Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Worst Hike Ever Post!



All right so its been almost a week since my last confession... er... post.
Anyways I have a story to share with you all.... a true story.


You see last weekend....
 While making yet another creative breakfast....


The old severed hand breakfast...
...which is bloody delicious!!


Well... I got to some thinking..
 I decided I needed to get out and get some fresh air...
I needed to enjoy me some nature...
So I talked my girlfriend into joining me... 
On a short little hike..


Now first off... like any good "hikey"... 
 We had to get prepared for our "voluntary walking torture"... er... hike....


So I put on my hiking clothes...


And she put on her hiking boots.........


Which..... she would so later regret...
but whatever...


(Bonus fact wilderness shoppers- they also make ladies hiking sandals these days!!)


Which 9 out of 10 women reviewed as...
 "Ankle Shattering!" 


But anyways.... thats not what I wanted to talk about. 
This story is about "the hike"....
And so... for us.. being the novice hikers we are...
We picked out a short little 5 mile loop to hike...
And we set out.... cranked up the tunes....


And car karaoked all the way to the forest.
Man we were feeling good!




But we would NEVER COMPLETE THAT LOOP!! 
More on that later.


Now at first the hike was fun....


We crossed streams... and hiked small hills...


And all was good...
We even met some very friendly fellow hikers who helped point us in the right direction....


But with the "pointer mother nature gave him?"




And so we hiked on.....
We.... even ran into a man stuck in some quicksand...




Who offered us booze... before he sank.
How nice was that!!
"Hiking rules!"... the couch potato in me said.


We were having so much fun....
I joked about coming back out here another weekend...


But in my bear costume...
I mean how great would that be!


We even talked about taking our hiking to the next level one day..


The over the edge level!


All was so good..
Hiking was stupid easy!!!


So we hiked on.....


And we crossed streams... and small hills...


And hiked on even more...


And we crossed streams... and small hills....




And it was less fun.


"Man shouldn't we be back by now" I thought to myself...
"Had I not seen this same stupid hill already" I thought?
And then it happened...
I realized we were lost.
You see I had been reading my girlfriends compass all day!


And it was dead wrong!!!

As it turns out we were now 8 miles in... 
And tired.... 
And lost...




Now... I knew what to do when lost in snow...
but not nicer weather???


My girlfriend now upset and tired... was done with this!
I needed a plan!
So I thought and I thought...
And then I had an extremely "tough" power bar...


This one?




And then I thought some more.....
And then it happened...
I came up with a plan....


You see we needed to turn around and....
 "Hike back some 8 miles" I told her.....


And explained to her with my fingers.


She responded to my plan .....


With hers....


So with nothing else to do... we turned around...
And walked...
And walked....
And walked....
And after seeing some rock formations that seemed to be only....




"Mocking us?"


We eventually made it back to the car.
Hallelujah!!!
We could finally go home...


However.... and sadly...




That was not to be.

You see it didn't start..
Apparently some car karaoke-er had left the radio on??




So we did what true hikers would do in this situation..




We walked home...
In what I now refer to as...
 "The long expletive hike home?"


Now I would like to tell you all a story of how we grew closer as we hiked home.... 
And that we now laugh about our adventure these few days later....


But I think that will have to wait....


Till her blisters subside?


Till then...
And from the dog house...
Blog ya'll later!

11 comments:

  1. LMAO things just kept going from bad to worse, the car would have surely made me curse..hahaha...least he was willing to share a drink before he got swallowed up.

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  2. I wonder if they really do make high heeled hiker boots.

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  3. Hiking is great....when there are no nagging women there slowing you down!

    I would not be the least bit surprised if they actually make hiking shoes like that for women!

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  4. I'm actually going on a hike this weekend... thanks for the reminder of what can go wrong haha.

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  5. Purely for using the word 'expletive' and making me laugh I have to commend you, sir. I do a lot of hiking, though I've given up on the high heels. Turrible traction.

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    1. Now you're telling us.... when I'm about to open a box containing... high heels. Wait, that was a bad dream.

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  6. That compass on her back looked right to me.

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  7. That compass is totally wrong, it has only 4 directions thank god you had "pointer" man to help. I can wear those heels and do hiking as long as you give me crutches.
    Blisters are from shoes or hiking?

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  8. Never trust a nature-given "pointer" to point you to the right direction.

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  9. I'd buy some high heeled walking boots for the wife if it actually got her to come out hiking...great story

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  10. Blisters... they are the main reason I'm not a fan of walking - I mean, hiking. When I say, 'Let's take a hike,' what I really mean is let's get into that car. Well, you know what I mean, Steve.

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