Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Water Park

Ah.. I'm boarding the plane. My southern California vacation has come to an end. And my ankle bracelet is beeping like crazy. So I guess its time to hurry back to Portland. Now... as this trip comes halting to a finish I'm left to reflect...
You see I am coming home after spending some time with family. And that was great! So good to see you all!!! I do however wish grandma was in a better mood... but whatever. I arrive back in the northwest with a healthy sunburn,  some fond food memories of tacos and In-N-Out burgers, burritos and even mas grande tacos y burritos.... all washed down with a little beer, tequila, bourbon and ofcouse some white wine & Zima spritzers.... Delicious! But more importantly than all of that............... I come home with a whole new take on water parks! Cause I went. And that is what we are really going to talk about today everybody. Ready? Here we go.

So....... Waterparks are fun!!! Huge water slides with stupid fun wave pools and all the laughing and the smiling and all the happiness and all the adorable families making all the great fuzzy precious memories ...... And........ And........ And..... And.....

 All the crying! 

"Mr Deep End took my photo" little Johnnie cried.....
 (more on that later)

and the freekin people..... everywhere! 

And don't forget all the extremely inappropriate bathing suits you will see.

Like this guy..... or....

This lady? ......
Who park officials now point to as the cause behind the now infamous Lazy River Human Dam of 2008!

and then there's all the awful tattoos that start appearing everywhere
Like this one.... really lady??? Handlebars? Come on! 
Rumor has it she wasn't even a bicycle enthusiast!

And then something I noticed when I was there. There were all sorts of teenagers being all sorts of inappropriate... 
and this guy was all sorts of happy about it!

Now speaking of people watching people in the pool. Seriously....... Avoid this guy kids!
Possible captions
1. Stranger Danger
2. They called him "Mr. Deep End"
3. Pixar presents... Finding Nathan...
4. Extreme To Catch a Predator *Underwater Edition*
definitely moving on......
uh....... sometimes its not just the people that make the waterpark scary and uncomfortable. It's whats IN the water?

For example!!.....  the horror!!!!!

or sometimes its simply the actual danger of certain slides? 

Like this one. That's gonna hurt.
Or this... and this is gonna surely end poorly!

and then this.... is gonna..... well...... just be slightly 
uncomfortable I guess?

which is apparently the new "it thing" in sliding?
Uncomfortable slides rule!

Extra bonus picture everybody ...... This couple loved water slides so much they got married on one. Weird and kinda dumb but apparently all the guests enjoyed it.
Except for grandma

but whatever..... Just allow me to leave you all with the worst picture of a waterslide I could find on the internet.

The one that collapses while your sliding down it. 

Anyways if this ever does happen to you.... may I suggest you go fix what ails you by asking any park manager to let you into the "Adults Only Section Slides". Rumor has it that they are the best!
I know I enjoyed it. Cheers everybody and blog ya'll later!


  1. I wanna get married at a water park! That would ROCK! Kick all the damn kids out for the day. :)

  2. Grandma looks more than a match for her namesake in the Beverley Hillbillies. I'd like to see her deal with the man in the green bathing thong.

  3. The adults in the last photo looked like they were sitting in a giant pool of Sangria. I wonder if there wedges of citrus in there as wel.

  4. Don't forget all the floating bandaids.

    I shudder just thinking about it.

    And I definitely LOL'd at "Pixar presents... Finding Nathan..."

  5. Damn, Steve! The guy in the yellowish greenish bathing-something (and we don't want to know what he's bathing!) made me lose my appetite. As for the lady in pink - she jumps in the pool, three things happen: 1. bye bye pool 2. by bye innocent swimmers in the pool 3. she will stay afloat... O by the way, what's with that blue thing you're wearing yourself (right next to pharaoh-you)? Damn, bud! You're a braver man than I am.

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  7. Nice one Steve you never failed to make me smile... I really hate that Mankini... lol..

  8. I haven't paid money to swim in a public urinal in a while, but when I dod go to water parks in college, we always made a game out of who could sneak in the most beer.

  9. Oh Steve... those hurt me and I'm just looking!

  10. haha --- how about the borat impersonator?

  11. @Tricia.... water park weddings rule!!!! You could toss the bouquet into the wave pool for the ladies to drown each other... er... catch.

    @Gorilla Bananas.... Granny does look like the Beverly Hillbilly granny and as for her and the green man thong guy... she would love him cause shes a man predator!

    @Bodacious Boomer... I would be down with the Sangria hot tub... Delicious! That or maybe for me I would be down to take a dip in the Manhattan or Sazerac lap pool.

    @Miss Sassy Pants... THE HORROR!!!! Bandaids everywhere. I never thought of that. You win for officially grossing me out.... jerk!

    @RCB... I agree with ya on what happens when she jumps in for sure "CANNONBALL"... as for my picture in that thong up top... I have no control of those. My brother puts up whatever he wants when he wants... the ass! But I must say the guy whose picture he put my head on.... Im guessing he's single and available ladies!!!

    @Jade... thanks for stopping bye and commenting. You are one of us now... (evil laughter)

    @A Beer For The Shower... Fair enough. You know had I had some beer my post would have had a totally different vibe to it... The top places to pass out at a water park post, or the how many beers can you chug before you get to the bottom of the slide post, or the what I did when I blacked out in the lazy river post... Next time!!!

    @Angie... Thanks for reading and I agree.... but please don't actually hurt yourself reading my blog. Im not insured!

    @j. littlejohn... that is a Borat impersonator huh? Well.... in truth Sacha Baron Coehen wasnt the first to rock it. You know who wore that first... John Goodman did..... but to be fair it was way less successful!!

  12. Handlebars! Handlebars! I was just reading a blog about improving chances of conception. They never said a word about handlebars! That would have been a big help.