Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Planking Post

Roll out the red carpet.... It's time to celebrate the newest rage out there ....... "Planking". 
It's the art of laying face down .... preferably somewhere weird... and then remaining still....  long enough for some drunk buddy to take a photo of you and then post it on the internet. 

Why does this exist you ask? Well...  I can only assume we have officially reached the end of world creativity. So why not?

Now a lot of people are unaware where this new trend came from. So I thought we should dig in and examine just that.....  shall we? 
First off..... According to inside sources  .... "Planking" originated deep within the creepy backyards of several third world dictators.... It was born as a source of great joy between Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, probably Gadhafi, and maybe that ass from Zimbabwe.... among others. 

These same "Dark-room (for photo developing & torture) Enthusiasts"  would then spend countless hours emailing planking photos back and forth to each other. 

Often taken from their very own "Planking Amusement Parks... er...  mass-grave fields! 

Not a pretty beginning I know.....  but often times that's just the case with things..... don't even get me started on the true origin of tether-ball!!!

I see there's still a few tether-ball purists out there!

Whatever....... according to others that I spoke with.... "planking" found its way into our lives much more recently.... These people claimed it was originally born as a kind of "in the moment review" of someones love making prowess.....

And yet others contest that it was none of the above at all. In fact it was really created as a show of support for some fellow border-crossers out there? Huh? I guess that kinda makes sense??

And then one guy I spoke with told a tale of a failed pantie raid that was interrupted "mid-sniff"..... when the girl came home early. And that poor raider was forced to "plank" underneath her bed, motionless, all night...  Til the next morning ....when he could finally sneak out.  The guys name.... Fernando Planker!!!

But none of this convinced me....  till I found this one photo..... it dates planking way back before any of this..... a few thousand years even .... and it does so fairly convincingly. 

You see the Egyptians planked? Who knew? 

So it looks like we might not ever really know what started it.... and whatever the true reason is...  it doesn't really matter. "Planking" is sadly here to stay...... and with all that ridiculous joke setup....... here you go... Some of the worst planking photos I could find on the internet..... enjoy??? 

Lets start here. With a normal.... safe.... supervised... at home plank....

Followed by some danger planking
And then the deeply regrettable..."I can see your package" planking!
Then lets go back to a classic... the airline carry-on plank. 
And the grocery store plank.... 

And then we have the.... oh dear god!!!  My personal nightmare....
 the "Richard Simmons is planking on me"... plank!
The horror!

Really theres thousands of these things. If you can think of it... someones done it. How else can you explain these next few?
The fast food plank
The sewer plank
The gonna get some part of me caught in the crack at the top of the escalator that sucks the stairs back down plank! 

The Ronald McDonald's crotch plank? 

 or.. the strongest coffee table ever made... plank!.

 the camel plank

The toilet plank? I bet she quickly regretted putting her husband in charge of cleaning the bathroom that week ... 

And then "group planking"..... though sources tell me this is actually just a picture of a girl stung by a jellyfish (the bottom girl)... and how her friends rallied to "help her with the pain".

There's T.V. planks

And stripper planks? 
Though sources described the show as "Disappointing and really really boring!"

Washing machine planks
Chairlift planks

And finally... finally....when you just want to plank but aren't a creative person.... "The sidewalk plank"..... 
Just remember not to choose a sidewalk all that close 
to the dog park!

So that's it..... that's planking. In fact it was recently voted "Best Activity 2011" by The National Committee for Stupid Lazy People. So good luck to you all.... and no matter what plank you next do.... remember to avoid this one!!!

Cause it often leads to this........

Death planking!
blog ya'll later


  1. I hope "planking" can be classified as a sport, since I'm not good at any of the more traditional ones. I might actually be good at planking.

  2. Some men like that position in a woman.

  3. Once again you managed to get me through a wide array of emotions while watching those photos hahahaha from laughter to surpise to well...utterly disgust seeing the overweight naked man planking.
    I believe your theory about panty sniffing is valid but this could also be born to avoid getting caught by an unexpected husband that came home early. Who knows.
    The only certain thing here, is that richard simmons enjoys planking people ...A LOT.

  4. Why is there so much beastiality going on in that Egyptian hieroglyph? Wait, is planking linked to beastiality!?! And good luck to the stripper who just gave herself planking-herpes.

  5. Are they meditating when they're stretched out like that? It looks like some kind of yoga. I think there should be a prize for the stiffest plank.

  6. The "Richard Simmons is planking on me"... plank? Shit, Steve! But erm... ever heard of dog planking? http://www.ehmplankje.com/home

  7. The Egyptians - the root cause of many fads - planking, pyramid hats, and bad 80's eyeliner.

  8. I also love how your post about planking causes AdSense to display ads for laminate flooring. Classic.

  9. The amount of effort involved involved in putting this together should win you some kind of devoted blogger award.

    And I'm jealous that AdSense works for you. They canned me owing to my "Adult Content" and "Adult Language."

  10. that anyone would willing lay down in most of these places tell me they deserve the gonaherpasyphaloids they may receive from the many different surfaces. Gerald F McKracken.

    The stripper is killin me.

  11. I am very much impressed. This took some work. I feel more informed than ever. I'm dead serious!

  12. Hmm, and all this time I thought pirates invented planking.

  13. @Stephen Hayes... Planking as a sport? Well i guess as long as bowling and darts are considered sports then I say yes.

    @Angie.... true... some men are into that... though thats normally proceeded by the letters "necro"

    @Natural one... thank you

    @Hacidic Plumber... glad to take you on an emotional voyage... and as for Richard Simmons... He is currently in planking rehab my sources tell me.

    @Pickelope... haha They do say the Egyptians LOVED their camels.... as for the stripper my sources tell me she already had them.

    @Gorilla Bananas... maybe it is meditational? As for the stiffest plank prize.... well....insert a viagra planking-strength joke here.

    @RCB.... I checked out that link.... damn if I had found that first it would have certainly been in this post. Nice one!

    @Dlae... haha bad ladies eye liner totally!! As for the adsense... I love it... I once did a post on tombstones and my blog was covered with death related deals on coffins and tombstone engravings... classic!

    @wagthedad...thanks but a lot of the work was my brother Patrick who does my "creative pictures" when needed.... as for the adsense I am slightly surprised it works for me as well..

    @sars!...gonaherpasyphaloids!!!! Wow! Penicilin Plus aint killen that. Nice!!!

    @Fred Miller.... thanks Fred. Much appreciated.

    @Static.... arr....they invented peg leggin though... however dont look that up under certain "questionable websites" either! Not at all pirate-y!