Thursday, June 14, 2012

#2 of 14 Gold Diggers

Here we are at my #2 favorite post... 
A post that's close to my heart. 


You see.... my family had an actual "gold digger" enter our lives last year and... well... I wrote about it. 


So...
Heres that educational little post I called...


"How to get rid of your gold digger!"


But first...
Lets discuss the "gold digger".
And more specifically... how to identify one...
Cause maybe you already have one in your life?
And you dont know it!!!
Maybe you thought her T-shirt was just funny....


But she meant every damn word of it!!!


So how do you spot em??
Well first off...
 If you have a headlight like this..... then....




Disregard this post...
You probably aren't "Gold digger material"
Go worry about finding batteries....


But for the rest of you... lets talk.
Ready?
Ok?


Now...
Sometimes gold diggers are easy to spot....
In fact often...


.....the "gold digger" will proudly label themselves!


Huh?
Which can range from helpful....


....to kinda sad??


But more importantly....
Most gold diggers WON'T label themselves...
They will attempt... to be sneaky with their intentions.....
And they will try to blend in!!
For example....


These gals...er...  gold diggers...
Which as you can see.... are tough to spot....
They look like they fit right in!!!
My clue... the pure joy on his face!!!

And then..... there's this picture....

Of Bubbles and Milton Ashcroft the 3rd
 Wait as I blow your mind...
She is actually a gold digger!!!!
I know.... right????


Or this male gold digger.... 
And uh.... yes there sure are male diggers out there.....
For example Carlos...


Who at 24 married this 82 year old woman....
And I say obvious digger!!!
But wait!!! This just in... apparently it is LOVE..
In fact sources tell the blog...
"Dudes just way down with the post menapausal"
Really???
That's unfortunate!!!


Moving on...
Now.... sometimes its just plain what you WEAR...
 that screams gold digger...


    And other times... its just the gold you wear that screams!!!


























Anyways hopefully that was somewhat helpful???
And now that you have identified your gold digger...
 lets get back to the original post.....


So...  my brother dated a gold digger this year....


And I know what you are thinking.... 
"Is he o.k.? 
Them gold diggers can be viscous." 


He is...  thanks for asking.... 
But how exactly did he end it? 
Cause as we all know.. 
A gold digger can be hard to trap and often harder to get rid of ... 


Well.... Im gonna share just that with you... 
Here are the steps to take to get rid of the gold digger in your life.




Step 1. Like we just did above.... 
Identify suspect person as a true gold digger. 
Its normally very easy.... Again look for the signs.... 


For example marrying the rich and deathly ill....




2. And then once identified.... 
Let it slip you have stashed a huge pile of cash and family jewels... somewhere in the house?



3. Doing o.k. so far? 
Alright! 
Now.... choose a door to be painted GOLD!!! 
Preferably a basement door... or any door that leads to the outside!
But really any kind of door will do....


Then paint that door!!


4. Now put a sign on it ... that says....
 "Gold inside... keep out!"




5. Now all you gotta do is wait....
 Trust me it wont take long... 
Your digger will never be able to contain his or her curiosity...
 And will certainly open that door.... 


And when they do.... 
Quickly push them, slam it shut and lock it behind them.... 


5. Its that easy.......
 But wait... there's more!!


 Now..... what is BEHIND the gold door is the next step. 
Obviously it could be simply a door to outside.... 


But we can do better than that... cant we?


Maybe for you.... its the basement door ?


And the basement stairs have seen better days?


Or maybe you want to go the trapdoor route..... 




 But a trapdoor into a cage!!


Genius!!
And speaking of doors to cages...
I had a friend get rid of their digger...
By sending her through the door to a....


Lions cage!!!
Which is freekin brilliant!!!




Or...maybe... and finally..... 
Its just a door to absolutely nowhere.


Which I call.... perfect!!


Any which way you are now free of your gold digger... 
Like we are...


But remember.. if you decide to go the "cage a gold digger" route..




Make sure to taunt!!!


Blog ya'll later!!





15 comments:

  1. LOL they can rot on the spot and yeah the cat will taunt with ease, even give them fleas.

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  2. You easily label ladies as "gold diggers" if they even have sensible expectations.

    What is the term to use for shallow men who objectify women and expect their future mother of their children to look like someone who would say "someone ordered a pizza"?

    But we'll let you pass because you posted the Bettywhite-Enrique kinda couple even if the ratio is million:1. :)

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  3. I remember this post. I hope your brother is still okay and isn't suffering any side effects from getting rid of his gold digger. Sometimes though I wish I was rich and surrounded by women who just wanted me for my money. I'd take it.

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  4. Hope your brother made it out alive and with a coin or two. Thanks for the info it's one to teach the son.
    Cheers, Sausage...

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  5. I wish I could attract some gold diggers...that way I know I'm not a broke ass!

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  6. I think this was none of the first of your posts that I read. I enjoyed it just as much the second time.

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  7. Lol, love the final gloat at the end! Yes, I think you and your brother have mastered the technique.

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  8. I never really got teh 'door to nowhere' thing. It's really confusing.

    CAN'T WAIT FOR NUMERO UNO!

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  9. When I grow up, I want to be a gold digger.

    Wait. I'm all grown up. I mean, not in height. But I'm old. You know...

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  10. Or keep multiple ones in a cage. Have them fight to the death. Film, sell for money, become even more rich.

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  11. I'd love to be rich enough to have a gold-digger, who would then be distraught as I left all my money to cats or something

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