Happy New Years!

Happy New Years!

This is how the Mad Man spent his New Years Eve..how about you??

The Year in Rewind #4 How to get Rid of A Gold Digger

As we continue to look back at the year on this blog... we come to a post that's close to my heart. You see.... my family had an actual gold digger enter our lives this year and.... well..... we handled it this way. With an educational little post on how to get rid of that gold digger in your world. 


( my brother and his accountants favorite post of the year)


September 6th

So I interrupt my top ten ways to spice up your sex life posts to bring you something a bit more personal.... so bare with me. You see my brother recently ended a "relationship?" with a gold digger. You all know the kind..... Someone who enters your world and claims to be all into you.... but secretly is just all about your bank account. 

I know what you are thinking.... "Is he o.k.? Them gold diggers can be viscous." 
He is...  thanks for asking.... But how exactly did he end it? Cause as we know.. a gold digger can be hard to trap and often harder to get rid of ... Well.... Im gonna share just that with you... Ready? Here it is ......  a few easy steps to get rid of that digger in your life.. 


1. First identify suspect person as a true gold digger. Its normally very easy.... just look for the signs.... 

For example marrying the rich and deathly ill....

2. Then once identified.... let it slip you have stashed a huge pile of cash and family jewels... somewhere in the house?

3. Doing o.k. so far? Alright! Now.... choose a door to be painted gold... preferably a basement door... or any door that leads to the outside!

4. And put a sign on it that says "gold inside... keep out!"

5. Now its just time to wait.... trust me it wont take long... your digger will eventually get curious and open that door.... 


When they do.... quickly slam it shut and lock it behind them.... 

5. Its that easy.......Sure it might take a slight push? but whatever...
 Now..... what is behind the gold door is up to you. Obviously it could be simply the door outside.... 

but we can do better than that... cant we?

Maybe its the basement door ?

and the basement stairs have seen better days?

or maybe its the old trapdoor..... 

 into a cage.....

"caged digger"

or...maybe... just maybe..... its just a door to absolutely nowhere.

Any which way you are now free of your gold digger... like we are...


But remember.. if you decide to go the "cage a gold digger" route..
Make sure to taunt .......
blog ya'll later

The Year in Rewind part 3- In my brain!

All right continuing the look back at the odd year we had on this blog.... brings us to this strange post.... One that I like to think may completely change your view on barbecuing...... Anyways enjoy "The Inside the Mind Post" ... (a favorite of my legal team)


June 21st


So I have decided to do something totally different today.... something Ive never done before. We are going to literally step inside the Mind of a Madman.... Hear some of my thoughts (dear god).... Sorry ahead of time!...  Cause I don't know....  it just might get a little weird.... And grab a flashlight... It gets freekin dark in here!!!

Im hungry


Im really hungry

Cant wait for the burgers to be done


But why do I have to cook em?


This stupid vegan patty is totally falling apart

I hope Jenny doesnt show up

Oh man!!! She's here!

She's looking good 

but why wouldn't she return my calls? 

Whatever! Better turn the burgers

I probably shouldn't have any more beer... gettin saucy

this beers good!!

Oh no!!  She's coming over here!

hey Jenny

you are right..... I am within 50 feet

I will leave after the burgers.. I promise


Man she was kinda mean

hold it together dont cry

shes walking away. whew!

better flip the burgers

oh man I dropped one

the ground is filthy

nobody saw!


pick it up

burgers are ready everybody

oh here she comes again

uh....this special burgers for you Jenny

Time to go before shes tastes the rocks and the dog hair

Man I love BBQ's!

And this concludes our quick look into the mind of a madman. Was there a lesson there?.... I think so. Basically never mess with a scorned cook!


(In fact... this post was recently sponsored in part by angry pissed off and recently single cooks everywhere!)

blog ya'll later

I wonder if people read this blog naked?

Im hungry

Time to turn off the stupid computer!

The Year in Rewind Part 2- The Ex Review

Continuing with our look back at the weird year that it was... here on this blog..... brings us to one of my most personal posts. You see I reviewed my ex-girlfriend. Sure it was a kinda recklessly emotional thing to do... but also strangely rewarding .... So with that said.... 
The Review of my Ex!


March 4th

I wasn't sure what I wanted to review today......a restaurant?....a TV show ( I seriously love Community people)?.....or maybe the new Radiohead album..... then it hit me....I should review my most recent ex!!!! People reviews are awesome....and helpful for maybe future friends or daters of these people.....right? Right! That said....here we go.......

Lets call her Vicky. I met Vicky where I meet most of the women I date......online chat rooms of course..... I was ROTFL-ing at a comment she made on the Ashley Madison website. We quickly were lol-ing and tmi-ing deep into the night. The next step was to meet............

We met at Portlands naked bike ride.........best first date idea.........um.........because of the pure freedom you feel biking the way god intended...........of course............and I knew we had chemistry the moment she said " um Steve...my eyes are up here"........a couple bikerides and a serious raspberry on my backside later we were together.......

She was great..... she cooked for us.... a new type of food I hadn't tried yet.....called Gluten Heavy....very flavorful. We could talk about anything. I told her of my dream to be a psychic doctor with my motto being "my mind is my scalpel" and she told me of her recurring dream of a threesome with somehow four people? I tried to explain that that would be a foursome but we somehow got lost in the math of it. Lost in the love....




We enjoyed creating games together....It was the old top hat guy in the library with the funny bone (our monopoly/operation/clue combo) .....or our twister jenga combo which Im no longer legally allowed to comment on...

We loved to dance....we would go out to the clubs and became known for our synchronized dance moves. We would spend hours practicing new routines like our cabbage patch/ driving the bus routine... or the far less popular running man/ playing                                      tether ball routine....


We were quite a pair.

We started talking about the future. Getting married....maybe starting a sea monkey farm or starting a sweat shop for underprivileged youth ....Our life was almost perfect.....That was until IT happened....but I think I will save that for mondays post....Im a little too emotional right now.........

The Year in Rewind #1

Its the end of the year.... so.....  I thought over the next couple days we could look back at a couple of posts that made the year (on this blog anyways) the strange year it was... Here's one of my therapists favorites.

June 8th

So way back before this blog.... I was a musician. I was a singer/guitarist/mime in a band in town. I have since retired my pleather pants....... however I do occasionally still write songs for other artists ...... (sometimes they even listen to em).... Anyways to stay sharp I occasionally go by the park or the library or the nearest tractor pull and do a little people staring.... er.... watching...... and then try to write some lyrics based on the people I see. I thought I would share one with you today. Here is this one I wrote recently from the point of view of this nice old gentleman (Joe) I saw as he was sitting on a park bench....

.... I sit and I sit
And I watch this whole town
Sometimes the newspaper
Shields my frown








I take notes while I watch
My focus is strong
Do they walk at a fast pace
 Or just shuffle along



And then I spot her
Headed my way
Walking all perky
Enjoying her day




I grab hold of the bench
Now she's bout to pass by
Then I kick out my leg
And profanities fly




Her feet leave the ground
Then the ground gets a face full
And it isn't that pretty
And it isn't that graceful

Shes stunned and shes crying
Shes scraped up her knee
I say "What an accident"
but I planned the whole scene


Now did I feel bad
 Or have any regret  
Had I only kicked harder
.... ah the distance I'd get

Crazy Joseph in no way condones this reenactment. In fact we read this to him...... and his review was deemed unprintable and darkly inappropriate.  Regardless.... this is dedicated to Crazy Joe.
            In loving memory 1938 to 2011

The Christmas Day Picture Post

 Merry Christmas everybody!!!! 


Here's hoping you all are getting absolutely "topped off" with the holiday spirit this year.....

Isn't it amazing how refreshing that can feel?

Here at this blog... we too are off enjoying the holidays with friends and families.... and our therapists as well....


So I will keep it very brief today.


Here's just a couple holiday wishes for you all....  from us.......


First off...... we wanted to wish that every single one of you all...  receive EVERY gift you hoped you get.

And then maybe some you didn't expect to get.
Like our Aunt Fran did... who once again  "Will be missed!"

 Also we would like to wish you all a relaxing & stress-free holiday. 
And that you don't allow anything to bum you out during this most special holiday time! 


Like maybe that office Christmas party you attended last week?


You know what I'm talking about!!!!


Just let it go..... cause remember.....

You have all year to learn how to look people in the eyes again!

Side-note.... for any of you thinking about pulling off the classic "Naughty copy machine photo" at next years Christmas party...... PLEASE remember...

... that copy machine glass was not designed to support your weight! 

Moving on.........


What else? 


Well here's a wish..... that....  you all got a chance to make your own fun personalized Gingerbread house this season....

No matter how massive..... and amazing...

Or creative.....

or basically just morally questionable?

Joking aside we just really want to wish you all a happy and safe Christmas this year...... 


And to remind you that this time of year is the perfect time for so many things....... like for example..... getting even with your worst enemies! 


Why you ask?

Cause...  it's the only time of year you can eat that freekin evidence!!!!
(evil minty-fresh laughter)

And on that note.... Merry Christmas everybody...... 


Oh ya.....  we intended to do a holiday card this year.... but didn't.


 So just accept this one (from this family I found)...... as one from the collective all of us here at this blog...... 


Cause for me... I think it sums up 2011 absolutely perfectly....


blog ya'll.... um.....

later.....

Merry Xmas!!!!!

Kim Jon Il Remembered Our Way

We break from the planned Christmas post today for BREAKING NEWS. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has passed away at the age of "Undeterminable". Which continues a bad couple of years for world dictators everywhere. 

 "It is quite a blow to our upcoming World Dictator Summit" the increasingly nervous Iranian dictator and Terrorism 3D  aficionado Mamhoud Ahmadinejad said.




 "Im not sure we will be able to field a full camel polo match this year." he went on to say...

You see Kim Jong's death comes at a time when he was making huge strides to modernize North Korea sources tell the blog. And really put North Korea in the forefront of modern technology...


 And according to recent satellite imagery....

They could seriously use it!!!!

This also comes at a time when he finally had perfected his army...

And apparently their love of girly high kicks?

However in all serious...  he died of a massive heart attack on a train! Which if you have ever seen any of the trains in that region of the world...

It just kinda makes sense!

But whatever..... he will be remembered as a dictator who really loved a good train ride.... 


Cause he had so much fun with them. Like this sign he put up at a nearby train station..... for his more American tourists....

What a joker!!!

But let me leave you all with this today.


After much research we have uncovered a photo of the ACTUAL TRAIN that caused his heart to BURST through his chest.... 


And after exhaustive review of it we here at this blog... we totally understand why. Which one?

This one!
Man he never stood a chance!

Rest in Hell Kim Jong Il
and blog ya'll later

The Best and Weirdest Pictures of Christmas

Ah Christmas-time...... What a magical magical time? One of my favorite times of the year..... and you know there is just so much to celebrate each holiday season.... 


And that's exactly what this post is about.... 
a little bit of everything......  Christmas.


But let's start first with decorating.... Cause I for one enjoy the heck out of a creative holiday decorator! 
.....  like for example this guy .......

Who my sources tell me is still seriously out of breath......

But hey it could have been much worse!!!!

 This guy actually DIED blowing up his
 "front yard inflatable wonderland!"

But whatever...... It's a season to embrace all things Christmas..... 
Like watching those "unique" holiday classic movies....

Like Jack Frost.... always one of my favorites! Though Im sad to report the sequel was just not as believable as the first one!

Speaking of terrible and less believable sequels.... did you know this existed? Wow!  I almost have to watch this shipwreck.... Cause didn't the boat sink and everybody die at the end of that last one. I mean where can the plot possibly go from there???

But lets get back on track...... 
Back to the season that first introduced us to mistletoe.... 
And I for one am hoping all of you found that perfect place to hang some this year......






Wait!!!


You probably think Im gonna do some sort of a mistletoe on a crotch kinda picture dont you...... 


sickos.....


Come on.....


We're better than that here!!!

Nope.... sadly were not!

Moving on......
Christmas is also about giving gifts!!! And every once in a while finding the perfect gift for your someone special! 
And this year.... I think I might just have found that absolutely perfect gift for my grandma!

Shes gonna love it!!!

It's almost as good as last years gift I got for my favorite uncle Reggie...

Who loved it so much he was speechless.... for days!!!!

Oh and here's a wrapping tip for you all present wrappers out there......

Use duct tape!!! Why?
Cause it's hilarious to watch your more arthritic relatives open those tape encased packages!

What else?
Well apparently according to Google Christmas is the best time to try out that holiday inspired hairstyle?

And it's also that perfect time of the year to dream big..... and be a little selfish. You should totally go ahead and ask for that gift you have been really really wanting all year long....

Like this lady did.

Um speaking of family....It's also a time to gather the family together for that perfect Christmas photo......

No matter how regrettable and oddly matching?

And sit around a nice cozy fire.....

in the middle of your living room.....

Maybe for you it's time for one of those Christmas sweaters... 
Like this one....
Which if you remember a couple posts back we had our first look at....

Remember her......

Well her style is catching on..............

Unfortunately!

Anyways ...... that's it for today.....
Soak up everything Christmas everybody....... 
And allow me to leave you with one more thing that I personally love about Christmas... 
Making homemade ornaments....

Or maybe more just spray painting stuff you have laying around......

blog ya'll later everybody