Friday, September 30, 2011

The Flasher Post

So............ here we go. The flasher post! Allow me first to preface this by saying I was recently flashed. It's true. I work downtown Portland..... and bam!! it happened. Right on the corner of 14th and Burnside this lady flashed me.... her whole naked business..... "Well at least it was a lady" you're saying.... right?  


Regrettably...  not so much. You see she was a tad bit older and had the creepiest smile on her face. Come to think of it.....  she was surprisingly limber though? .... Whatever..... The only plus of this whole experience was it gave me the idea to kinda celebrate the flasher in all of us with this post. .... so enjoy???


Now.... you will learn (if you talk to a flasher purist like I did) that flashing, as well as an excellent way to cool off, is really about pure human expression. And these "surprise-nakedness aficionado's" will then go on to tell you that "Exposing yourself is how mother nature would have wanted us to live"...  and that "the flash" is the best way of getting back in touch with that same nature.


In fact, apparently, nature itself.....  "Desires to be flashed!"


As I spoke with them they explained, all be it a bit too visually,  that flashing is the ultimate sign of ....respect!! And then..... they respected the hell out of me.... over.... and over......and over


They really believe this stuff I found out... In fact then they shared their most cherished motto with me...


"To flash is to expose the purest part of yourself to someone or something. Its like revealing your inner soul to them.... and I guess your testicles too." quote from Richard Wad (flashing guru)


Huh??? Finally they wrapped up our meeting by reminding me of their two most sacred rules....  


1.) You should only flash what you truly love...



and 
2.) You should run like hell when you see flashing lights!






  .... It was at this point I kinda began to understand.



So.... maybe people should flash ....like their T.V.? 



Or maybe fast food.  Seems pretty American?
Or say... Professional Dirt-Biking ... (redneck specific)..... Then afterward go on... go flash that can of chewin tabacca? It's o.k.!


Or oh ya..... the holidays? I mean who doesn't love those?


Or maybe train-dodging.....
Like we've all been doing that these days...Right?
 Why not show that conductor and all those passengers just how much you loved it... but with your exposed ta-ta's?


Or maybe for you its just all women in general. 
Well ladies....  Now you can almost feel... er... see this love? 


This is starting to make all sorts of sense!


And speaking about the ladies..... I like to think you've still got a little love left for those ex boyfriends of yours.... 
So go out and show em... 


All of em... uh... 
Girl who somehow "loved" the majority of the west side?


Hopefully its becoming clear to you now?  I mean if you think about it people have been flashing their favorite bands for years now..... and everybody knows all "crazy girls"  really really love them a tortured musician.. So it's gotta be true!!! 


But where can flashing go to from here... in today's evolving world?


Well..... people have moved on to flashing technology I found out.. 
I mean who doesn't love google maps!!!!
Or your smart phone?
Everyone (bosses excluded) loves those!!


And then.............. Then....... if I had any doubts left....
  I found this......

Come on.... if the golden girls are doing it.... It can't be wrong... right?
(side note- this will most likely be my only golden girls reference on this blog.... so enjoy it... uh...  golden girls fans that somehow also read my blog?)


Flashing is officially good!!!!! 


Now...  as with all good things, sometimes people can get "carried away".... and before anyone goes out and gets a personalized license plate that encourages all drivers, bicyclists, pedestrians, woman of the night, joggers, and maybe Amish barn raisers to "show you their love" it's good to remember that flashing can become a problem....a "love obsession" as one felon told me. But not to worry... cause help is available out there.




Just please.....
 Don't "show how much you loved getting that help"!!! 


Well everyone.... I really hope this post helped to change your impression of the flash. Personally I loved all this new information.... a lot!!!!.....  Thanks for reading..... I gotta go... 


.... show em all just how much !!!!!
blog ya'll later

31 comments:

  1. Brb, i will flash my dong in the park. Ohh wait, i don't want to get beaten up.
    I don't mind girls flashing their tits though. I once took a photo to a hobo flashing his wang to me and my GF, they guy was SOOO happy he even smiled and posed for it hahahah

    ReplyDelete
  2. This reminds me of a joke:
    Two old men are walking through a park when one says to the other, "Remember in the 70s when the young people would take off their clothes and run around naked? They called it streaking."
    The other old man said, "Yeah, I remember."
    "Let's do it."
    So they did.
    A few minutes later they ran past a park bench where two old ladies were sitting. After the old geezers had run past them one old woman said, "What the hell was that?"
    The other old woman said, "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. I suppose it's a cry for attention. The best way of showing appreciation might be to daub the exposed items with brightly coloured dyes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. hahaha they actually have a self help group for flashers, oh that is sad..hahaha

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  5. Hooray! Flashing is officially good! Now I won't feel so bad when I see Santa's candy cane.
    Off to Mardi Gras, home of the flash for cash...well flash for brightly colored beads.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If the Golden Girls are wrong, I don't want to be right!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Steve, that dog looks like it's gonna need some 'shrinkage' real soon. Reminds me of that scene in Jurassic Park: 'Go fetch that stick, stupid!'
    You take good care now, buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There is absolutely nothing wrong with flashing as long as no one gets hurt... nothing at all. Right?

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  9. The first time I got flashed was Halloween, 1976 San Fransisco. A guy in front of me was in a trenchcoat and no shoes. When he turned around and opened his coat there was a HUGE nose on his crotch. Then when I looked up there was the largest male novelty I'd ever seen where his nose shoulda been. It was memorable to be sure.

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  10. I'm not going to brag, but I don't think I could carry around a big enough hose reel under my overcoat without looking suspicious.

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  11. I was once flashed outside of a strip club in Chicago, by a woman between 95 and 130. I wasn't even going into the strip bar, I was just standing there and suddenly there is a hand gripping a tit being shoved in my face.

    So wait. HOW did you get to talk to all of these people? I thought just one person flashed you, and then you get to be in the club?

    That is awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  12. @Hasidic Plumber....haha... Sounds like a keeper of a photo! Im sure it was tastefully photo'd right?

    @Stephen Hayes... I hadn't heard that before... but surprisingly ironing the skin does work.. Thanks for the tip..

    @Gorilla Bananas.... absolutely.... or maybe just tattoo some pants on you?

    @Pat Hatt... I know right.... see ya there buddy!

    @Pickelope.... haha.... Santas candy cane.... I totally forgot about Mardi Gras.. the home of flashing!

    @Dan.... Those skanky ladies always get it right!

    @RCB.... poor dog never saw that coming

    @Angie.... 100% agree with ya girl. Go right ahead!!

    @Bodaciousboomer...haha... That would leave an impression...Ah halloween in Frisco...where absolutely anything goes....

    @A beer for the shower... I know how you feel guys....ahem.... I know how you feel...

    @wagthedad.... I got an honorary flasher club membership.... you know they just throw the best costume parties!

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