Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Rich People Defense

So our financial institutions have been under alot of scrutiny lately.... from the bank bailouts to the recent Occupy Wallstreet campaign. People are upset! And people are blaming the rich for being a big part of the problem ..... however for me....  I felt like nobody has heard from those upper 1% of Americans... 

Whats their side of the story? Everybody is quick to criticize the bankers or the creative pyramid scheme builders or the "evil CEO's"....  but maybe they are struggling with the economy too.... So.... and luckily for my readers.... it just so happens that I'm actually a member of that upper 1% of America.... Yep its true Im freekin filthy rich...... 

You see I made a fortune in "baby seal burgers"  Huge in Iran thank you very much .... Anyways...  I decided is was time to tell our story.... of the many sacrifices we "crazy rich people" have made .... and its time for them to be shared with you..... the worthless little people... enjoy....

Now I cant speak for everybody.... but for me.....   this economy has been really hard. Sadly it has forced me to make some big changes at home.... So much so, that I recently had to downgrade the size of my house.

Oh whoops.... not MY house (I'm expanding that).... what I meant to say was..... My dog Fifi's house....... poor little guy's roughing it  these days......

As for my house...  I put in another jet hanger.... I think it makes it feel just a bit cozier... don't you think?

Back to the suffering. You see that's just the tip of MY iceberg (ya I bought one just so I could say that... so worth it)........ These days things are really bad.  Recently my off-shore bank account dipped under a billion for the first time... "I'm living my nightmare" I screamed. It was in that moment I decided I had to start saving... I had to re-billionize!  So I started off by selling some of my less necessary possessions.... Lots of things. I even sold my favorite gold toilet!!!

and had to replace it with a 100% SILVER one!! The horror!
 I just know I'm gonna be the laughing stock at the next polo match.....
Which speaking of... I decided I had to downgrade..... Thankfully segways are much cheaper than prize polo horses these days... Though in truth I kinda did make a couple dollars off of the sale of my steed...

Hey don't judge..... Times are tough  ..... And you know what... I like to think that my horse "Filly Cheesesteak" would have wanted it that way!

What else?  Oh ya... I cut out going to those 7 star resorts .... In fact a bunch of us struggling "wealthies" were forced to completely rethink the way we vacation. 

By private plane-pooling. Ugh!!
Man if my great uncle would've seen this.....  He would've rolled over in his platinum and bejeweled casket!!!! 

And that wasn't it. We have been vacationing where the poor people or "The Cretans" as we call them go ..... And it is so weird!!! We get so many dirty looks? It's almost as if they can tell we were rich... and I personally don't know how? 

But whatever..... here's a couple great photos of my friends on our vacations......

Here's my buddy Brock Appleton III with Jade

 And my polo buddy Dermot Davenport here with Kiki... 

Lets do lunch soon guys!!!

But back to my intense suffering ...... 
Lets see... Oh I forgot to mention.... I was recently forced to downgrade one of my cars ...
From 24 to 18 carat!!!

 And then I even bought an economy car as my
 "get around the gated community" vehicle.

And then things took a turn for the worse. I had to layoff some of my more expensive employees...

And hire minimum wage "human chess" player replacements... and you know.... it just cheapened the whole game for me... so I don't play much anymore.

And speaking of cheaper...
 I made one final change... to the cheaper kind of caviar....
 But it was not nearly as good... and I sighed...
the economy had won.
Side note-Lots and lots and lots of goldfish were harmed in the making of this can.

 I had reached my breaking point... and that's when it hit me.... You see I was used to a certain standard of living... People NEEDED me to live wealthy.... I needed to re-rich myself but for THEM!!! 
And all it took was some soulless searching and.... "Aha!!" I exclaimed.  I had a brilliant plan......I would simply give myself a huge bonus from some of that extra bank bailout money.... and wammo PROBLEM SOLVED....I mean it was free money right? And every other CEO was doing it!!

And then since I was on a roll I decided to cancel employee Christmas bonuses again this year... More money for me!!! ANOTHER PROBLEM SOLVED. "This is genius... they should be happy to just have a job!"... and I could use some pocket change..... Woohoo!!!

Oh......  wait..... wait....  this post was supposed to be about how hard we have it these days too...... Well...... um.......... I can say... That those decisions weighed very heavy on me.. "Look at what you made me do economy!" is one of the many things you could have heard me screaming while I was shopping for a my new polo horse "Horse-Radish".

But whatever.....Basically the moral here is the next time you poor little people think about how hard you have it..... Maybe you should stop to think about what the rich rest of us are going through...... cause we have had many many a sleepless hour over all of this....

..... I am the 1%...... and blog ya'll later


  1. hahaha oh yes they look like they suffer soooo much, that dog really has such a bad life..hahaha

  2. I cry for you, my friend. Big fat crocodile tears!

  3. I think we couch potatoes should organize a couch potato marathon to raise some cash for you. Don't lose hope. Help is on the way....

  4. damn, life is tough. I guess no one ever said it would be easy :(

  5. I'm confused about Jade and Kiki. Will they hook up with any of your fat-assed friends just because you tell them to? How much does that cost you?

  6. I'm sorry to hear about your sacrifices:P

  7. That was hilarious. "I bought an iceberg just so I could say that." Beautiful.
    Wait, are you Master P?

  8. One of my rich buddies had to scrap his gold toilet too. But he just replaced it with a brass tuba. You could hardly tell the difference.

  9. Dude, this is the funniest post of yours I've read yet. You are a caption master.

  10. Things are definitely tough all over. Rich folks are struggling just like the rest of us. Only, it's a different kind of struggling.


  11. Damn it's gotta be rough for the rich, making all those drastic cuts!

    Great post! Hilarious!

  12. Would love to take a dump in that toilet!

  13. Now I'm craving a seal burger! haha

  14. Ya know, it's tough when you expand your house for the yoked pair of jets and then have to private plane pool. That sucks!

  15. poor filthy rich Steve... I sooo sympathize with you .... :)Want me to borrow you a few million?

  16. Thank-you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I had no idea the magnitude of suffering the rich have to endure. Suddenly, I feel much more sympathy for those CEO's and much less for the homeless. You can't miss what you don't have, right?

  17. This sounds about right to me. Man, that would suck to eat lower grade caviar.

  18. Economize where you must, but the golden toilet must stay. Everything looks wrong in a silver one.

  19. damn, life is tough. I guess
    no one ever said it would be
    easy :( so SAAD!! Hehe!


  20. Hey, nice pad! Although I would have way too much performance anxiety on that swanky silver potty...

    Thanks for visiting my blog and have a smooth, rich Sunday.

    ;-) Anna

  21. That's too bad. Would you like me to donate my old (because I bought it last week) gold toilet to you?

    Wait. I think this is why some of your employees came to me, looking for a job. You broke their hearts, you mean person!

  22. Great and your horse glue can stick it.


  23. @Patt Hatt.... I know poor Fifi hasnt even had her doggie massage in quite while... better take her to the doggie shrink.

    @Debra She who Seeks... thanks for your sympathy

    @Stephen Hayes... thanks for the support my couch potato brethren

    @Major Mack... it aint easy being a billionaire

    @Gorilla Bananas... my friends prefer "husky" and i like to think their love is not about money.... but more assets.

    @The angry Lurker... thank you... I see your sympathies can be bought!

    @Pickelope.... thanks that is actually my favorite line in the whole thing..... as for Master P... he also has an iceberg... but mine is better

    @Fred Miller..... brass tuba? Hilarious!!!

    @A Beer For The Shower... thanks... I appreciate that coming from a blog as funny and twisted as anything out there like yours!!

    @Im With Stupid..... dont I know it..... I recently had to lay off my personal foreplayer...

    @Danjor21... thanks sir...

    @Interwebs Fails.... you better bring a classy magazine

    @otin... seal burgers taste nothing like chicken I promise.

    @Victoria Dixon... I know.... private planing is so millionaire!

    @DEZMOND... I would gladly take you up on your offer to lend me a couple million... or... you could just invest in this pyramid scheme I have been working on.. I swear you will make millions!!

    @thatwhitegirlblog...exactly!!! The homeless haven't suffered nearly like the CEO's!!

    @DWei... true... though I also do enjoy Dolphin caviar!

    @Murr Brewster... so true... though I hear platinum toilets feel pretty good.

    @CHULALA.... it is sad I know.. thanks for the sympathy

    @Anna Lefter... cheers Anna.. and you as well have a smooth and rich Halloween

    @Gnetch.... I would accept your gold toilet hand me downs... yes... and as for my ex-employees... tell them I put a stop payment on their last checks!!!

    @the accidental somebody.... don't knock it... Horse glue works!!!

  24. I've always wanted to own my own iceberg, you know... to keep me cool.