Resolution #8 of 10 Ghosts, aliens, yeti....Gonna see something amazing

Resolution #8 To see something freakin amazing.....Like a ghost.....seriously this year is the year this happens. How? allow me to explain........


Lets start with ghosts.......Personally I don't believe......Now I'm not ruling out the possibility......but the idea that when people die their spirit floats around in this limbo world.......and in this other realm they have these "other dimensional" powers but........ they choose to spend their time banging cupboards and blowing breezes on the 13th steps of stairs??? Really? ....um.... if I could float around and move things.....you better believe you might find me at Dick Cheney's messing with him.....or maybe at the Playboy mansion or checking out what really goes on at Area 51....speaking of aliens.....


.....If you know me or read these blogs....you will know....I believe!!!!!!! And I believe our government knows.... and is covering up the knowledge of little green men....And no... I don't go to Star Trek conventions......or even Alf conventions.....though maybe I would........but lets not get started on that......... Are they already here? Yes! Are they probing us? Do you think they would fly zillions of miles just to "test" us in our most delicate areas? Really?........ well..... thinking about it....maybe......They could be just freaky space deviants.... banished from their home world like the plot line of some bad 50's B movie..... just to fly around the galaxy looking for some morally loose civilization. Kinda makes sense they would like Earth........add in the fact that I have never heard of an abduction is Amish country....makes it seem more possible....as a prediction I expect to hear of lots of Hollywood abductions soon.....


Mermaids.......um living in Portland I won't have much of a chance to hit the open sea.....however rumor has it that they occasionally get stuck going up those fish ladders....so might be a good place to start


Leprechauns...........sitting with the pot of gold....well seeing as how we won't see any sun for awhile....that hunt is on hold


Sasquatch.......here in the Northwest.....one of the best possible chances to see an amazing creature. Hmm but how? Obviously go deep in the woods and look for big footprints...specifically catch a scent of something kinda "ripe" and then look for a hairy creature stumbling around.....Actually.... sounds like dating in France....... mental note....hire a French tracker.......


Discover a new Bermuda triangle ...one here in Oregon .....and see what happens when you pass through it......My guess is you would be transported back a few years to a hazy place where lots of lost vehicles are.......specifically VW vans......... and ......... everyone is playing music cause everyone is in a band......and nobody really has a job....wait a second I'm just in Eugene.... never mind


or see a Vampire- Um ....they dont exist and if they do.......according to recent films they just want to date you anyways...so I'm not interested


So many amazing creatures and things.......I am gonna see one for sure.....Gonna get the first photo of a snipe, or see a double rainbow, or maybe travel to Salt Lake City and stumble upon the first ever Vasectomy clinic there.....so many possibilities.....Or  maybe I will see a meteor crash down before me.....and then.....well......guess thats it.........then its just a rock in the ground..........but what if it landed on a unicorn......That would be freakin amazing!!!!!!!

Resolution 7 of 10....to date a celebrity....

Resolution 7 of 10.....to date a celebrity.  I have thought about this long and hard and I believe this is totally attainable....I have compiled a list of ways to get a celebrity interested in coming home with you ....Now obviously not everyone can find romantic sparks at the African baby pickup window.....you may have to step your game up...... past your usual date night of Fudruckers and pinball...........all right...... . you ready.....cause in no time flat you could be eating caviar and yellin at the "normal people"...... Here's how you get em home.....


First you meet them. 


Look for them at red carpet events or boat christenings or... I have success at....... those weird rooms of like 100 mirrors at carnivals...I find them in bunches there....posing and whatever........ Anyways walk up to them and then invite them out. Here's how.......


1 promise them you have a full medicine cabinet


2.tell them you installed a Botox fountain- they will be so excited..... just not facially.


3. If they are scientologists you could ...you know...... never mind....just tell them to leave...they're weird


4. Tell them you run a support group for people who have unfortunately been photoed panty-less getting out of the car


5.Promise them you have this amazing script thats perfect for them.....and yes the nudity is important to the plot line


6.Tell a musician celeb you think they should act/ and an actor you think they should sing.....they will definitely be into  that.....this one is hard to say with sincerity ....cause we all know thats about the last thing the world needs


7. Tell em your a Scorsese


8. ask them to join you in trashing a hotel room....bonus points for hitting the pool with the TV


9. or my favorite introduce yourself as an Oscar voter....and "the job you did in that third Weekend at Bernie film was mesmerizing!!"


NOW the rest is up to you. When your out on your date.....couple hints.........punch someone with a camera and tell your date "Don't you hate the paparazzi"....... even though its not them...Sorry soccer mom!!!!....... Also speak about yourself in the third person "sheeeesh....Steve is so over it. The computer is so yesterday".....or....uh....borrow someones lapdog and at the restaurant make a scene about how they so overcooked Fluffy's steak. The bastards!!!!..... Basically be ridiculous and maybe just maybe.....if all goes well.....and love takes you over.....you may have yourself a little baby "Apple" or "River" or "Rain" or what you should really name your baby.......cute little baby "Paycheck"....

Resolution #6 of 10....to act older.......

Resolution #6 To act older ..... Its true I have been a bit wild for .....well.... my whole life. Its been fun.....Lots of great moments, excellent friends and fun times. Some admittedly overly wild moments, but the courts couldn't ever prove anything....thanks Judge Judy......so..... I have decided in 2011...to change my colors........To act all calm and older and I guess calm again....and let this new resolution into every part of my life....... Eventually the new me will filter down to my blog.....and I think that could be a good thing....for everyone.......Look forward to these upcoming....and riveting post ideas......


The weather were having

Should I or shouldn't I bring a jacket

Whens is it to late for regular..... and time for decaf....or I'll be up all night

How I can't figure out the remote controls...wait didn't I do that one

How I'm becoming more and more forgettable


The did you feel that draft post

The you know I'm kinda liking country music these days post

The nap post....


Basically I'm gonna settle down into a routine and its gonna be good.  Occasionally I'll go out for a big night .... maybe dinner at The Olive Garden and dessert (I'm so bad) or maybe a movie (and yes I will take butter on my popcorn...I'm terrible)... but right back to the routine.  I will even get some plants.... you know I think they even grow better to country music......I could get some cats...get really into the crossword puzzle..... I'm definitely going to become a sweatsuit guy.....sorry I'm just brainstorming here....... maybe I should start including my middle names initial when I introduce myself  too.... you know to be taken more serious...... or get really involved in my yard work....begin to complain how "There is just never enough time!".............Wow.. I'm excited.... this is going to change everything......


Blog at you later guys
Sincerely,
Stephen D. Bailey

Resolution #5 of 10 To coin a new word...

Resolution #5 To coin a new word........Now anyone can make up a new word but can you get it to catch on? Thats the real challenge I guess........Ive tried before with words like sadlaugh (where something is so funny you cry a little) or futurecon (where just by looking at someone you know where they will be spending the next 5 to 10).......I ventured into the land of shortened computer symbols.......... with T.S.S. (these symbols suck) but only one person used it.... in a message back to me ....." Hey your new symbol is just T.S.S.(too sarcastic Steve) so go T.S.S. (Try stupid somewhere-else)....so I quickly abandoned that.......So here today I am resolved to try out new words in these blogs and hopefully one day one will stick........ Todays word is mulletable.... (definition---someone with such poor taste their decisions rival choosing a mullet as a hairstyle......origin Northwest America--- probably at a bad country music show or near a backyard wrestling ring......used in a sentence...Billy arrived at the dinner party wearing jean shorts and a very mulletable fishnet tanktop.).........

Resolution Post #4 of 10 To figure out the remote controls

Resolution #4 of 10 To figure out once and for all.... how to use all the damn remotes......Seriously seriously frustrating!!! How can I go to someones house..... hop on their computer.....and have no problem surfing the web......but I housesit for someone .....and without their written manuscript entitled....."IF YOU WANT TO WATCH A DVD... HERE ARE THE 8 STEPS YOU GOTTA DO...P.S. GRAB SOME WATER....YOU MAY NEED TO TAKE A BREAK IN THE MIDDLE" ..........I end up watching a movie but with the audio from some show on TV!!! It sucks....I must admit every once in a while there is a winning combo...... Planet Earth and Sportscenter (surprisingly great)  or any slasher movie and Miley Cyrus----VERY entertaining ........ whatever..... 9 out of 10 times I just give up........turn off the TV ( by unplugging it...cause I have no clue what button actually turns it off).... and do some light reading........Maybe this Resolution should actually be.........Resolution #4  How Im going to always remember to bring a good book when housesitting....... o ya..... if you are a subscriber to Remote Control Afficianado.... and you leave this out on your coffee table when I come to housesit.......Thats just mean!!!!!

Resolution #3 ....not to wear certain things

To not wear jean shorts at any point this year..... and yes people that does include cutting up old jeans into shorts........thats it thats the whole resolution......


well......


I guess we could include the following things .....


Bootflops (seriously google this!!), big 80's style shoulder pads, pretty much any sort of fishnet shirts, mens thongs, Hammer pants (aka parachute pants), any vest if theres nothing underneath..... pretty much any spandex most of the time..... Here's a rule...if you are asking yourself  "Can I pull this spandex off?" You can't!.......also half shirts for you fellas.....NOBODY wins there!! Especially if it shows off your lower back tattoo guys..........Any sort of Grill...you know the gold and diamond teeth covering....unless you are in a Bond movie.. Then it's cool! I would include that shirt that says Im with stupid and an arrow.........or the tuxedo T-shirt unless you are at a monster truck rally...Then it just classes up the place!

Basically I am definately no fashion icon..... If you can pull off the above more power to ya.... I have just one personal rule never to be big enough to wear a Mu Mu and if I ever do..... I promise..... to make sure imprinted on it is "Im with stupid" and the arrow pointing up!....

Resolution #2 of 10

#2 To get on TV this year. I know what you are saying. This isn't easy! Not so....Not so at all....It all depends on how bad you want it. Here in Portland you would have a very good chance if you participated in any number of weird Portland events......Santacon or maybe the naked bike ride (parts of you will be blurred out however...hopefully!).... you might protest the cutting down of trees or the saving of some rare spotted animal by chaining yourself to a tree or standing in the way of a tractor (NOTE...Do not try this if you are one of my readers from China!!!! They will just run you over........also probably my many Iran blog followers, or North Korea, etc...) Moving on....


You could also try out for a reality program. I suggest in your video interview tape that at some point you drop the line "I suffer from moral terets".  Producers love that. And maybe lie a bit...... drop this line "I totally believe you can find love in two drunk weeks with an aging rockstar and cameras all around. I find that romantic!" or "I just love to take off my shirt"..... you might be headed to Hollywood.....


Now if those things fail maybe its time to switch gears......you could try quitting your job, becoming an intern, and start dating a powerful political figure.....or....maybe you make a "sex tape".  with your loved one of course..... and accidentally allow it to fall into the wrong hands. I know what you readers are thinking...How do these tapes accidentally get made public?.... Well according to a "friend", he had this funny tape of his cat being all silly, and was gonna send it to grandma..... but ......accidentally...... sent the "sex tape". AND  instead of to grandma, he sent it to Entertainment Tonight's!! The addresses must have been very similar??!? .....See.... It could happen to anyone?!?!?  Im on your side celebrities!!!!... um.....Definitely moving on.....


There are a couple other ways that come to mind.......Faking a bridge jump, or putting yourself in a balloon and letting it float up towards the sky, or jumping in a cage at the zoo ( seriously consider like the meerkats or a tame creature.... much safer choice..... avoid penguins...surprisingly vicious.....just sayin.....) ...Or one last sure fire way may be to jump on the field at a sports game....all boozey with some letter painted on your chest and try to avoid security.( I don't recommend the letter O....serves as more of a bullseye)..... But in truth I don't really recommend any of these.....
 
The bottom line is getting on TV anymore is pretty easy and you can succeed if you try. Myself I was on TV twice last year. Once at work, for a concert thing, and once carrying a drunk girl out of a St. Patrick's day party downtown. ( save your "Sounds like Steve's dating again!" replies).... I was merely helping out a friend but I have to admit when you're girlfriend sees you carrying a drunk girl around downtown on the news....YOU ARE IN FOR A ROUGH NIGHT!!! Keep that in mind.... Happy televisioning and may they always film your good side.

Resolution #1 of 10

O.K. So I'm lagging on my big Christmas picture post. Got a little sick over the holidays ( not mentally funny people)...so it may end up being a new years things. Anyway... New Years is upon us and obviously everyone will be making a New Years Resolution or two (including me but more on that later). There are the obvious ones like dieting and loosing weight, being better with money, quitting something like drinking or smoking or crying in public, or learning something new, getting involved with helping others, or being closer to the ones you love. All good things!!! 

However I have compiled a different list. A more achievable list....Of a little more obscure resolutions....all equally important ......cause lets be honest the usual list often is just disappointing when that diet goes unrealized or your smoking again before February....... This list is weird but your gonna feel good about yourself when you succeed!!!!


1. Change how people view you...Have you been perceived a bit poorly the last few years? Well its never too late to change everyone's perception of you... Here's a couple helpful hints.. First change your appearance. Make a decision... does the soul patch need to go? What about the mullet guys? or you  ladies? What about short hair for you ladies? often means your ready to sacrifice a little bit of sexy for people to take you serious. 

And what about changing your car up a little. If you cant get a new car well then maybe people would see you more seriously, without all the stuffed animals in the back window, ladies. And uh fellas the naked lady outlined mudflaps?....just sayin!....Now if you are a guy with stuffed animals in the back window of your car.. STOP READING....you cant be helped. 

Or.....What about using facebook to help change how people see you. Instead of your usual status updates that say "Hungover as #@$!" or "Don't you hate waking up downtown in only a blouse?" How bout change to " The business deal looks encouraging"...or "Promoted to lead tenor in the church choir".....wow I'm already impressed!!!! 

Obviously there are a few other things you can do.... I like showing up out front of classy public events and asking others to snap a quick photo of me being there. You don't even need to go inside. Its great....and ya the last museum opening was "truly delightful. And Mr. Mayor you are a riot!!!!! but watch your hands!"...

Lastly change your cocktail....Maybe long islands and rounds of jaeger shots at the restaurant with your kids and the case worker sends the wrong message....Good luck! I think we will be seeing a brand new you in no time!!!!!!!


No 2 later today.....

Post #131 Christmas Eve

So its Christmas eve and for me that means a full day of scrambling. See I often wait on getting presents till the last minute .....whatever it is what it is... How else do you end up with great gifts like a huge Chevron coffee mug or a whole carton of cup of soup???? .....

I kid.....actually if anything it ends up costing me more cause I spend the whole month bragging about what a great gift I got to my girlfriend.... then in the 13th hour I usually just go to the jewelery department and say "What would you want....Miss jewelery person?" Shockingly they never point out the cheap stuff.....huh?

So once I get my gifts I have go get my fresh christmas haircut....for you ma.....cause it has been pointed out that the "homeless yeti look is out"....not downtown I say....but whatever. Looking good and with gifts in hand its time to wrap.

Now let it be known.....I hate to wrap presents....... and all you bow people out there I have but one question for you.."Why....just why?" I would totally understand it if the package was bursting at the seams and the bow served a FUNCTION.... to help keep said present from exploding outward........but you people make my presents look very third world under the tree in comparison.

Now I was gonna talk about the caroling and gingerbread houses we do next but lets be honest... at my familys christmas eve we crack open the wine and play games and have a blast....which in truth is where I excell at the holidays.... May I request no twister this year though. Grandma's too good!...Anyways to all you out there cheers...and Merry Xmas.....

P.S..I have something special planned for you people trapped in elevators with nothing better to do...er...my blog readers.....for tomorrow. I hope to complete it in time or it may be delayed a day but either way its coming.....and you cant escape it..Ha Ha HA HA Ha cough cough HA hA Ha

Post #130 Christmas Bonus Ideas

So its Christmas bonus time..... and I have heard from many people in various business fields that the economy has forced some companies to "rethink" how much they can give ....or even if they give out cash anymore at all....huh?...... well in an effort to do my part and help, I have a few ideas for you companies.....and a few ideas of what "cash alternatives" might be talked about in company boardrooms.........

                            My ideas for moneyless bonuses


Massages from the CEO's themselves....I think this would be great..."um A little lower sir"

Keys to the executive washroom, or company jet or limo, or use of the presidents personal chef....wait why didn't they do bonuses again? 

Household chores from company execs......"make sure you get behind the bowl.....mam!" or Mr. CFO I think you missed that gutter.......


Babysitting coupons from your boss..... Remember to burp the baby after your done nursing him boss!!!!

A Christmas Bonus play performed by the  H.R. department entitled...."Gonna sex me up that new hire while I wear inappropriate attire and tell dirty jokes while subjecting people to my political and religious views!" Early reviews call it "#@#!ing awesome! Loved the dance number!"


                                            or     


They could give back the video footage of you and the intern........that wouldn't suck....


                            Their ideas of moneyless bonuses

IOU's for like 50 sick days....Hey that's great....wait the fine print says unpaid!  Man!!!!!!

Extreme cubicle makeover...sweet!!!! Wait is this just crap from the basement......

Or an extended lunch hour every day..... Nice!!!     You will however be expected to start work an hour earlier though 


A sack full of groceries....Thanks....Wait is this just old food from the employee fridge....hey this is actually one of my old sandwiches. Really?????

Profit share!!!!!.......0001%... and taxed...

Or what I got...... a new assistant.......But this one came with a suspicious feeling like I was training my cheaper replacement?  

Come to think of it......Maybe I shouldn't blog about Xmas bonuses at all!!!!!  or next year I could get that ever so precious Xmas promotion.....to Head of Janitorial with a note that reads "hey funny blogger guy....cant wait to read about your Things I hate about cleaning the urinal post!!!! Followed by Ha Ha Merry Xmas ASS!!

Post # 129 The everyone I've ever slept with list.... (with pictures)

Really? You clicked on this...... shame on you!!!!!! Nobody wins with this list going public...... Just a bunch of tears and girlfriends telling each other  "You were lonely right!!!....and going through a hard time..... I know, it happened to me too....." And then lots of crying!!!!!!!!....... or...... the list includes old ladies, carnies,  the homeless and trannies ......... basically nobody wins there........except maybe for ME  ...cause for one brief minute.... I hopefully put the fear of god back into my exes!!!!!          Have a great day ladies!!!!!

Post #128 Facebook statuses sent incomplete by mistake.......

So the other day I was sending a text (cause we all know I don't call) and what I meant to say was What r u doing? but I typed what r u and accidentally sent it....and......my phone died. Well a friend was confused and sent back.... What am I? Well I'm not an !*&$%@# like you've been lately Steve............. fair enough......But I thought about this and what we have here is a potentially funny post!! So here is a quick list of bad beginnings to texts you shouldn't accidentally send and have your phone die....... followed by what the rest of the message should have been......

I swear I could kill (for a cheeseburger)

She said it was too small (for us to take home yet... but in a week or so we can take our puppy home)

Break out the whip (cream for this delicious apple pie I made)

Just got back from the doctor and it's really contagious and most people die (if you haven't had the immunization shots which I have)

Baby I met this girl (and she said she could give us a deal on our car insurance)

I'm not happy anymore (with our takeout Chinese place. I'm gonna try a new one tonight)

Hi honey I've got crabs (from the supermarket. Doesn't fresh crabcakes sound good tonight)

I'm gonna be late. It's just I don't care (to be one of those jerks that speed and swerve through traffic. That's dangerous!)

Had fun last night. Great first date. Gotta admit I cant stop watching YOU (TUBE. You were right those videos are hilarious

Hey its the babysitter. Sorry to bug you guys but I can't find the baby ('s bottle. Do you know where you keep it?) 

              or the rare double early send. This is hard to explain               your way out of fellas. For example

Babe I will call ya in a bit. I'm in the middle of this 3 way

(intersection and my GPS isn't showing me which way to turn!)

                                       followed by

I'm so getting screwed (by this GPS It's broken and I'm running late.. Man!!! But I love ya babe)

Oh well I will text you all later (the locations of the bodies)

              

Post #127 Science can do this but not that?

Today's topic.........is more an observational post. Science can, and does, do some amazing things. Technology is freakin crazy sometimes.... yet sometimes it 's surprising there are things we cant do or don't do. That said here we go.... The We Can Do This But Not That Post


We can map the human genome and figure out what diseases or personality traits a person may be more prone to but we still cant map stupid........thancfuly!


We can measure things to precision at crazy levels using things like electron microscopes yet we cant get a universal measurement for womens sizes in clothing?


Science has found that 65% of people with autism are left handed yet we have no accurate study yet of what percent of people without hands can  play catch well.....


We can listen to the sounds of deep space....zillions of miles away....with huge antennas but I can't get my AM radio station more than 30 miles outside downtown.


We can transplant organs, split apart Siamese twins, insert titanium hips and other parts into people, etc.... but we cant figure out how to better fix athletes knees?


We can tweet, email, facebook, blog, page, fax,call, text.............but nobody responds to my digital smoke signals


Science can laser correct a persons eyesight and laser off moles and tattoos......but we cant laser off that lady stache? I mean really? ( its been pointed out to me that this can be done.... but how come the people that need to know this..... don't?)


Nike can make clothes that keep you hot when your cold and cool ya when your hot, or breathe real easy, or stretch real crazy like.....but nobody has created spandex that smooths out lumps.


We can watch all these movies now in IMAX and 3D ...yet we cant upgrade most of these same films plot lines past 1D?


We can get photos miles below the surface of some crazy sea creature or deep in the rain forest of some yet identified toad (ya I watch Discovery Channel) but we can't yet photo that damn yeti.....................
Or aliens or the Lochness monster or "normal well adjusted" celebrities........ but one day..........science will and I will be there to post about it..........

Post #126: SantaCon 2010 Video Post

Post #125 Me and my enemy

What I want more than anything for Christmas is .........an enemy!!!!! Now bear with me. A lot of you are probably typing right now and offering your services......however I need more pure venom than my readers can offer. I need a true evil enemy....a really bad horrinle enemy..... Lets say he or she has the looks of a Carrot Top with a touch of Roseanne, the morals of a Charlie Sheen/Lindsey Lohan, the mouth of a Mel Gibson, the class of a Steve-O/Britney Spears, the temper of a Danny Bonaduce or a really hungry Oprah.........This would be great. My enemy could start a blog site and we could go back and forth writing mean things about each other. And I have to admit. I am clever. I couldn't be topped. This would be so much fun. Possible posts would include


Why my enemy sucks?


Evil people in history my enemy reminds me of..


Things I did with my enemy's mom  ( a picture post)


My enemy's personal information ( things like phone #, address and social security #)


Types of diseases my enemy reminds the world of


Simple concepts  my enemy cant grasp

And then I would laugh and laugh and my readers would laugh and laugh......


It would be so so readable... and funny........Now I know it wouldn't always be great... My enemy would probably get in a good shot or two.. My enemy could easily post things such as....


People who are embarrassed of Steve's post


Why Steve's exes cheated


How not even Identity thieves want Steve's Information


Uses for Steve's third nipple...


Did you know Steve was born a girl?


How I'm going to tazer Steve and then pull out his fingernails one by one... and then set fire to his house.... and then send naked photos of Steve I took while he was tazered out across the web to everyone he knows..... and then....then I'm gonna burn him and I'm gonna laugh and laugh and laugh..........o ya and then I'm gonna beat him with the laptop he uses to write his crappy blog..... and then have a sandwich....


Um .......ya.......now thinking of it....this might totally suck...the sandwich sounds good but not the rest.... It would probably end up in one final last post from me that went something like this.....


Why I'm shutting down my blog....... and moving.....


Really bad idea. To be fair I did say that  I wanted the worst of the worst. a pure evil enemy..... maybe what I really should want for Christmas is a helpless enemy... Ya that's perfect..... all I want for Christmas this year is a completely cowardly very well adjusted  not as clever as me enemy... It would make great reading.....

Post #124: Baileyleaks Part 2

So the governmental secrets are flying in.....its amazing what I am finding out. Anyways here we go another round of Baileyleaks......enjoy

Victoria Secret models proven to be animatronic

Disney made but never released a sequel to Old Yeller called  "The Rise of Yeller"

After an expensive study...its been proven not everyone can be connected to Kevin Bacon through 6 people.....some require 7 ...however shockingly there is a 5 degrees of Gary Coleman....

Siegfried and Roy proven not gay

Siegfried and Roy's boyfriends proven gay

9 out of 10 dentists agree....cavities pay the electric bill

During the filming of "The Muppets take Manhattan" two stunt-muppets were seriously injured in what one source told Baileyleaks was "very unsafe muppet-stunting!"

Rice Krispies SNAP CRACKLE and POP actually had a fourth cereal mascot TOOT....but was dropped for obvious reasons

Another study finds bad perms just as sexy as regular hair on naked women...

The Antarctica aliens we are at war with taste delicious (see Post #121)

Playboy mansion Grotto believed to be the origin of Swine Flu.... and SARS believed as well.... still studying

Antique dynamite Jenga....played in the back of a moving jeep.... on a really hot day.... by people with Parkinsons...deemed "Too dangerous" by inside source

It was Colonel Beige in the Foyer with the Vaz.....this sent in by the people from Gay Clue Wikileaks 

Totinos "Party Pizza" to be given more accurate name.... the new name "Totinos Kinda Broke, Kinda drunk, All alone Pizza"

Similar to playing Pink Floyd's "The Wall" at the same time as The Wizard of Oz, the people from Baileyleaks have uncovered the same thing can be done with Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water " and Legally Blond 2....but be warned its kinda weird....

Phone sex "painful" with rotary phones......this sent in by the people at Freakyleaks

George W. Bush's presidency will be revealed as one long episode of Punk'd

Punk'd breaks all television records for highest budget for one really long 8 year episode.... 

more to come.....

Post #123: The Twelve Days of Christmas

I decided to personalize a Christmas song for the holiday season.... I have always read that a good writer draws from experience...... that said..........

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
A test of my paternity............

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 4th day of Christmas my kinda-love gave to me...
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 5th day of Christmas my kinda-love gave to me...
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 6th day of Christmas my kinda-love gave to me...
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 7th day of Christmas my fading love gave to me...
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 8th day of Christmas my fading love gave to me...
8 male strippers...damn
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 9th day of Christmas my fading love gave to me...
My nine iron all bended
8 male strippers...damn
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 10th day of Christmas my ex-love gave to me...
10 of my friends she fondled
 She nine ironed my windshield
8 male strippers...damn
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............

On the 11th day of Christmas my ex-love gave to me...
11 my shits on the lawn
10 of my friends she fondled 
She nine ironed the stereo
8 male strippers...damn
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............ 

On the 12th day of Christmas my ex-love gave to me...
12 damn its raining!!!!!!
11 my shits on the lawn
10 of my friends she fondled
 She nine ironed my TV
8 male strippers...damn
7 slaps-a-slapping
6 months of nagging
5 faked orgasms....
4 we reconciled
3 restraining orders
2 middle fingers
And a test of my paternity............ 

Merry Christmas and Happy Caroling!!

Post #122 Tornados, Aliens and Nostradamus

So.... we had a tornado touch down here in Oregon yesterday.... along with some pretty wild weather..... I think it's safe to assume the end of days is nearing. Well.... its just like Nostradamus said  "A powerful civilization... in the age of much communicating... will see great winds of change... this will mark the beginning of the end.".... Clearly about yesterday and the tornado in Clackamas county.. He was quite the seer. Amazing stuff...... Like when he said " In the third age after the second age the vision screens will dance with lives of truth"...... Dude predicted reality TV!!!....... So I had decided to do a whole Nostradamus thing.... Nostradamus jokes with made up sayings......so I Googled him and then even tried a Nostradamus/ wikileaks search...... but somehow ended up at... TOMORROW WIKILEAKS WILL UNVEIL ALL THEIR ALIEN FILES.. WTF!!!!!!!.... ( and this is 100% true... Google it)..... early leaks have to do with an actual ongoing miniwar with said aliens..... wait for it.....here on EARTH... and that they have some sort of base in the oceans near Antarctica....... I know what you are thinking.... you have never been in the Antarctic ocean waters....me either. This just may be REAL!!!!!!! So the post we end up with is a list of all the other possible places for the aliens base...... we would never find!!!!!!


1. Iran.... haven't ever been there and don't know anyone who has.... a little curious.... just saying
2. Wherever those clever yetis have been hiding for forever.... I guess snipes as well.....
3. The Lost island obviously....... probably disguised as a dharma station....
4. The McDonalds McRib factory during the 10 months a year they aren't making them
5. At David Hasselhoffs or Mel Gibsons P.R. firms.... rumor has it they have been abandoned due to " an impossible job" sources say
6. Atlantis....... so tricky to find....... you know what.... what if Atlantis is the base!!! better wikileak this!
7. Vegas...... you know.... "what happens there......."  you know the rest
8. Dick Cheney's private hunting grounds
9. Disneyland's secret other "park"...... Skypeopleland.......
10. Biodiesel factories......seriously does anyone know anyone with biodiesel?
11.  Church of Scientology temples.....actually most likely place so far.
12. Gary Busey's mind.... whether this is where these aliens are is uncertain.... what is clear is definitely some sort of aliens reside there......
13. The Portland Trailblazers..... Offices of Hope for a Championship.... rumor has it.......totally vacant
14. pretty much any couch of a celebrity marriage counselor..... always empty....
15. The place where Tom Cruises sexuality really is.......nobody can pin that one down..... Arrow could point to anywhere
16. area 51... obviously... wait too obvious..... maybe area 52?
17. inside the world of Warcraft.... I know what you are thinking.... Not a real place..... Not according to some.... too some it really really really is!!!!!
18. or on the "Oscar shelf" of Lindsey Lohan.... fairly sure it will be empty for well.... forever... and nobody would ever think to look there!!!!!!
19.  In one of the reality show houses... where they have like the 15 kids..... so many babies running around they would never notice the alien motherbase! or Jersey Shore house.... too dumb to notice a mothership..... or The Bachelor's house... too vain to notice....
20.  and finally in Switzerland.....and they'd never tell..... cause..... well their neutral


Anyways I'm off to check on this alien thing further. Oh ya by the way Mr Douglas, my sixth grade science teacher............ Told Ya So!!!!!!!!

Post # 121 Wikileaks...er...Baileyleaks revisited with photos

So Wikileaks is all over the news....... leaked governmental secrets... well guess what......I have opened up my blog as a safe place for leaked information to be posted as well....... Having said that I would like to introduce Baileyleaks.......




The Iraqi war was not over ousting Saddam or oil as previously reported but actually over the harvesting of "spice".







Free Willy was never freed!!!







The Biggest Loser actually makes the contestants use liposuction and tapeworms!!!!!





Bed bugs are actually evolved sea monkeys..... and were released by evil sheet companies





Speaking of evil sheet companies..... I have it on good authority that 500 thread count sheets ....actually 425 count......the bastards




Violet is no longer the last color in the rainbow......replaced by mauve.........This baileyleak sent in by the people from Americas Next Top Model



Clones already walk among us..... they are called republicans!!!!!!





To be fair ........aliens walk among us too... trying to soften us up militarily for the coming invasion.... they are democrats!!! Side note...Isn't this picture freaky?




O.J. was actually innocent..................................... this sent in by the people from wikilies.... and in truth I just cant find a picture that proves this......



PMS doesnt exist...... just an elaborate ploy to explain female madness...and the dude who dates the girl with this plate....you were so warned buddy!






Iron Chef and 5 star chef Bobby Flay is ..............the next Chef Boyardee....Delicious!




Lost season 7 exists....... where they arent dead.............but in a shocking twist it was filmed before the actors were even born. And all you ending haters (Michael) it WAS emotionally satisfying...or maybe your just dead inside!!



One Muppet died during the making of "The Muppet Movie"... Shoulda been Fozzy!





There actually is something to the" I stayed at a holiday inn express last night"... scientists currently investigating..... Heres a thought. Maybe its the bedbugs.......



D.J.ing confirmed after extensive study to actually be "playing records". Sent in by the people from wikiwikiwikileaks...... I knew it!!!



Prostitution not the oldest profession..... scientists have discovered.....  politician actually older.... but also very similar in duties the study has found




              and lastly the internet........ shockingly created by the Amish


        more to come...........soon........

Post #119: Scott's Holiday Ho-down

It was the christmas party last night...eggnogg and ham....and Feed bags (oh just nevermind)....... We toasted to the holidays and everyone looked real nice..... As my mom gracefully told me I "came casually underdressed".......thanks.......wait? And I will be real honest..... there was a surprising amount of single people.......and for a bit I thought we were going to have a "Secret of My Success" style situation.... everyone running from room to room like one of the hornier episode of Scooby Doo......you would have thought there was missletoe hanging all over the house.....huh Christine......huh Lyndsey..... Kegs and hookas and saucy attempted lapdances and SHUFFLEBOARD.....It had a certain Craig Tidwell party vibe to it....love ya brother!...  I feel compelled to change the name of this first annual party to Scott's Holiday Matchmaking and Fuzzy Morning Holiday Ho-down!!!.....pretty much sums it up!!!....Oh ya I am officially RSVPing for next year today........and did I mention this was his official "work party". A write off for work!!!!!! Gotta remember to get his CPA's number!........
 
I forgot to mention....I have committed to traveling France and Austria skiing the alps in mid-February.....so expect some Euro posts... sure they may be a bit rude, greasy and have bad teeth (England posts)....but they will be oh soooo much more cultured!!!!! Think European Vacation/Dirty Rotten Scoundrels mix in a touch of 28 Days Later and Hostel with just a dash of Bridget Jones Diaries and Eat Prey Love.....its gonna get weird.....but absolutely NOT Human Centipede weird!!!!

Post #117: Things I learn sleeping with the TV..... on!!

So..... I fall asleep to the TV. I have for years. Some exes like it... Some not so much. But it is what it is. I doze off with the remote right next to me. Sometimes I roll over on it and it changes the channel........that said I  think I'm learning things from TV.... while I sleep!
For example, the other day, I randomly told people that they would only be saved from eternal damnation if they sent me some money......
And also (somehow) I have picked up Spanish. One phrase in particular..... Tu no esta el padre! What does that mean anyway? Que?
Plus the other day I woke up with all these right wing thoughts!!!! Must have been Fox news I was sleepwatching! So the next night I purposely fell asleep to Bill Maher just to balance it all back out.
I tried to fall asleep to a "naughty channel"....you know to learn a few things but I just woke up feeling static, wavy and scrambled...
Hmmm what else..... the other day I woke up and had to wear some bright pumps.....and you know what.... they did make the whole outfit pop!!! thanks fashion channel.....
One morning I hated and distrusted men all day..... lifetime channel I knew that was your intentions all along!!!!
Purposely fell asleep to the reality channel of course. Woke up all happy........ and proceeded to fire someone at work....er....voted them off.
And lastly I slept with MTV on last night. I was hoping to hum some new music when I woke up.......and.....nothing.......Do they even play music anymore?  All I felt was an odd sympathy for teen pregnancy? Huh?
Sweet dreams everybody. I think I'm going to try the travel channel. Its been a long week and I need to get away.........

Post #116: The camera

Pictures..... The camera loves some.... not so much others.  And everybody falls into different categories of photo takers I think...... 

We all know the "red eye friend" in every photo..... it's like they have an uncureable case of pink eye.
Or funny photo guy (sometimes me) where you look back later and say tongue out pinching a nipple maybe not so appropriate at the baptism.... 
and then my friends and I had "who is that person?" person. In every photo for years. At the park or the monster truck rally or the free clinic. Its okay, they know me now!!!
Or one pose person. Head tilted, cheeks sucked in. Looks the same in a wedding or a three way.....
Then there's the person that "Just doesn't take good pictures" or says things like "It's weird! I've just never been very photogenic!" This just in.... you are actually just not that attractive. I have this theory where people who say this have one photo (in the perfect lighting, maybe on a low water retention day, in your skinny jeans, when you were like 5 years younger, and before that face tattoo) and you looked good that day..... you looked damn good!!!!..... and every other photo has never lived up! That's great for you...... but the truth... sadly.... people....... is the way people see you is probably closer to your driver's license picture. Kinda hard to hear huh?.......  
Oh man.... mine is brutal!!!!...... you know.... Forget this post completely!!!  Go on with your day.... take some photos. That's what I'm gonna do..... except it kinda sucks for me. I'm not very photogenic. Oh well..... but you should totally see this picture of me a few years ago at this candlelight dinner with the moonlight coming through the window rocking both a feather boa and just a small tuft of chest hair. I kinda make those jeans pop too!!!!

Post #115: The Phone

So......... basically I suck on the phone (NOT a teething joke). It's just a true statement about me. I always have and I now know I'm always going to. I frequently get the "You never call" or "I never hear from you" when they should be saying "thanks for saving me a few moments of awkwardness, Bailey." How can it be that bad. Well let me explain...

Here's some of the reasons......I often have those weird moments of saying the same thing as the person I'm talking to but at the exact same time ... you you....know know.... what what....I'm I'm...... saying saying!! Man!!! . I mumble from time to time... like this one time I muzlenumm friz allatr DESTUESELY! Crazy huh!!!  Also its been pointed out to me that I am a bit of a hand talker......which both makes it hard to hear as I swing the phone around and dangerous for others nearby. And don't get me started on relationships. I don't call often. Gets me in trouble. For example if I'm ever asked "How are you feeling about our relationship?".. over the phone...... well that might just be my version of water-boarding. You are in for a rambling collection of failing jokes "well...I feel furry!" that just go from sad to frustrating for my loved ones.......

Then......

Like a gift from above, I discovered the text message years ago. HALLELUJAH. Its great, I say whatever whenever......... well....... now the texts are the problems. My humor is intentionally sarcastic ..... and I haven't found the font that best conveys that. For example... no girl gets these joke texts when she doesn't know where I am........ 

Hey baby I miss ya. So much more than the girl I'm with right now. Ha!! 
or
Had fun last night (then purposely put the wrong name). 

To me funny, but to them I get a PHONE CALL and the whole cycle starts again. RING RING.......  Man!!!!!

Post #114: My Christmas List

I feel the need to preface this list by saying my ma (love ya) has always stated... each and every Christmas.... that what she really wanted more than anything was "For everyone to just get along." hmmm I like that idea...... Now I prefer gifts however.... but following this sentiment....... we have..... WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!!

For that girl to finally get her two front teeth from that stupid song!

For all the voices to stop!!! or even, at least, for them to start talking in a language I can understand!

To create a new type of food (a perfect blend of Chinese and Mexican. Kung Pao Tacos anyone?!?! I am gonna google this in just a second.  That sounds really good!)

For scientists to discover new Shetland islands full of small giraffes or rhinos. Seriously what a great pet!

For the comet to finally get here and pick me up, and my friends, in our sneakers. The rest of y'all are so gonna miss out. Just sayin! The Kool Aid's delicious!
 
For someone to finally create a dress sandal for men. Store idea!!! THE HOUSE OF SUIT SANDALS (and no... no weird wall size naked men photos like the stores in the mall have these days!!!! Playing rugby or whatever! All Right... All right... provocative wall size foot photos allowed!... playin I dont know... footsy?)

Update.....Not only have I found Kung Pao Tacos, I found General Tsao tamales!!!! What??? Delicious!!!!!

For bad kids to stop receiving coal for Christmas... not very ecofriendly... may I suggest biodiesel?

For every value meal to start out Supersized... so if I choose to "normal size it" I feel better about my fast food choice.

For people with dreads to stop trying to convince me that dreads are clean.... If you took a dog to the groomer and they gave him back all matted up.... how would you feel?

This one's serious..... seriously...........for that special love you only get when.......ahhhhh..... brainfreeze........ damn you slurpees!!!!

And for everyone to get along!!!


P.S. no offense to the dreaded!!! I kinda like sometimes..... except the dreaded back dreads.... no one wins there..... man I wish I didn't take it there!  Happy holidays?

Post #113: Xmas Parties

So its Xmas party season...... and everyone is gathering together for bad sweater parties ..... and white elephant exchanges.... and dress up like an elf for the day and party (or maybe that's just me)......  At my work.... I get to look forward to SantaCon where 100s of drunken Santas will converge on my bar all at once. Leaving naughty wrapped presents like kids letter blocks that spell out words like "Douchbag" or "Assclown". They frequently are way outta hand and legend has it a couple years ago two Santas even were "intimate" in a back booth. In my experience its best to just let Santa finish....... um....... moving on......... Then you also have the get-togethers to bake Christmas cookies (delicious) and also caroling groups.... (HINT... downtown late night caroling can quickly become a group holdup/robbery. So stay in the neighborhoods.) All leading up to the main event. The work Xmas party. Where I assume its the same for most of you. People having one too many. Getting crazy. Hooking up with a coworker. Often times its the people who never go out cutting loose because.....  that's what Jesus's birthday is all about?????? Seems more fitting for like Presidents Day (Clinton joke!!) ...and....whatever... For me....... the Xmas party season is all about seeing friends and family (even the crazy ones... and.. yes I will be attending).... decorating the tree and then self loathing.... giving great presents and regifting last year's.... eating some delicious food and crying into eggnog and uh..... of course holiday happiness...... also...... great parties people!

Post #112: 3D Post

So I had a cool funny idea...post a picture that looks like it's in 3D and tell you all to "get out your 3D glasses!"....then, at the bottom I was going to say something like "come on you guys, we've only been doing this for 2 weeks, we dont have that kind of technology in the budget!!"......The only problem with the joke is that my brother actually figured it out!! Seriously, no joke, I promise!! So break out those glasses and check out our first 3D pictures!!

Now that we can do it, look forward to Speedos and projectile vomiting in 3D coming soon...well maybe something else...nobody really wins there.

Post #111: Guess Im a Hoarder?

So I was recently told that Hoarders come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn't have to be just trash and junk?.... so here we go...types of hoarders....

Emotion hoarding (don't knock over my stack of denial please)

Animal Hoarding (can you say crazy cat ladies)

Money Hoarding (f u wall street)

Porn hoarding (u know that's disgu...Hey is that the December issue?)

Facebook friends hoarding (accepting everyone and anyone..... please guy at DMV accept my friend request)

X-girlfriend hoarding (one day I will let you out of the basement... well... maybe)

Monkey hoarding (this is in here solely cause monkeys are funny.... nobody hoards monkeys. That's crazy!)

Child hoarding (come on some Mormons and reality show family's... how can you make time for each kid when you have like 15 of em? You cant.... wow this started as a joke but kinda makes sense.... who knew?)

Reality show hoarding (now we have Skating with the Stars?... Really? shame on you if you watch this. Nearly every other reality show fine by me. ..especially The Joe Schmo Show... look it up!!!!!)

Exercise hoarding (becomes bodybuilding, becomes freaky gross looking people, becomes...carrot top...  just don't be this)

Sports watching hoarding (you are guilty if you have ever painted your chest....guys... totally totally o.k. ladies!) 


And finally probably bad decision hoarding.. (many celebrity sufferers..... Dick Cheney, Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, either Siegfried or Roy... whatever one got bit in the face by the lion, David Hasselhoff, Pee Wee Herman, Kim Jong Ill, and basically the whole cast of Different Strokes, Whatcha talkin bout Willis?  Nothing anymore!!)

Anyways I'm off to do some research on some other topic.... Hmm maybe I'm a post hoarder????? Man!!!

Post #110: So my advertising is about to get a makeover! Sorry?!?!

Well I realized something the other day. I believe it was after my tombstone post. On the right side of my blog you see the advertisements... well like the next day we find.... a bunch of tombstone engraving ads? seriously! This also happened after my Led Zepplin one as well. The geniuses in the computer are matching my posts key words with ads! HMMMM? I am also able to track how many times somebody clicks on these ads. I have made 13 cents so far from people clicking on them... Retirement? ... Then it hit me. Who knows my facebook friends better than me!! Got my finger on the pulse. Lets mess with ads and see if I can control them... and maybe... just maybe... I can cater them more to you guys specificly!. So that said... here goes ERECTILE DISFUNCTION ERECTILE DISFUNCTION   E.D. Viagra  VIAGRA VIAGRA VIAGRA Depends undergarments  DEPENDS UNDERGARMENTS  ADULT DIAPERS The Shakeweight  THE SHAKEWEIGHT  THE SHAKEWEIGHT Ritilan  RITALIN  Tattoo Removal  TATTOO REMOVAL TATTOO REMOVAL Adult Bookstores ADULT BOOKSTORES Nipple clamps NIPPLE CLAMPS Monkeys Buy A Monkey OWN A MONKEY I know you all have pet monkeys! Chef Boyardee Chef Boyardee Ravioli... delicious.  and...........the Ped Egg PED EGG ... for your delicate feet readers!    Alright now we wait and see. I make pennies every time someone clicks on one of the links so?   

 If I seriously see a spike in ad clicks.... I will know about you sickos!!! Results to come!!!!

Post #108: The Audio Post

So, I'm in the dog house.  My lady is angry.  I'm not sure I really deserve it.  See for yourself, I have some of our conversations recorded below (cough, cough)...