Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Fall of Santa Claus Post

So it's time for the Santa post. 
Now....obviously we all know his story.... the North Pole.... the reindeer...... the sleigh .... the type 2 diabetes.... We all get it. 

A man so beloved.... by almost everyone.....
But also a man ....."crazy terrifying"... to a few.

For example- these two terrified little bedwetters. 
And pay special attention to Jimmy on the left. Cause he's gonna grow up... have issues.. and factor into our story later. 
Moving on...

Now for me.... I have always loved Santa. 
And not just cause of the years he brought me presents..... 
But for the years he couldn't make it too....
Cause he never failed to send me a postcard on Christmas....
And...... you know what....

I totally understood.... 
Cause Santa was always off doing something so cool!!!

Or amazing. 

Or kinda unexpected?

You know in hindsight... the presents would have been nice too..... 

But whatever. Lets get back to our story. Remember sad little bedwetting Jimmy from the Santas lap picture above..... Well he grew up.... (developed poor fashion sense)..... and  hated Santa!!!!

You see he wanted to make Santa pay for scaring him when he was a kid!!!!

So he up and kidnapped Santa.....  

Yep he threw him in his Dodge Neon sleigh... and...

(Luckily for my readers... Santa doesn't get hurt or tortured or anything creepy like that in my story... because according to Google Search there are no such pictures of that on the internet)

..... and for that I say...."Dear god... thank you world!"

Anyways.... I guess for the sake of the rest of the story... lets say Mall-Santa's everywhere came to his rescue!

The most sober ones.

And they freed Santa. 
But the story's not over.... No way. 
You see that whole experience kinda changed Santa...... 

And what I found out just may surprise you. you could expect from any "imaginary person" going through a trauma like that... 
 Santa Claus had what can only be described as a breakdown. Maybe not as public as Mother Nature's breakdown after El Nino....

Cause she got weird!!!
But a breakdown none the less.......

You see he went to counseling.

And when that didn't work he tried "other ways" of expressing himself.....

But sadly nothing worked .........

And he started to change..... 

At first he started to let himself go.

And then he started drinking......... and for some reason wearing ladies underwear?

He started expressing himself.... but in all the wrong ways.....

He even starting making what can only be described as "disappointing toy choices"!

And he was becoming desperate... to feel something.... anything.

And after what can only be described as... " The Great HO HO HO Misunderstanding" on the corner of 14th and Burnside.....

Santa had hit rock bottom.

But that's where our story changes for the better. You see it was in jail Santa had a revelation..... He needed to pull it together. The world needed him..... Christmas needed him back! Why?

Cause without him.. there would be no deeply regrettable Christmas family photos any more!

And they would probably cancel Mall-Santa appreciation day at the local Amusement parks.... without Christmas!

Other people would probably stop "wasting entire days"... er....  building Christmas themed sandcastles in beach towns around the globe...

and finally...... without Santa around.....
What would little Freddie have to chew on come Christmas Day?

So Santa snapped out of it.
He returned to the North Pole 
And all returned to normal....
And all was good again.....
(That was until the great Christmas medication mix-up of 1988)

But we will save that story for another day.

Cause Santa got weird!!!!

The End?


  1. I knew there was a reason my fire kept going out and it smelled like dung, I should apologize to the cat..haha Damn Santa!

  2. So, do you think Santa Claus is Lindsay Lohan's real dad?

  3. what a touching, heartwarming Christmas tale, Steve, you're better than Dr.Seuss, I swear you are :)
    And LOL to Gnetch above :)

  4. Santa wearing a thong is not something I thought I would ever see. Santa being tortured is somewhere out there, lets face it, the net has everything.

  5. Every time I see one of those horrible family Christmas photos I automatically assume the husband is the either the insane mind behind it, or the most p***y-whipped individual in existence.

  6. Hahahahaha, love the kid chewing on the extension cord! Real life, man!

  7. I think I'll shoe this to the neighbothood kids on Christmas eve instead of The Night Before Christmas. After all, they need to live in the real world, right? Oh my, I'd better set down my mug of laced eggnog!

  8. Man, I never knew the story of Santa ran so deep! I think all those years of breaking and entering peoples homes has finally gotten to him!

  9. Santa shitting down a chimney - that's symbolic on so many different levels.

  10. Imma kill him this Christmas. ;)

  11. I love your posts. They are so unique and fun. Love the photo of your kid chewing electricity.

  12. Those toy dolls were horrifying! Someone stole their Yule Logs.
    So sorry to hear that Santa apparently suffered from claustrophobia.

  13. haha, LOL! I love this post. so funny ;D

  14. Hahaha Santa potty training himself on a chimney. That's a great picture, Steve. As for Santa wearing women's underwear... Mrs Santa was with me last night wearing oversized men's underwear, so I said, 'What the hell?!!!'

  15. I'm not sure if I should love santa or fear him. I need to know more about these drugs!!!

  16. I find it hard to believe there were no Santa torture pics out there. At least a Santa SandM pic or two out there.
    And everyone should fear a guy who enslaves elves and only works once a year and ONLY caters to children. Something wrong about all of that.

  17. ROFLMAO!!!!! This is tooo awesome :0) I love it.

  18. So, the entire time I was reading this, I was thinking about the Weird Al song "The Night Santa Went Crazy." There's just something about a loitering, bearded, fat guy in a tracksuit who coddles children that unnerves me...

  19. Wow great job on this! Loved it and giggling a little. I think it may explain a lot of guys I know being grinches and scrooge.

  20. We've foregone Santa entirely at my house. I mean, all my packages are coming via UPS these days.

    What? You don't sit on the truck driver's lap?!

    Maybe just me, huh?


  21. this is hysterical!! I cracked up throughout this entire post. You are very funny. I can't wait to read more. You got a new follower :)

  22. Have you ever seen that porn called "Santa Comes Twice"?

    Just askin'.

  23. This is hilarious!