The Reasons You Dream What You Dream Picture Post?!?

Today we are gonna get right to it. We are talking about dreaming..... 
 SO...... if you could maybe put some pants on? 
( Cause come on!! Kids read this blog too!!?)
 And get ready...
We could get started.....
Ready?
O.K.?
O.K......enjoy.....


Ah...... DREAMING!!!!
That wonderful time when you close your tired eyes.... 
and slip into a wonderful dreamland....
A land all your own.....
A land where you are in control....
A land where if you are like me.....

....is full a lot of freekin Doritos... like everywhere!

Mmmm!

A land where your dreams are but small windows into your subconscious.....

And I guess some bigger windows too?

You see dreams can teach us about our fears......

Like when Disney turns evil and takes over the world?

Or.... our secret desires......

Like maybe your Princess Leia fantasy? 
Right nerds everywhere?

Which coincidentally is exactly this next guys recurring dream.....

 But regrettably in public?
Uh .... lets just move on!!!

Now... what I really wanted to talk about today was....
"Why do we all have the dreams we have?"
So.... I woke up various sleeping people I knew and asked them...
And after many of  their varied (and angry) responses...  one stood out!


"Exactly WHERE you sleep impacts the kind of dreams you have .... now stop watching me sleep Steve!" 


Huh?.....  So for example....

The dream of falling.... This is greatly helped by.....

The kind of bed you are sleeping on........
and probably more importantly....

The kind of angry (cheated on) wife you have....
You know... the one with the scissors?
Makes sense!!!

Or the dream of somehow being naked and totally embarrassed...

My sources tell me..... That 9 out of 10 times those dreams often happen the evening of the office Christmas party......

And after all the bad decisions made there!!!

Oh........  and what about that super common dream of being in jail you ask?

Ya..... no that's probably just cause you are actually in jail.....
Sorry inmate and frequent reader #247811!

But what else.... Well according to more people I woke up.... there are a few more of the "Most Common Dreams".... for example apparently the dream of loosing your teeth? Man that would suck...... who dreams of that?

People who get this ring do!!!

Seriously......

Then theres the dream of being stuck....... where you cant move....

Often common for freeway gridlock nappers......

And then theres the dream of snakes!!!!! 
And I personally would hate this one......

But so did this infant!!

And then theres that "dream of seeing different images in your coffee cup".... dream!!!!!

Like this .... which clearly symbolizes.....

Wait!!!!
This is just a cheap way to get a nude photo of coffee into this post..
I apologize.... and am oddly kinda thirsty..
 moving on......

But whatever......let me leave you all with the last couple popular dreams and what they mean.....


Theres the flying dream.....

Which often means..... wake up stupid.... you passed out skydiving!!!

And the dream of being underwater or swimming..... 
Now..... if you have this dream it either means.....

You sleep in this awesome aquarium room...... or..... sadly.....

You went home next to this guy!!!

And on that note....
Happy dreaming.....
And blog ya'll later!

The What I Noticed While Staying 50 Feet Away From My Ex Post?

I am currently working on a post all about "dreams"....
It should be ready in a couple days......
But until then I dug this post up for you all.... its actually one of my parole officers favorites?
So.... I guess Im headed back off to bed..... for you know more dream research!
Man my girlfriend HATES The Dream Post!!!
Anyways........ enjoy.....

" The what I noticed while staying 

exactly 50 feet 

away from my ex all day post!"

1. Here we go..... first off....  she still looks good.... Even after not seeing her for say 7 to 10 years!


2. And I noticed ....she was much harder to locate...
 Apparently she's not in the phone book anymore.... and moved in to an unlisted house in a totally different state! Weird?

3. And then I noticed... shes also changed her looks dramatically... and wears a wig these days? Huh?  


(sidenote- It was nice to see though, that her underwear drawer 
was very much the same)


4. Anyways.... these days she likes to start her day off running... and then she goes to a karate class... and from what I could tell...  she is actually really good. She must be a black belt. Good for her.

5. And apparently after working up a karate size appetite she likes to grab some lunch. Today she ordered up a caesar salad and half a turkey sandwich to eat at this local diner... it looked tasty!


6. Now personally my lunch was tasty as well (from my table 50 feet away) but a little heavy on the caesar dressing!

7. Here's the weird thing.... mid-way through lunch.... she abruptly left after noticing something from behind me.... I wonder what it was?




8. And then when she left the restaurant she decided to go running again.... What a work-out nut!!!  She ended up at her light grey hatchback license plate 345TU5R.... and went for a drive. 


9. As I followed her in my car (from 50 feet away) I noticed she has become a really terrible driver. She was swerving like hell. Darting in and out of cars. She even raced in front of a train!!! It was almost as if she was trying to get away from something. Weird?

10. And then out of nowhere she slowed down her driving... parked..... and she went in to this store "Ray-Ray's No-Wait Handgun Supply Store".....  apparently she was going gun shopping. Surprising? I wouldn't have taken her for a hunter? huh?


bonus fact- I found a couple of her hairs in her car... on her drivers seat headrest when she was in the store.... and added them to my collection! Yay!


11. Anyways... as she left the store.....  she started walking my way? She didn't seem mad that I was in her car at all. She was actually waving at me and smiling!!! I knew it....she missed me!


12. And then she decided to show me her new karate moves!


13. Karate kicks


14. Karate punches


15. More karate kicks


16. Even a karate headbutt.... which I didn't know was a karate move? huh? Anyways....


Bonus fact......karate hurts!!


17. And then she showed me her taser!

18. and.......being tasered also hurts!


19. AND THEN.....  I woke up in a forest...... Apparently she had brought me there because she needed help digging a big ditch.... all the while practicing more karate on me. She must have a tournament coming up... I can so tell she loves me!!!!

20. And finally she asked me to type THIS list on the computer. Of all the stuff I have done today.... and if I think I will ever leave her alone... which just so you know...... "I definitely would never!!!" 


...... And that's it....... I guess I have to go everybody....... she is headed my way and apparently wants to show me her shiny new handgu.......

The end?

Blog ya'll later!

The Baby Post.... and then Eventually "Baby's Being Planted?" (evil laugh)

Welcome back everyone....... its been a memorable and busy week. 


You see my brother Patrick... (who does the graphics on this here blog).....  had a baby boy. 


What a special and tiny-clothes filled time for the whole family....

Anyways.... speaking of my brother and babies....  
Im haunted... er reminded... of a certain photo he once made for me when I asked him to make a picture for ...
"The games you can play with your baby post"...

He made this....
A literal game you could play with your kid... Awe!!
Clearly he was ready to be a papa!!

And so now... a dad he is.... 


Now the hospital was pretty much a celebration of friends and family...... It was great...


Though.... somehow nobody appreciated the cake I brought?

Weird? Cause it was delicious!!!
But.... surprisingly chocolate?
 even though I thought I had ordered vanilla?
 Huh?
Moving on....

But whatever....the family is thrilled..... 
And my bother is now officially a proud dad! 
And everyone is so happy... 
And blah blah blah......
Lets move on to what really matters....  shall we?
Cause you see..... I am officially now... 
An Uncle! 
Yep just one more name to add to my growing list of titles....


Son


Brother


Boyfriend


Blogger


Laser-disc stockholder!


Person of interest in an ongoing murder investigation?


and


now Uncle!!!


Its exciting! 


Cause its my first uncling!! (Do people say that?)


Anyways..... I slipped on my baby thinking slippers....

These ones...
And I put this quick post together.....
For you Patrick and Danielle

So congratulations on your little one........ 

You finally have someone to make all your own!!

Someone to go cruising around with.....

.....wherever you want to go!!!

Seriously...... wherever!!

Someone to teach things to...

Whatever those things are that are most important?

You have someone to make you laugh...  

And someone to teach sports to...

And you know.... someone to take funny photos with....

No matter how inappropriate?

But I joke.... I'm proud of you both... and happy.
 Joseph is in good hands..... and I have a strong uncling that your family garden will only continue to grow...... and yes I did say garden! 
Why?

Cause  "Baby's Being Planted" photos are all the rage!! 
Who knew?

So... that's it for today everybody...
Happy procreating....
and remember .... when it comes to babies...... your in control!!!!
Why?

Cause they cant do anything about it!!!
Blog ya'll later!

A letter to the past

Alright.....
So I noticed on another blog recently, that occasionally some bloggers write letters to their younger selves...


Apparently its a therapeutic way to deal with the past?
And after speaking to my court ordered counselor I have decided to do the same as well....
So here we go....


Dear little Steve,


Hey you little ass!


Its me!


Future you!


Shut up and listen!


I have a few things you need to hear...


And if you listen..... this just might save you some serious grief and extreme humiliation.....


First off..... I understand growing up is gonna be hard for you....

You're gonna be confused about oh so many things?

And theirs gonna come a time when you decide making people laugh is something you think you are good at..... 
And then one day you are gonna think it would be funny to take some "creative"  photos of you and dads car? 


Listen up....
Please please......

Dont!!!

You are gonna regret it!!!! Trust me!!


And then there's gonna come a time when you decide "you want to to be more like the other kids"..... and try out for a team at school.....

Can you maybe rethink dance team?
Seriously!!

Oh ya.... forget volleyball also!!
You're not gonna end up being very good!!

Are you paying attention?


Well I have some helpful suggestions... if you listen!!


Like remember how you struggled getting good grades in science class.......


And how you decided to cheat!


Well Im fine with the cheating... of course?


But knowing what I know now..... cheat off the girl in the pink skirt!!!

Cause she had ALL the answers!!

Oh and here's a good one! There will be a weekend in high school when you get asked to join the debate team on an overnight trip....

 GO ON THAT FREEKIN TRIP!!!! 


Why? 

Cause debate girls are easy!! 
I know.... who knew? 
I thought they just argued?

Oh and speaking of highschool..... when you are a freshman.... and the seniors ask you to join them for "a cool kids meeting" in the boys locker rooms!!!

Dont go!! They dont think your cool!!

What else?


Oh ya.... how could I forget!


Listen carefully dummy.... when it comes time for your senior photos....

Please rethink that stupid shirtless idea!!!

Anyways...... finally will come prom night. 
A night that could be magical...... but listen close!!!!

Bobby "Opportunist" Smith is gonna ask DeDee "Boobs" McGee to the prom on March 4th....
So ask her before he does... idiot!!!

or else you will end up going with....

.....Jenny "Dyebrows" Mulcher... 

and it will suck!!!


But whatever....... eventually your gonna graduate.


I know Im as shocked as you are reading this.....


First off ....

Spell it right!!!!

And then get ready for college......


But...... maybe I we'll save that letter for another day....

Cause I have a lot to share with you!!

Sincerely,
Future You


and blog ya'll later