So it's time for the Santa post.
Now....obviously we all know his story.... the North Pole.... the reindeer...... the sleigh .... the type 2 diabetes.... We all get it.
A man so beloved.... by almost everyone.....
But also a man ....."crazy terrifying"... to a few.
|For example- these two terrified little bedwetters. |
And pay special attention to Jimmy on the left. Cause he's gonna grow up... have issues.. and factor into our story later.
Now for me.... I have always loved Santa.
And not just cause of the years he brought me presents.....
But for the years he couldn't make it too....
Cause he never failed to send me a postcard on Christmas....
And...... you know what....
|I totally understood.... |
Cause Santa was always off doing something so cool!!!
|Or amazing. |
|Or kinda unexpected? |
You know in hindsight... the presents would have been nice too.....
But whatever. Lets get back to our story. Remember sad little bedwetting Jimmy from the Santas lap picture above..... Well he grew up.... (developed poor fashion sense)..... and hated Santa!!!!
You see he wanted to make Santa pay for scaring him when he was a kid!!!!
So he up and kidnapped Santa.....
|Yep he threw him in his Dodge Neon sleigh... and...|
(Luckily for my readers... Santa doesn't get hurt or tortured or anything creepy like that in my story... because according to Google Search there are no such pictures of that on the internet)
..... and for that I say...."Dear god... thank you world!"
Anyways.... I guess for the sake of the rest of the story... lets say Mall-Santa's everywhere came to his rescue!
|The most sober ones.|
And they freed Santa.
But the story's not over.... No way.
You see that whole experience kinda changed Santa......
And what I found out just may surprise you.
First......like you could expect from any "imaginary person" going through a trauma like that...
Santa Claus had what can only be described as a breakdown. Maybe not as public as Mother Nature's breakdown after El Nino....
|Cause she got weird!!!|
|You see he went to counseling.|
|And when that didn't work he tried "other ways" of expressing himself.....|
But sadly nothing worked .........
And he started to change.....
|At first he started to let himself go.|
|And then he started drinking......... and for some reason wearing ladies underwear?|
|He started expressing himself.... but in all the wrong ways.....|
|He even starting making what can only be described as "disappointing toy choices"!|
|And he was becoming desperate... to feel something.... anything.|
And after what can only be described as... " The Great HO HO HO Misunderstanding" on the corner of 14th and Burnside.....
|Santa had hit rock bottom.|
But that's where our story changes for the better. You see it was in jail Santa had a revelation..... He needed to pull it together. The world needed him..... Christmas needed him back! Why?
|Cause without him.. there would be no deeply regrettable Christmas family photos any more!|
|And they would probably cancel Mall-Santa appreciation day at the local Amusement parks.... without Christmas!|
|Other people would probably stop "wasting entire days"... er.... building Christmas themed sandcastles in beach towns around the globe...|
and finally...... without Santa around.....
|What would little Freddie have to chew on come Christmas Day?|
So Santa snapped out of it.
He returned to the North Pole
And all returned to normal....
And all was good again.....
(That was until the great Christmas medication mix-up of 1988)
|But we will save that story for another day.|
|Cause Santa got weird!!!!|