The Flasher Post

So............ here we go. The flasher post! Allow me first to preface this by saying I was recently flashed. It's true. I work downtown Portland..... and bam!! it happened. Right on the corner of 14th and Burnside this lady flashed me.... her whole naked business..... "Well at least it was a lady" you're saying.... right?  


Regrettably...  not so much. You see she was a tad bit older and had the creepiest smile on her face. Come to think of it.....  she was surprisingly limber though? .... Whatever..... The only plus of this whole experience was it gave me the idea to kinda celebrate the flasher in all of us with this post. .... so enjoy???


Now.... you will learn (if you talk to a flasher purist like I did) that flashing, as well as an excellent way to cool off, is really about pure human expression. And these "surprise-nakedness aficionado's" will then go on to tell you that "Exposing yourself is how mother nature would have wanted us to live"...  and that "the flash" is the best way of getting back in touch with that same nature.

In fact, apparently, nature itself.....  "Desires to be flashed!"

As I spoke with them they explained, all be it a bit too visually,  that flashing is the ultimate sign of ....respect!! And then..... they respected the hell out of me.... over.... and over......and over


They really believe this stuff I found out... In fact then they shared their most cherished motto with me...


"To flash is to expose the purest part of yourself to someone or something. Its like revealing your inner soul to them.... and I guess your testicles too." quote from Richard Wad (flashing guru)


Huh??? Finally they wrapped up our meeting by reminding me of their two most sacred rules....  


1.) You should only flash what you truly love...

and 

2.) You should run like hell when you see flashing lights!






  .... It was at this point I kinda began to understand.

So.... maybe people should flash ....like their T.V.? 

Or maybe fast food.  Seems pretty American?

Or say... Professional Dirt-Biking ... (redneck specific)..... Then afterward go on... go flash that can of chewin tabacca? It's o.k.!

Or oh ya..... the holidays? I mean who doesn't love those?

Or maybe train-dodging.....
Like we've all been doing that these days...Right?
 Why not show that conductor and all those passengers just how much you loved it... but with your exposed ta-ta's?

Or maybe for you its just all women in general. 
Well ladies....  Now you can almost feel... er... see this love? 


This is starting to make all sorts of sense!

And speaking about the ladies..... I like to think you've still got a little love left for those ex boyfriends of yours.... 
So go out and show em... 

All of em... uh... 
Girl who somehow "loved" the majority of the west side?

Hopefully its becoming clear to you now?  I mean if you think about it people have been flashing their favorite bands for years now..... and everybody knows all "crazy girls"  really really love them a tortured musician.. So it's gotta be true!!! 


But where can flashing go to from here... in today's evolving world?


Well..... people have moved on to flashing technology I found out.. 

I mean who doesn't love google maps!!!!

Or your smart phone?
Everyone (bosses excluded) loves those!!

And then.............. Then....... if I had any doubts left....

  I found this......

Come on.... if the golden girls are doing it.... It can't be wrong... right?
(side note- this will most likely be my only golden girls reference on this blog.... so enjoy it... uh...  golden girls fans that somehow also read my blog?)

Flashing is officially good!!!!! 


Now...  as with all good things, sometimes people can get "carried away".... and before anyone goes out and gets a personalized license plate that encourages all drivers, bicyclists, pedestrians, woman of the night, joggers, and maybe Amish barn raisers to "show you their love" it's good to remember that flashing can become a problem....a "love obsession" as one felon told me. But not to worry... cause help is available out there.

Just please.....
 Don't "show how much you loved getting that help"!!! 

Well everyone.... I really hope this post helped to change your impression of the flash. Personally I loved all this new information.... a lot!!!!.....  Thanks for reading..... I gotta go... 

.... show em all just how much !!!!!

blog ya'll later

Back from vacation

Alright.... so vacation's over...... and so is summer for that matter...... I had a great time on the coast of Hawaii. Its always fun meeting new people.....  then wearing a costume..... and scaring the hell out of their children..... 


 It's just the best way I've found to reclaim a nice little child-free patch of beautiful beach..... all for you.


Anyways.....as my personal vacation season comes to a close.......  I realize it's time to get back to work..... back to the restaurant... back to the grind. I mean its been nearly the whole summer since I've gotten to spend any real "one on one time" with my employees ..... and that is just way too long in this economy.

 side note-- I find cake works best! But don't forget to take that cake price out of their last check!! I mean.... it was for them... right?

But whatever...... by "getting back to work" I don't mean just at my job. But here on this blog too....So officially starting now.... I'm going to begin to post a little more often...   and cover a wider variety of important topics ...... and you know what...... I'm even going to get around to covering some of those real hard-hitting and meaningful social topics I've been meaning too.....

and some.... maybe not quite as hard hitting!

like the upcoming Flasher Post.... a personal favorite!

Regardless, its gonna be a fun fall and winter here on the blog... (maybe I will even write a song or two?) oh ya... I apologize in advance for those....


So.... as I sign off today..... let me leave you all with a few photos of the summer that was...... Ah...  summer.....

The beauty

The danger

The romance!

The exotic travels

The warm weather

Uh.... the creepy sand castle maker people?

Basically..... it was just another magical summer.
Filled with all sorts of....  love.

and in truth.... its been all sorts of..... relaxing!

 but as I said..... I've got to get to work...........so everybody.....
 let's all together excitedly jump and wave a big goodbye to summer..... 

I said "all together".... oh whatever... blog ya'll later!

Vacation To "........." Post

I'm gonna interrupt my normal filth..... er......"morally challenged content" here on this blog...... because....  I am officially headed on a court ordered vacation.... where you ask?

To somewhere along the interstate? ..... No.....
 Nope.. that was the last couple trips. This trip is somewhere totally different...

Is it to the ever popular Hairy Man festival? Well... I wish.. but my sources reviewed the food there as "Regrettably Delicious"  
Sadly they just couldn't get past all that body hair they found in nearly every dish..
 So not there either..

Or what about a road trip to go see some roadside attraction... like the worlds largest ball of twine... maybe?

But not after an investigation concluded that they used that same ball o' twine to help model the worlds largest bra..
And that's just cheapens the whole twine experience to me... so no .... 

None of the above..... My girl and I are actually off to....

Yep we are Maui bound.... its time for a vacation.... So I'm loading up on the sunscreen........

and then were off for a little relaxing beach time... like this lady...

I mean just look how relaxed her skin looks.......

Tomorrow morning bright and early.... we board the plane and off we go...

Now if I'm honest I'm not a huge fan of flying.....
Cause anything can happen...

and we are flying Hawaiian

where they pride themselves on having "local" pilots. Nightmare...

But whatever...... while I do typically prefer the bus...

Especially when you spring for your own compartment.....

 I'm sure we will be fine.... and we will arrive safely tomorrow afternoon in Hawaii.

And get Lei'd

Side note.... my sources tell me to avoid "over lei-ing"......




                                   Over-leing example below...

 (STOP....if you thought I was gonna make "over lei-ing" into some sort of unfortunate sex reference ... shame on you. I'm not gonna do that here)

 I'm gonna do that.... HERE

uh ......... moving on.....

Now... back to the actual vacation.... you see we made our reservations at this "quaint" island hotel said to give you the "true island experience"

I really enjoy watching those nature shows!

and we rented a car ... so we can take a few scenic drives along the coastline....

Overly scenic...


And that's it. When we aren't driving around touring the island... we are going to spend our days running around the beach....

Literally 

Regardless of whatever happens.. it's Hawaii & it's freekin vacation. 


Oh ya.... I almost forgot...  nearly half of the fun of vacation is being away from everyone.... meeting all sorts of seriously 
crazy and hilarious people. 
 So.... for this trip (and for this blog) I'm taking a unique approach to the crazy person ice-breaker.... I will be the guy in the costume. 

Come on over and share a Mai-Tai

Tip #4 To spice up your sex life... The threesome

Alright everybody we are officially on to tip #4 on how to spice up your sex life- The Threesome. 

Now I hadn't ever really given the old threesome much thought until I got that "curious" christmas gift from my estranged Aunt Christine.... and it got me thinking...


 Admittedly..  this is a much more "advanced" or as other people might call it "crowded" kind of bedroom tip.....I get that... and most skeptics will tell you that if you REALLY love your special someone, adding a third person into the mix isn't the best idea. It will typically backfire.... as  often times one of the participants usually feels a little left out.

It's like I always say... just dont let the "left out one"
 be the girl with the gun!

But whatever.... you decided you are ready. You've had a few drinks and built up the liquid courage to beg your lover to have a threesome with you? Now if they said yes... well you aren't reading this blog... you're busy having a freekin threesome! 
But for the rest of you.... newly single people. You now need to start from scratch. Here's what you do........


First off ... go out and identify potential threesome candidates.

Sometimes.... shockingly easy to find......

Other times it requires a bit more effort. Try the beach....

The only place I'm told where you can 
kinda "test-drive" potential threesomers.

Alright.... now its time to hand out your coupons.... You heard me right... Coupons!

Unless they are somehow into string? 

Now, don't forget to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet later. Side note- If you happen to be a nerd........

Congratulations! You just had your first threesome... I mean come on... Did you really think it would go any further than this? 

 Now surely they called.... cause who refuses a coupon in this economy? Right?  So the next step is to invite everyone back to the most sexiest place ever... that's right.... the sex van..

Shaggin Wagon

Oh and I forgot to mention...... People in pimp outfits (who I got most of this information from) told me....  never bring anyone who accepts a love coupon from a stranger back to your home.... stick with the car. Why? Well cause if you don't... often this happens...

A Robbery...

Makes sense....Now lets fast forward to later that evening...

After you brought your twister sheets and laid them out in the back of the wagon....

and you spent hours practicing your Burt Reynolds pose

It's time for the magic.... Now I cant help you here.... This part is up to you.... I did however find a book that might help?

But lay back.... relax...  and let your special night whisk you away to a land of ecstasy and extra elbows......

ahhhh...... that's it. Very good..... uh....  all three of you.

Congratulations. You completed your first threesome.... Time to commemorate it with a T-shirt or something. 


And the beauty of it all is..... now you will always have the memories.... its that one night you get to relive in your mind over and over through the years.... fondly remembering.....

For example how sexy and perfect it all was.......

And then..... shockingly exhausting.. somehow.. 

And then.... um..... it got weird and somewhat greasy? 

Wait a second!!! Did I forget to mention the most important step?

.... Don't drink too much before you hand out the coupons. Cause seriously ...  if there's ever a time not to have

 "beer impaired" judgement its pre-threesome!!! 

Or this.... could end up happening...

The Geriatric FOURSOME!!!! Dear god!!!

You know what... Scratch this post all together. Im not sure any of us are ready for this. In fact completely disregard! 

Cause for every one of these threesomes....

Like all sexy in a hot tub

are two of these.....

And that's why...... I'm pulling the plug on this post.  Do with it what you will.... Oh ya...and remember to be "careful" with your threesome night..... or this could happen to you.....

The paternity test....


Good luck and blog ya'll later