The Halloween Post

Happy Halloween Everybody! 

That favorite holiday of Prozac popping neighborhood goth kids everywhere is finally here!!

Yep that special day Wiccans everywhere circle on their calendar.

A day filled with increasingly shrinking costumes.....

A day that now even has its own closing ceremony..... 
...... or as many call it the next morning...
"The Walk of Shame Parade"  

 a day to forget your O.C.D. medication... 
and decorate..... your way!!

A day to visit a haunted house .....
or a Walmart super sale.... really cant tell by this picture?

A day to make the biggest pile of halloween candy possible....

By whatever means necessary.

A day to fight crime...... then take a second to catch your breath..... then fight crime again.

A day to finally be naked in the ball pit... without the cops getting all involved..

A day to dress up your animals.

Or your kids....
I would have gone with the menthol's personally?

It's a day to paint your face creatively....

Or get creative painting other parts..... 

Its a day to finally unveil your "fart pants"!
Like this guy, who sources say went home alone, did....

Its a day to make a human centipede costume....
Wait!!!!! There is no acceptable day to ever make one of these!!!
 Completely disregard this photo and NEVER date this woman!!

 ...... Its a day for tricks.....

And a day for treats....

Its a day perfect for letting your kid out of its cage.....

Or for finally breaking out that weirdly inappropriate Halloween costume.

But whatever this holiday is to you..... just enjoy it....
 with the ones you love.....

Or I guess the ones you don't......

And think of those weird Emo neighbor kids......

Cause after tonight..... they have a full year of very
"uncomfortable holidays" ahead of them. 

.... Happy Halloween everybody.... and blog ya'll later.

The Rich People Defense

So our financial institutions have been under alot of scrutiny lately.... from the bank bailouts to the recent Occupy Wallstreet campaign. People are upset! And people are blaming the rich for being a big part of the problem ..... however for me....  I felt like nobody has heard from those upper 1% of Americans... 

Whats their side of the story? Everybody is quick to criticize the bankers or the creative pyramid scheme builders or the "evil CEO's"....  but maybe they are struggling with the economy too.... So.... and luckily for my readers.... it just so happens that I'm actually a member of that upper 1% of America.... Yep its true Im freekin filthy rich...... 

You see I made a fortune in "baby seal burgers"  Huge in Iran thank you very much .... Anyways...  I decided is was time to tell our story.... of the many sacrifices we "crazy rich people" have made .... and its time for them to be shared with you..... the worthless little people... enjoy....




Now I cant speak for everybody.... but for me.....   this economy has been really hard. Sadly it has forced me to make some big changes at home.... So much so, that I recently had to downgrade the size of my house.

Oh whoops.... not MY house (I'm expanding that).... what I meant to say was..... My dog Fifi's house....... poor little guy's roughing it  these days......

As for my house...  I put in another jet hanger.... I think it makes it feel just a bit cozier... don't you think?

Back to the suffering. You see that's just the tip of MY iceberg (ya I bought one just so I could say that... so worth it)........ These days things are really bad.  Recently my off-shore bank account dipped under a billion for the first time... "I'm living my nightmare" I screamed. It was in that moment I decided I had to start saving... I had to re-billionize!  So I started off by selling some of my less necessary possessions.... Lots of things. I even sold my favorite gold toilet!!!

and had to replace it with a 100% SILVER one!! The horror!
 I just know I'm gonna be the laughing stock at the next polo match.....

Which speaking of... I decided I had to downgrade..... Thankfully segways are much cheaper than prize polo horses these days... Though in truth I kinda did make a couple dollars off of the sale of my steed...

Hey don't judge..... Times are tough  ..... And you know what... I like to think that my horse "Filly Cheesesteak" would have wanted it that way!

What else?  Oh ya... I cut out going to those 7 star resorts .... In fact a bunch of us struggling "wealthies" were forced to completely rethink the way we vacation. 

By private plane-pooling. Ugh!!
Man if my great uncle would've seen this.....  He would've rolled over in his platinum and bejeweled casket!!!! 




And that wasn't it. We have been vacationing where the poor people or "The Cretans" as we call them go ..... And it is so weird!!! We get so many dirty looks? It's almost as if they can tell we were rich... and I personally don't know how? 


But whatever..... here's a couple great photos of my friends on our vacations......

Here's my buddy Brock Appleton III with Jade

 And my polo buddy Dermot Davenport here with Kiki... 


Lets do lunch soon guys!!!






But back to my intense suffering ...... 
Lets see... Oh I forgot to mention.... I was recently forced to downgrade one of my cars ...

From 24 to 18 carat!!!

 And then I even bought an economy car as my
 "get around the gated community" vehicle.

And then things took a turn for the worse. I had to layoff some of my more expensive employees...

And hire minimum wage "human chess" player replacements... and you know.... it just cheapened the whole game for me... so I don't play much anymore.

And speaking of cheaper...
 I made one final change... to the cheaper kind of caviar....

 But it was not nearly as good... and I sighed...
the economy had won.
Side note-Lots and lots and lots of goldfish were harmed in the making of this can.



 I had reached my breaking point... and that's when it hit me.... You see I was used to a certain standard of living... People NEEDED me to live wealthy.... I needed to re-rich myself but for THEM!!! 

And all it took was some soulless searching and.... "Aha!!" I exclaimed.  I had a brilliant plan......I would simply give myself a huge bonus from some of that extra bank bailout money.... and wammo PROBLEM SOLVED....I mean it was free money right? And every other CEO was doing it!!


And then since I was on a roll I decided to cancel employee Christmas bonuses again this year... More money for me!!! ANOTHER PROBLEM SOLVED. "This is genius... they should be happy to just have a job!"... and I could use some pocket change..... Woohoo!!!


Oh......  wait..... wait....  this post was supposed to be about how hard we have it these days too...... Well...... um.......... I can say... That those decisions weighed very heavy on me.. "Look at what you made me do economy!" is one of the many things you could have heard me screaming while I was shopping for a my new polo horse "Horse-Radish".

But whatever.....Basically the moral here is the next time you poor little people think about how hard you have it..... Maybe you should stop to think about what the rich rest of us are going through...... cause we have had many many a sleepless hour over all of this....


..... I am the 1%...... and blog ya'll later

Weekend in Denver

Just a quick one today. 
So I spent the weekend in Denver and Boulder, Colorado. It was great ...In fact both cities are now a couple of my favorite spots. And come to think of it....  much better than the last town I visited.  You know judging by the name I totally expected a sexier kinda "romantical visit" .....

Sadly not so much....
 It is however almost a mecca for the "working women" if you know what I mean.....

and if you dont.....

Well here's one........
 "She had a heart of gold though".... one source taking a really really long shower afterwards told me?

But whatever.... I went to a game at the University of Colorado... Which was great.... and even better was when they run their buffalo around the field before the game and at halftime.....

Thats Ralphie the buffalo ... their Mascot..... and probably one day... their future burger meat.

But it got me re-appreciating what a great mascot can be.... So much better than some....

For example this guy.... Who sadly cant mascot within 500 feet of any school since "the incident"

But overall it was a good trip. I got to meet my ladies friends.... Who were all nice enough and I like to think I fit right in........

Kinda like this guy did.
Sidenote- This guy took first prize in Personality Building.

So to sum it all up today......
Colorado- great
The town of Intercourse- deeply disappointing
Ralphie the buffalo- delicious
The Roofy Mascot- cant remember
oh ya and Bodybuilding-  still creepy as hell




Blog ya'll later

Patrick's Gaddafi Picture Post

It's been a while since I've done a picture post, but recent events have inspired me.  I have received, from an unnamed source, exclusive pictures of the rebels just moments after they found and killed Gaddafi!  Take a look:

Even on his way out he was making fashion history!

Nomore Gaddafi.... The Kinda Real Story

We break from the norm today to discuss breaking freekin news. Gaddafi the ex-Libyan dictator has been killed.  Yup.... he was found in a hole.... Apparently he didnt study up enough on what happened to Saddam when he was in his hole..... but whatever. 

And so the Libyan people rejoiced today. 


You see, Rebels had already  months before, seized what little power the fallen leader had left by taking over his home.... There they spent countless hours swimming in the ex-dictators abandoned tear-water pool. Cannonball!! And just when they were about to run out of that delicious dark "tastes like chicken"  camel meat in Gaddafi gold fridge.... they started to feel empty inside...  Something didn't feel right... Still there was no blood. And they NEEDED Gaddafi dead..  

Well on October 20th  (and after many kinda weird celebration sign choices) they finally got their vengeance. Sources told this blog its official.... Moammar Gaddafi is now Nomore......  Gaddafi.... and I for one am very happy for that. He was truly a horrible man. But rather than focus on all the bad stuff here on this blog, I though we could look back and remember him our way.........

As the snappy dresser he was......
  And what a fashion sideways man he really was....

He was simply a man always looking to impress. 
Like here..... I betcha Obama was feeling crazy under dressed that day?  So score one for Gaddafi!!!

And then here.... wearing this.... thing.....

Side note- You know who could always pull off wearing a kinda tiger striped mumu after labor day?
uh....  That scamp Gaddafi always could...

As the years went on, Gaddafi... or....  "One man looking to change the world with a wardrobe" as he was known in certain terrorist sewing circles... became almost obsessed with finding "his look". 


A look, he hoped,  that would one day help him get cast on his favorite show.......

.... and then he could finally let that 
"little dictator underneath" out to perform!!! 
(not a penis reference)

But sadly he would never make it on the show. He just didn't make the cut...... Plus they said his choice of camera makeup made him look "cheap and whorish"....

He was crushed.... Devastated!  Being that fashion and dictating was all he new.... He turned to the people closest to him... Rekindling that "fashion joy".... but in others.  Like the time he upgraded the fashion level in all his bodyguards...

  By hiring super attractive models to protect him!
(And no.... This isn't a joke!! He actually did this!!!)
It's just another example of his pure dedication to fashion
   that made such perfect sense to him....

But....  in truth....  you know what else makes kinda a lot of sense??..... How easily those rebels broke into his compound!


 whatever.... lets move on.......

Back to the fashion..... You see for him it was always about the clothes...... and the killing ...... but always right back to the clothes... that defined him....

In fact he was starting to get his friends interested in beauty and fashion before they met untimely deaths.... as well.
And NO!! Saddam didn't even place!

And that's it... A bad man he was (of course).... but I like to think a little bit more..... and I hope this helps to put that side of him into some sort of perspective..... So as we say goodbye to Gaddafi.... I think we should take a quick second to remember who his death now most affects......

The makers of the ugly couches out there....

And the creators of the "hideous curtains"  as well....

Cause now there's just no need for anyone to buy them just for their fabric......

blog ya'll later