From the Mind of a Mad Man

So someone close to me had some elective surgery lately and yes...all went well. Thanks for asking. Obviously going under the knife can be a trying and stressful time... most drinking surgeons will tell you....

Hows it going to look? How long is the recovery time? How are they gonna settle? All perfectly good questions! But it's like every drug lord getting a new face will tell you, the success of every surgery, is in the end result. It doesn't matter if you got your work done in the back of a van in some third world country as long as it turns out the way you had hoped......

As for me..... I personally haven't had any work done .....since the calf implants... and yes they are still looking cyclist good! Thanks for asking.

Anyways all this surgery talk has gotten me curious people. When you finally wake up post-surgery... in the recovery room... in that most vulnerable of states.What would you least like the first words you hear to be? Ready for it... here it is.

The top 10 worst things to hear when you wake up from a surgery!

10. Almost any form of screaming..... for example "Oh dear god!!! She's hideous!"

9. or.... hearing the doctor ask.... "Where did the scissors go?".... equally bad with any number of potentially missing surgical gear.

8. or you wake up... and your nice "quiet" neighbor now has you strapped to his basement table and he's saying..... "Don't worry the neighborhood watch will never find you.... I warned you to take down your damn Christmas Lights!!"

7. or... that same crazy doctor saying....."Congratulations you are now the middle of the human centipede. (sorry bout this one... kinda?)

6. or if wake up to hear "Your sex change was a success!"...... but you only went in for light dental work?

Alright! Half way there... are we learning anything? ... what other things do we not want to hear? For me.... definitely this next one!

5. "Was it good for you".... and the doctors smoking a cigarette.... Did I fail to mention you aren't wearing your hospital gown anymore?!

4. or... and this ones for the soccer moms out there. "I'm sorry but your husband slipped me a 20 to do your boobs too!"

Side note this lady actually holds some boob record. My guess Most Regrettable!

3. "Clear!" .... this one is more of an out of body experience.... my born again Christian friends tell me.

2. or... "Thank you for becoming an organ donor".
This is my nightmare!

Bonus fact - Green eyes net you the most cash these days... according to blackmarketorgans.org

1. and lastly "It didn't go so well. Everybody get in here and check this dude's tapeworm out!"

There it is everybody... I hope none of you hear any of these any time soon.... May all your surgeries be huge successes..... and all your scars heal fast..... and... remember its not always just what you hear after surgery. Sometimes it's what you first see too! Here's to hoping you never see this. Blog ya'll later.

Here we go... just the other day..... I was reading on the computer how a friend of mine decided it was time to toss out her old skinny jeans. She had outgrown them. .... so I made a "Are you trading them in for some mom jeans" joke ... and.....Man! Apparently everyone....that is not a joke most ladies appreciate.... Who knew? Even though... technically she was a lady.... and a mom... and they are made of denim. I guess that just doesn't matter.

Well... It got me thinking. In light of this new information... I should probably scrap my retirement plan of inventing Grandma Jeans.... You know for when everything sags even more and you want your jeans even higher.. Side note. Love ya Grandma! I'm so glad you're a frequent reader! Disregard this part.

And based on the reaction Mom Jeans got...I am gonna put them right up there with the word MOIST.... nearly equal in terms of female hatred. So what I have done....... after much reflection on the topic, and a snack that in truth was good but overly moist, is put together a worst jeans I could find on the internet post....... and ladies... there's gonna be some Mom Jeans.....bad ones... but don't worry! They aren't close to how bad jeans can get. Enjoy!

But lets start with the mom jeans. SNL celebrated the denim choice of moms everywhere with a funny ad! Tina Fey pulled them off !

And "singer?" Jessica Simpson celebrated them also. ... wait I don't think she's a mom!

But this post is more than just mom jeans... There are plenty other bad jeans out there? For example....

Notice how the eyes always follow you. Like a poor mans Mona Lisa..... or someone sitting in a tree outside your bedroom window. These just aren't very attractive jeans... right?

And then these jeans never fail to get a reaction. Like the "Get the hell out of my house with these....ass".... my lady friend told me.... with tears.... when she opened them up on her birthday.

Um... what else...The acid washed jeans thing... Don't lie.... If you wore jeans in the 80's.... you had some. Not particularly a good style.

This guy attempted to acid wash his own jeans...... poorly. Or ... maybe he's just a crotch sweater...You know if you take one thing away from this post.... Don't be a crotch sweater.... I'm sorry about this one... moving on

Stripper Jeans

Brian and the gang invented Danger Jeans!! And to me.... much worse than Mom Jeans ever were.

Brian and the gang would all later regret sleeping with Stephanie.

Here's one of my favorites...... Thank you Walmart

Be honest... we have all been here.... on laundry day.... and you need to go out... and you borrow your 12 year old sisters jeans...

Now for those of you that know me......1.) I promise to replace the beer next time I come over... and 2.) You may know of my true hatred for mens jeans shorts..... Why you ask? Allow me to show you what your "cool" looking jeans shorts really make you look like.

This guy

I do however fully condone Jeanderpants.... these exist by the way. That's right jean underwear....My sources (who usually go commando) tried these and reviewed them as "chaffing"

Is anyone else feeling like this post is spinning wildly out of control..... down a very tasteless and tacky road. Ya me too...... so allow us to continue....

Ripped Jeans

Extremely unnecessarily tight jeans.....

Dog jeans....

Bad Genes

Worse genes

Jean shoes... hey I'm legally required to have one photo that isn't completely offensive. What to say?.. um. Crazy Aunts everywhere just started sewing these for Christmas gifts.