those fuckers. One of them once tried to hump me when I was foraging in the Rodna foothills. It's a good thing I had my nutcrackers on me.

  2. I love bears. They're cuddly.

    Admittedly, I'm sort of living in the "care-bear" world, so...

    I guess you have a point. :D

  3. Great. Now I want to be in an exhibition fight wearing a bear suit. I have a match a week from Saturday. If I could talk one of my opponents into wearing one, we could YouTube it and maybe get some traffic.

  4. Shit Steve! First you're showing me the world's ugliest momma on July 4 and now this picture of an otherwise cute woman with .. er ... beary legs! How do I ever get rid of that image? Thanks again!

  5. ya pretty much if i wasnt scare before i am now hahaha

  6. They are cute but wouldnt want to be too close to one. Who knows what is in his head?

  7. P.S. You've inspired me:

    (But don't tell anyone, okay?)

  8. @ Paige... I ... uh... love you more?
    @ Gorilla Bananas.. If you really nutcrackered a bear. You rule!
    @Lemons Dont Make Lemonade... its o.k. to love bears but sleep with one eye open
    @ Fred Miller. You versus a bear! That would be classic. Careful though I hear they claw below the belt!
    @Peter Varvel.. ACK Back!
    @RCB... sorry tomorrow I combine the two photos via photoshop. You are welcome ahead of time!
    @The Onion Gypsy... Its gonna be o.k. At least thats what my therapist tells me!
    @BojanCo... What is in a bears head? Sounds like a possible post! Thanks!
    @RCB... checking out your site now.

  9. Thanks, Steve.
    +follow (now officially)